Somebody's Prayin' For Me

I look back over the past 5 1/2 months and think, how have I made it?  How do I feel the peace that surpasses all understanding?  How do I not bury my head in my pillow and never get up?  How do I not give up on this life and any hope for a happy future?  How do I reassure Brenna that everything is going to be ok?

Do you know how I do it?

Somebody is praying for me.

A sweet friend sent me this song a few weeks ago.  I have never heard it before but when I listened to it online, I cried.  This is exactly how I do what I do every day.  I get comments and emails daily about how strong I am.  It is not my strength.  It is the strength my Jesus gives me.  He carries me when I cannot carry myself.

My Jesus.  The only way.

Oh how I have been covered in prayer for these many months.  There is nothing else that can explain the comfort, peace, and hope for the future than my Jesus' provides.  I am so so grateful for the many prayer warriors out there that lift us up daily.  I am humbled by the emails, comments, texts, and calls from friends saying they are praying for us.  Oh how thankful I am.

I feel the prayers!  I continue to need them.

Read these lyrics.

Who are you praying for?

Somebody's Praying for Me

I was lost in a desert land
So dry and thirsty
But God was there where He’d always been
Giving grace and mercy

So hard to sing and hard to pray
Yet I knew His Word was true
And then one day my faith returned
And suddenly I knew

Somebody’s praying for me
Somebody’s knocking on Heaven’s door
Somebody’s praying for me
Somebody’s lifting me up to the Lord
I knew it had to be
Somebody down on their knees
Somebody praying for me

I’ve been spared by so many prayers
How many times I could not say
What a difference a prayer can make
When it’s offered up in faith

God has always made a way
When I didn’t know what to do
Just when I needed a miracle
That’s when your prayers broke through

Somebody’s praying for me
Somebody’s knocking on Heaven’s door
Somebody’s praying for me
Somebody’s lifting me up to the Lord
Well I knew it had to be
Somebody down on their knees
Somebody praying for me

Now I know that friend was you
You were the gift God gave me
’Cuz when you prayed His love broke through
It was your prayer that saved me

Thank you for praying for me
Thank you for knocking on Heaven’s door
Thank you for praying for me
Thank you for lifting me up to the Lord
Now I can clearly see
That you were the one on your knees
So thank you for praying for me

Somebody’s praying for me
Somebody’s knocking on Heaven’s door
Somebody’s praying for me
Somebody’s lifting me up to the Lord
Well I knew it had to be
Somebody down on their knees
Somebody praying for me

Camp Good Grief 5K

This past Sunday, the Center for Good Grief held their annual Camp Good Grief 5K to raise funds for the amazing camp they host in the summer.  This is the camp Brenna was blessed to attend.  When we originally found out about the 5K, I did think we could make it.  But, as luck would have it, we were able to participate.  The weather was perfect for a day outside and we had several friends there to cheer us on!

Before we left.  These girls were ready to run!

About to get started.

We all ran in memory of Jamey.

After the race.  They had sooo much fun!

This was Brenna's first 5K and she did it in 33 minutes and 27 seconds.  I think I may have a runner on my hands!

After the 5K, we all participated in the Family Fun Mile.  Brenna came in 2nd!  So proud!

I have had a few friends asking about donating to the Center for Good Grief.  If you are interested, please contract me at tippafeltman@gmail.com.  This organization has blessed us and many others in so many ways and is solely funded by donations.

Save a Place for Me

I heard a song yesterday while driving home.  It is a song I have heard many times, but my heart really listened this time.  It is called "Save a Place for Me" by Matthew West.  The lyrics really spoke to me.  It is a good description of how I feel as reality continues to sinks in and we find our new normal.  

Specifically, this verse:
I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had You here

I am in a great bible study on Wednesday nights.  I am blessed to share this time with some amazing ladies.  As part of this study, we have to share our testimony.  I started thinking about mine and I am starting to write it out.  I see God's hands in so many things that have happened on my short 38 (almost 39 years).  However, I continue to find myself asking 'why'.  Why did I find happiness for it to all be taken from me so soon?  Why did Brenna lose both parents at such an early age?  Why was I the chosen one to raise her?  (Don't get me wrong, I am the blessed one here!  I love that child.)  Only God knows why.  

Like the verse says, "I guess the answer's are for another time".

I wonder if I will ever stop asking 'why'?  I am forever thankful for my time with Jamey and forever believe God's hands brought us together for me to raise Brenna.  No doubt in my mind.  

But, if I stop and really listen to what God is saying to me, I hear a whisper "Trust me".  

Trust HIM!

I do trust, Lord, I do.

2 Corinthians 12:9:  "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect is weakness."

Here are the full lyrics:

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad sometimes
'Cause everyday it's sinking in
And I have to say goodbye all over again

You know I bet it feels good
To have the weight of this world
Off Your shoulders now
I'm dreaming of the day
When I'm finally there with You

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

I have asked the questions why
But I guess the answer's for another time
So instead I'll pray with every tear
And be thankful for the time I had You here

So You just save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon
Save a place for me, save some grace for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there

I wanna live my life just like You did
And make the most of my time just like You did
And I wanna make my home up in the sky
Just like You did, oh, but until I get there
Until I get there

Just save a place for me, save a place for me
'Cause I will be there soon

Save a place for me, save a place for me
I'll be there soon, I'll be there soon

Don't be mad if I cry
It just hurts so bad

Real Talk

Hi friends.  Gosh, I have been busy since coming home from the beach!  Can I go back?  This momma needs a nap!

Just a few things on my mind lately:

I miss him....more and more every single day.

My blog has had over 17,000 hits.  I am humbled and quite literally speechless.

I still have trouble looking at pictures.  Sometimes I can without crying, then there are days that I just have to pass them by and look the other way.

I came home from the beach with a little bit of peace that I can do this.  I am starting to feel the "peace that surpasses all understanding".  (Philippians 4:7)  I really cannot explain it, but maybe, just maybe, the healing process is beginning.  Maybe, just a little.

I need to clean out his stuff.  I have not been able to do that yet.  They say do it in your own time.  So, we will see.

I still wear my rings.  I cannot bear the thought of taking them off right now.

I dread the upcoming holidays like the plague.  I mean, dread.  Like, literally want to fast forward to January with all my might.  I have to keep things the same for Brenna.  I have to.  I have to.  We have to continue to do the same things we did when we had Jamey with us.  She deserves that and he would want that.

On a brighter note, I got a huge jump start on my Christmas shopping.  Three months from today.  Are you an early shopper?

I had counseling on Monday, bright and early at 8am.  We talked about parenting because I was just too tired to get deep.  One of the things that stuck out to me was when the counselor said Brenna will always remember Jamey and Michelle like they hung the moon.  They did everything perfectly, were the perfect role models, never did anything wrong, and knew more than anyone else in the world.  She will remember that always because that is how she felt when they were taken away from her.  They hung the moon in her mind at the age of 8 when she lost Michelle and the age 11 when she lost Jamey.  I found that interesting when the counselor explained it from Brenna's perspective.  I have not had any issues with my sweet Brenna, but just something that came up in conversation and totally see how her mind would think that.  Now that she is 12, she will see that I am not perfect, did not hang the moon, and make mistakes daily.  Pray for me during the pre-teen and teenage years!  Thank the Lord she is an amazing child!

Brenna is doing well in school and is in the middle of volleyball season.  I love how much she loves playing and the amazing teammates she gets the privilege to call friends.  We have an awesome group of girls at our school.  They love each other so much and are just so sweet.  I pray they will always be this close!

If you knew Jamey well, you know the man had taste.  I mean really, insane good taste.  I loved it!!!  He bought me some really nice things!  He also bought all of Brenna's clothes.  Every single piece.  I would fill in with a few things here and there, but he loved shopping for her, so I let him.  Up until now, I really never had to worry about shopping for her.  He always made sure she was fashionable and dressed appropriately. Well, now, she is outgrowing all of her clothes and I have to shop.  I cannot put it off any longer.  It doesn't sound hard, I am a female and try to stay up on the trends, but I have always shopped for myself, not a 12 year old.  And I really don't like shopping.  Sounds crazy, I know, but here we are.  Brenna is not into clothes (yet) and could wear shorts and a t-shirt every single day if I would let her. But, there are times where shorts are not appropriate, so we have to shop! Just one more thing I need to overcome and get through...and shop!  Retail therapy, I suppose!

The sweet lady that found my message in a bottle is returning the letter to me!  That story still blows my mind.

I started a new bible study a few weeks ago that I really love.  We have to share our testimony in the class. I am a little nervous about it.  We also have Bible verses to memorize.  I love that!

I love that Brenna loves church and wants to go.

I love that it is starting to feel like fall.  Fall makes me miss him more.  And, it's football season.

I love football season!  So, I will leave you with this!  Jamey would be so proud.

Roll Tide, y'all!

Message in a Bottle

My week at the beach was simply amazing. I'm not sure I've ever been so lazy, and it was glorious!!  I slept in, napped, and stayed up a little late before starting all over again. Many days I was even too lazy to go to the beach. I just stayed in my pj's, relaxed, and enjoyed the view.

Two friends decided to go with me and I am so glad they did. I think I would have been too lonely without them.  They were really good to give me my space and understood the reason why I was there.

On Thursday, I needed a release. I decided to write a letter to Jamey to start the healing process.  I actually got the idea from Brenna.  Remember on Day 3 of her grief camp, she wrote a letter to Jamey and Michelle.  They attached the letter to balloons and released them during the "Memorial Service".  They watched the balloons with the letters attached as they started their journey to Heaven to be read.

I was not sure what I was going to write but wanted to at least try.  When I sat down to write the letter, all I could do was cry.  I could not get three words down without sobbing.  I said I wanted a release, and I think I got it.  I would write a few sentences and sob...

....and sob.

...and sob.

Eight pages later, I ended my letter.

I wrote many things about our 379 days together, how happy he made me, and how I do not understand why God took him from us so soon.  I can not help but continue to ask the Lord, "WHY".  But as I was writing, it gave me peace to know Jamey already knew all of these things.  We always told each other how we felt, how happy we made each other, how much we loved each other, and on and on.  He knew.

Every day, he knew.

And, Jamey already knows "why".

There was nothing in that letter that he has not heard himself.  I am so thankful for that.  It gives me such peace to know there was never a moment he did not know how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me.

Never.

As I continued to write, it felt good.  It felt like I was talking to him.  I knew that this would not be the only letter I wrote to him, and I said that.  I ended it with this was not "good-bye", but "see you later".

It was a good release and a starting place to heal.

So, I rolled up the letter, said a little prayer, and started putting it in the bottle.  Then, I thought....

what if someone found the message in a bottle???

So, I unrolled the letter and wrote, "If found, I pray you have an amazing marriage as I did."

I included my email address so IF the letter was found, I could be notified.  How cool would it be for someone to find the message in a bottle 20 years down the road and email me?!?!?!

My message in a bottle.....

I did not want to throw the bottle out to sea from where we were staying on the beach.  I thought the tide would wash it back ashore, so we went to a nearby marina, SanRoc Cay.  We walked out on the marina at sunset.  We did not plan this, but as we were standing there, I realized this was 'our' time of the day.  Jamey and I loved watching a beautiful sunset.  It was perfect.

Then, I said a little prayer and threw the bottle.  I had no idea where it would end up, but I just 'released'.

See!!  Perfect time of day!

Such a peaceful site.

After we watched the bottle float, I shed a few tears, we left.  I left with a feeling of peace and hoped this was my start to healing.

But, the story does not end there......

The next morning we pulled ourselves out of bed, packed the car, and started our drive home.  We were about an hour or so outside of town when I checked my email.

MY MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE WAS FOUND!!!!

I screamed!!!!

I absolutely, in a million years, never dreamed my bottle would be found, much less this soon.

NEVER!

Isn't that crazy!

I received an email from a sweet lady named, Sue.  She said she found my message in a bottle!

She said she was at her son's home on Ono Island in Orange Beach.  She was walking down to his boat house to see how many shells had washed up overnight.  She then saw a bottle that looked like it had a note in it.  She climbed down in the water to retrieve it, broke the bottle open, read the letter, and prayed for someone named Tippa.

God led me to a sister in Christ.  A sweet prayer warrior that we can never know too many of.

I 'friended' her on Facebook and saw this sweet post.

Her sweet daughter-in-law, Karen, saw Sue's post and shared it...

Later, Karen posted....

I am just in tears and overwhelmed by the outreach of prayers and notes I have received from this sweet, sweet family and their friends.  I shared with Sue and Karen that I never dreamed anyone would find the letter, and certainly not this soon.  Karen's response took my breath away.  She said "God didn't want you to wait another minute to receive these messages and know others care about you and what you are going through."

So true.

I stand in awe of God's mercy and grace.  I have been lifted up in prayer by so many friends and stranger-friends that have helped carry me.  It leaves me speechless and amazed.  What an amazing God we serve.

My Grief Camp

I'm exhausted. 

I have been running full steam ahead for 4 months now. Not stopping to take care of me.  My adrenaline has allowed me to keep moving even when I needed stop. I needed to keep on going. I had to keep going. My heart wasn't ready to face reality of our future without my love. 

It still isn't.  

But now, I need a break. 

I need time to sleep when I want to, grieve when I want to, nap again when I want to, and just "be".  

God allowed all the pieces to fall into place so I could get away and not worry about Brenna or responsibilities at home. 

So, I'm at my happy place. 

My prayer for this week is that my start healing will start here. I'm really not sure what that means or how it's done. But, I'm opening my heart to really listen to what He has to say to me. 

I told Brenna I was going away for a week. I printed her schedule and went through all of her activities for the week. (By the way, her Nanny and Pappy are taking really good care of my girl.)  For her to understand why I'm getting away, I told her it was my form of grief camp. She was able to 'get' that. And, in many, many ways it is grief camp, just the adult version. 

I may need to find some cool crafts to do and bring home to her. 

So, friends, I ask you to please pray for me this week as I seek to really listen to Him, start the healing process, and find some peace and comfort. 

3 Years Ago....

Jamey and I used to mark special days.  I kept all of those days in my calendar....our first date, our first kiss, etc etc etc.  We counted days....one month anniversary, two month anniversary, etc etc etc.  I even named this blog based on the number of days we were married.  

It sounds weird and cheesy, but it was something fun we did.  I really don't know why.  We just started doing it and acknowledging all these little dates and anniversaries and holding them special.  He would sometimes send me flowers on these special days, just because.  We always celebrated the little things.

I am forever grateful that we did.

Today marks one of those days.  Another first without him.

Three years ago today, my life changed.  I met a man for lunch who would later become my husband.  I remember that day so vividly.  We were both so nervous.  The butterflies in my stomach grew more and more as the lunch progressed and I knew this guy was different.  Jamey said he felt it too.  I have written before (click here) that I had my running shoes on for months because I thought he was too good to be true. 

I remember talking about Jamey to my friend, Gail, shortly after we met.  I was telling her about my running shoes and how I just wasn't sure.  She said this to me that I have recounted over and over in my head since Jamey went to be with Jesus.  She said, "The Lord must have something huge planned for you and Jamey because the devil is fighting so hard to keep you away."

Wow.

Can I get an Amen!?!

I never EVER would have imagined the plan He had in store for us.

Ever.

As I was having a 'moment' this morning while getting dressed for work and praying the Lord would give me strength to make it through today, it hit me....  

Time is so so precious.  

Time....

Seconds, minutes, hours....precious time.  Time you can never get back.  

Time you should never waste.

We counted the days we had together because our time together would be cut very short.  Those 379 days we were married were so precious.  

Time.  

You can't get it back.  

So precious.  So short.  

My sweet friend, Kim, sent me a text this morning to check in on me.  I told her what today was and her text back helped me keep things in perspective.

She said today marks the day a great love was kindled and a beautiful relationship began.  And because of today, Brenna has a mommy!  And many other friendships and relationships have been spawned because of this day three years ago.  

So, so true.  

Some days the fog is so thick I cannot see through it.  Some days, it lifts just enough to bring some perspective.  But, when the fog is thick, God always sends me friends to guide me through it.  

I am forever thankful for all the friends God sends my way.  There are far too many to list here.  I am forever blessed and grateful for the relationships and friendships that help guide me through the fog.  

And help me get through days like this....

His Mark

When the funeral home asked me if I wanted necklaces made of Jamey's thumbprint, I said yes.

To be honest, I had no idea what the guy was talking about.  At that particular moment in time, I probably said yes to many things because the fog I was walking through was so thick and so dense and my heart was so heavy.  I was only going through the motions.  In the days after Jamey went to be with Jesus, I remember my sweet friend, Teresa, making me daily lists of things that we needed to do.  I could not think clearly, make any decisions, or even finish my sentences.

I had forgotten about the necklaces.  When the funeral home called me about a month ago to tell me they were in, I had to ask what they were.  Then, I remembered.  His thumbprint.

Jamey's thumbprint.

Something tangible I could touch, feel, rub, kiss.  Something tangible that will forever be with me.

Sometimes I just rub it, just to feel a part of him again.  I long to be able to hold his hand, rub his arm, and see that sweet smile.

Jamey left his mark on many who knew him.  If I could only share every story that has been told me to me.  Stories about how much Jamey meant to them, what an impact he had on their life, how he brought them to Jesus, and how special he was.  The stories are many.

When I was thinking about Jamey's thumbprint, I was reminded of the Footprint Prayer.  If you have not read it before, please take a moment to read.

The Footprints Prayer

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.

Jesus has been carrying me for the past 108 days since Jamey went to his Heavenly Home.  When people say to me that they do not know how I am making it, my response has always been, "Jesus".  He is the one carrying me through this journey.

There is no other explanation than that.

Jesus.

Sweet Jesus.

I could not get out of bed every day if it were not Jesus physically pulling me up.  He is who carries me.  Every.Single.Day.

I would love to hear how Jamey made an impact on your life.  I would like for Brenna to have a collection of stories to read one day to know what an incredible man Jamey was.  Would you consider sharing those stories and memories with me?  You can email me or leave a comment here.  (tippafeltman@gmail.com).

6th Grade

Brenna started 6th grade on August 8th.  I cannot believe summer is over and we are starting school. Where did June and July go?

Brenna loves school and enjoys being with her friends.  As an only child, this is her outlet to socialize and play....and you know, learn some things in the process.  We are so blessed to be apart of an amazing school and extended family.

This picture shocks the pants off me.  Look at the difference.  I cannot stop looking at it!  Where did her baby face go?

The start of school was very difficult on me.  Maybe one of the worst days yet.  Jamey was such a huge part of her (our) life and with school starting, his absence was everywhere I looked.  He wasn't there to share in the excitement of a new year, to shop for school supplies, uniforms and shoes, walk her in the first day, meet the teachers, and on and on and on.  

But, I felt him there as I walked Brenna to her class.  I felt him stand by my side as I kissed her bye and wished her a good day.  He was holding me up as I walked out of the school doors and led me straight into the open arms of a dear friend.  This friend was standing right where I needed her when I stepped outside those doors.  Another friend raced to me in the parking lot with open arms as well, knowing I just needed a big hug.  I am forever grateful for those hugs right when I needed them, Paige and Brooke.  God led me straight into your path and I needed you.  

Happy 6th grade, sweet Brenna!  I am praying for an amazing year.  

It's Birthday Week!!

It has been birthday week for us!  We are celebrating Brenna!  I will be back with updates soon!

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl!

Real Talk

I cannot seem to think clearly these days.  My head is spinning and I feel so out of control.  Writing helps me clear my mind, so here we go....

Brenna's birthday is this week (Thursday).  I am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that her daddy is not here to share it with her.

Reality stinks.  Big time.

School starts next week (August 8th).  Another first that I am not ready for.

I have ZERO energy and my ability to focus at work is nonexistent.  I am mentally exhausted.

Flashbacks of  May 5th haunt me daily.

I thank God daily for friends and family that help me and Brenna every day.  I cannot imagine doing this alone.

I have so much on my mind that I have to write a list that includes, stop for lunch.

Each day gets harder, not easier.

I am a very very patient person, but not these days.  I feel like I will snap at any moment.  Beware!

I cannot help but think of football season coming up.  Oh how my love was an Alabama fan.  We were planning on attending the season opener with our friends, the Lawson's.  It hurts my soul that we will not be there.  Jamey LOVED the Crimson Tide.

A new friend who lost her husband a week before Jamey passed posted on Facebook the other day that she missed the little things like sitting in the passenger seat.  Oh how true that is.  Jamey drove us everywhere.  A true southern gentleman.  Opened my car door, pumped my gas, the list could go on and on.

I am currently reading a book a friend sent to me.  It is titled Flat Cats & Fried Chicken.  Love the name!!  It is written by Holly Chapa.  She lost her husband suddenly in 2005 and the book tells her story and her journey of faith.  It really blessed me this weekend!  Thanks, Christina!

I feel like the devil is attacking me.  Something that I read in the book I talked about above said it perfectly...."The only authority the devil has in your life is the authority that you give him.  If you're looking the enemy in the face, it's because you took your foot off his head."  Well said!!

I know God will bring me through this.  I know it.  I have to live these hard days to make it to the other side of grief.  I know it.  I don't like it, but I realize it is part of the journey.

I am continuing to praise Him in this storm.

Camp Good Grief - Day 3

Wednesday was the final day of camp.  I am sad for it to be over and I know Brenna had a great time.  She got to meet a lot of new friends and have a lot of fun over the course of three days!

Schedule for Day 3 included:

*  Bus ride back to the camp site
*  Small group grief sessions
*  Canoeing/arts and crafts/water games
*  More small group grief sessions
*  Memorial Service (more on that in a minute)
*  Swimming
*  Parent/Guardian/Family Program

Day 3 was loaded with lots of fun, and lots of memory time as well.  I was able to attend the parent program that was held in the afternoon.  I got to see the things they worked on and focused on during the three days. They learned it was ok to be mad, angry, sad, and cry because it is good for the soul.

I needed to hear this!

They sang a song that was really cute.  It was to the tune of "Do Ya Love Me?" (Think the movie, Dirty Dancing), but changed to be Camp Good Grief style).

Some of the lyrics included:

Do ya love me?  (I can really move.)  Do ya love me?  (I'm in the groove.) Do ya love me?  (Do ya love me?) Now that I can grieve.  Watch me now.

(Work, work!)  Gotta work it out baby.  (Work, work!) or it'll drive you crazy.
(Work, work!)  With all your heart and soul, now work.

It's ok to be angry (I am throw potatoes)
But don't lose control (Don't use your fist)
I can cry if I want to (Tell me baby!)
Cause it's good for the soul (Can you grieve like this?)

(Work, work!)  Gotta work it out baby.  (Work, work!) or it'll drive you crazy.
(Work, work!)  With all your heart and soul, now work.

I can write it in a letter.  (I can write it in a poem.)
I can sing it in a song.  (In a song like this.)
I can tell it to a friend.  (Tell me baby.)
Talk all night long.  (Can you grieve like this?)
Tell me, tell me, tell me.  Yeah!

The whole group singing it was so cute and the lyrics are so true.

Memorial Service
I had to ask Brenna to tell me about the memorial service.  She was not forthcoming about it, but did talk about it when I asked what it was about.  She said that she got to write a letter to her mom and dad.  She rolled it up, attached it to a yellow balloon, and released it off to Heaven for them to read.

Tears.

The purpose of this activity is to give the kids closure.  Many of them, like Brenna, did not get an opportunity to tell their loved one good-bye.  Their death was so sudden and unexpected.  This gives them an opportunity to tell them what they want to tell them and send it off to Heaven for them to hear.  Only the campers and their counselors were present at this service.  No parents were allowed.  This gave the kids a chance to do it in their own way.

What a memory.

There are many, many things that I have learned through this experience.  What a blessing.  I am sure that it was harder for me than it was for her, but I believe that it was the perfect camp for her.

I promised pictures....so here ya go:

She got to create a memory box and decorate it with "Always remember to..." stickers

YES HE WAS!

This is her kaleidoscope....

I just remembered I did not take a picture of her Dream Catcher.  I will try to remember that and post.

What an amazing experience she had at Camp Good Grief.  I am not sure if this is available in your area, but if ever in need, please look to see.  It is a wonderful way to help kids learn to grieve the right way.  I pray that Brenna is on a path to healing.  She will continue with counseling and will continue to see the amazing staff at the Center for Good Grief.  I am forever thankful for the opportunity she was given to attend such an amazing camp.

God bless this organization!

Camp Good Grief - Day 2

Brenna loved Day 2 of Camp Good Grief.  She had another busy schedule which included:

*  Charter bus back to the camp site
*  Snacks, music activity
*  Art Activity - Kaleidoscopes (More on that in a minute)
*  Water games
*  Small group grief session
*  More music and art
*  Swimming
*  Carnival time
*  Closed with a camp closing music activity

When I picked her up, she had a mustache painted on her face!  Hilarious!  Carnival time must have been pretty fun!

Day 2's grief goal was remembering their loved one.  She had to take along pictures of her mom and daddy and share with the group.  They also made memory boxes.  She didn't tell me much about that, she said it was a surprise!!

Another activity today was kaleidoscopes.  From what I understand, kids were instructed to choose a different color for their feelings to build their kaleidoscopes.  Brenna said her feelings were happy, sad, and angry.

Mine too, sweet one, mine too.

So, she built her kaleidoscope based on those feelings and colors.  I will get to see it today.

She brought home her dream catcher and it was so cute!  She and her Pappy are finding the perfect spot to hang it up.

I promise to take and post pictures of all these little treasurers!

I get great feedback daily on how she is doing.  Everyone loves her so much and is so pleased with her participation, sharing and opening up (a weeee bit).  That makes my heart smile.

Today is the last day.  I will get to go to a closing session this afternoon, so I am excited about that.

But, since I do not have any pictures to share today, I want share this one I posted on Facebook on Sunday.  Brenna and her Pappy getting a pedicure!  It was Pappy's first time, so Brenna was showing him how it was done!  He will do anything for his girl....and he loved the pedicure!

Camp Good Grief - Day 1

When I met Jamey, he told me his story.  He told me about losing Michelle and what he and Brenna had been though since Jesus took her home.  He told me about the counseling he and Brenna received and how thankful he was for that time.  He loved the counselor Brenna had and felt as though she really benefited from her time there.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years .....

The week after Jesus took Jamey home, I called the Center for Good Grief.  Because Jamey and I had conversations about their counseling, I knew who I needed to call.  I spoke with sweet Angela, who was Brenna's counselor back in 2010.  She, like everyone else, could not believe what had happened.  She immediately told me about a camp that she recommended along with counseling for Brenna.

About a month ago, Brenna and I had to attend a meeting for this camp.  She got to meet the kids and I got to meet some of the parents and guardians.  When the meeting was over, Brenna came running up to me saying she had met a couple of friends.  She was so excited.  She could not believe that other kids had lost parents as well.  Bless her sweet heart, she thought she was the only one who had ever lost a parent, much less both parents.  She also said the same thing to the counselor at her next session.  She could not believe how many kids were in her same situation.

Humbling.

As we were leaving the meeting, I ran into two sweet friends who are actually counselors/buddies at Camp Good Grief.  I had no idea they would be there and was so relieved to know Brenna would be in amazing hands.  Another Jesus thing, friends!

Yesterday was Day 1 of Camp Good Grief.

When I dropped her off, she was excited to reconnect with the friends she met before and see what was in store at this camp.  I am not sure that she actually knew about the 'therapy' part of camp or not.  Therapy is probably the wrong word, but there are activities designed for the kids to learn about grief and how to express it.  But, there is also a TON of fun planned for them as well.

This is the schedule for Day 1:

*  They rode a big charter bus to the camp site where they got to know each other and sang silly camp songs.
*  They had ice breakers, snacks, and small group grief sessions.  They learned what grief was and how to start talking about their feelings.
*  After lunch the made their 'Dream Catchers'.  More on that in a minute.
*  In the afternoon, they did arts and crafts, water games, swimming, etc.
*  They ended with a camp closing music activity.

It was a big day!!!  And she had so much fun!  She talked about it all night.  Well, she mostly talked about how cool the cabins were and how she wanted to have her birthday party there next year!  LOL!

Dream Catcher
A dream catcher is an ancient tool used to help assure good dreams to those that sleep underneath them.  A dream catcher is usually placed over your bed where the morning light can hit it.  As you sleep, all of your dreams from the spirit world have to pass through the dream catcher.  Only good dreams can pass through the hole in the center while the bad dreams are caught in the webbing and are destroyed by the morning light.

It sounds a little weird to me, but I believe that the intent of the dream catcher is for those kids who are having bad dreams about the loss of their loved one.  Brenna told me she is not having nightmares (thank the Lord), so I am not sure how much this will benefit her.  But, I love the idea.  A counselor told me this morning that she had kids come back and tell her years later they still have their dream catcher and how much it has benefited them over the years.  Awesome!

Day 2 started today and Brenna was really excited to go back!  I will share more about Day 2 tomorrow.  They have tons of activities planned for them today!  I cannot wait to hear how it goes.  Brenna had to take pictures along today, so that always sparks tons of emotions.  I am praying for all of the kids, counselors, and buddies today as they continue to guide these sweet babes along their grief journey.

I will get to attend the Closing Session tomorrow afternoon.  Pictures to come.

Real Talk

I find it hard to write many days, so bare with me.

I mentioned before that Jesus Calling is an amazing devotion.  Yesterday, this jumped off the pages at me.  I stand in awe knowing this is the path Jesus chose for me.  I do not like it one bit or understand it at all, but I have faith that He knows.  I have to keep walking along this path with Him.  He says stay on the path I have selected for you.  It is the path of Life.  He says the journey will require strenuous effort, will be difficult and tiring.  You can bet it sure is.  I am weak, so so weak.  But, He promises that I will dance light-footed on the high peaks.  I am holding on for that.  He promises to hold my hand and give me strength and direction.  I am holding on really, really tight.  I can do this.  I have to do this.

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness and joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.  Psalm 16:11

I posted this photo on Facebook Friday.

Jamey dropped off a couple of wedding pictures to be framed the week before Jesus took him Home.  I have been thinking about those pictures and knew I needed to go pick them up....one day.  They called again last week, so I knew it was time.  Seeing them and remembering that day was a big blow to the gut.  I will not lie, it took my breath away to see them, those smiles, and remember that perfect day.  The only good I could get from those pictures in that moment was that this was the day I officially became a mom.  It was all in the plan Jesus set out for me.  This is how He brought me and Brenna together.  Instead of sadness, I am doing my best to focus on the good....and that, friends, is the best part of this tragedy.  My girl!  Brenna is the reason I get out of bed on those days I want to cover up my head and stay there forever.  She is my focus and my responsibility. I could not do this without her.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Psalm 121:1-2

Overall, we are doing the best we can most days.  I am doing my best to choose joy in my days and not focus on sadness.  Grief is very overwhelming and very depressing.  I make a conscience effort every day to smile.  When I wake up, I tell God He has to take it.  I cannot do it alone.  I make myself go to work, take care of the responsibilities I have to take care of.  Although my world stopped on May 5th, it does not mean everyone else's did.  I have to push myself.  I have to pull myself out of this hole.  I want my smile back.  I want my joy back.  In time, in time.  I know, I know.

I am just keeping it real, friends, keeping it real.

I Am Angry

I have always heard there are different stages of grief.  I knew anger was one of them.  I just looked up the others.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Isn't that exciting stuff to look forward to??

I believe that I am in the anger stage now.  Boy, am I angry.  Mad.

Mad at the world.  

I am angry that this is my life now.  We had so many plans.  So many things to do.

I am angry to have to classify myself as a widow.

A widow......

I am angry to have to deal with all of the 'stuff'.  So much to do.  So.Much.Stuff.....

I am angry I had to drive while we were in Alabama.  This was his home.  He knew the roads and how to get every where.  I am angry I had to travel those roads without him and had to relive all of the precious memories we made there in our short time together.

I am angry to be left here without a husband and to now have to do things on my own.

I am angry Brenna does not have a daddy.

I am angry I was only married 379 days.  I am angry that we only celebrated 1 anniversary.

ONE ANNIVERSARY.

I am angry that I just finished thank you cards for the wedding about 9 months ago...and now I am writing thank you notes for Jamey's funeral.

I am angry we did not have more days together.  I am angry that I miss him so much.

I am angry that everyone has moved on with their lives and I am still stuck on May 5th.

I am angry that I do not have my smile.  I want to find my joy again.  My happiness.

I am angry I am sad.

I am angry that life has to go on without him.

I know we have to go on with life....

I am angry Brenna has to go through life having lost her mom and dad.  How is that fair for her?

I am angry Jamey is not here to celebrate Brenna's birthday in a few weeks.  She had to go through these life moments and events without her mom, and now without her dad.  Really??

How do we go on without him??

The list of my angers can go on and on and on.....

I may be mad and I may be really angry, but I am also counting my blessings.

And, blessings, there are many.

My Savior
God's promises
Our time together, although short
My sweet Brenna
Our family
Our friends
My job

Many, many more.  I am thankful.

I am blessed.

I know that.

But, I am also angry.

This phase will pass.  God promises that.  He will bring me through.  I trust His promises.  I have to.  He is my comforter.  My faith is in Him.  I will praise Him in this storm.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

I know that. It brings me comfort when I am just mad at the world.  There is light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."  John 13:7

And, on a side note, if I snap at you during this phase of grief, please understand.  ;-)

2 Months

It seems like forever yet it feels like just yesterday.... 

I still cannot believe he's gone. This is a bitter sweet trip to Alabama. It's my first without him. Well, since his funeral. 

We are spending the weekend with some special friends, the Lawson's, in Alabama. We were invited to their lake house for some fun in the sun. Fun we had, sun...not so much. But, the rain did not stop the kids from doing what they do best. Have fun!!

Brenna is like a little monkey climping the rope swing. 

Sweet, sweet friends!

We love LoLo!

Brenna has been with family for the past week and with the Lawson's this week. I'm glad to be reunited with my girl!  She's had a blast, but I've missed her like crazy. 

We drive home tomorrow. It's been a nice little getaway!  

Thanks, Brady, Kim, Emma, Abby, and John Brady for having us!  And the Knight's for inviting us to your cabin!  We have loved spending time with all of y'all!

Mornings

My grief would hit me at night after Jesus came for Jamey. It was between the hours of 8pm-10pm when visitors had left, dinner was over, the settling in for the night began. 

It was very quiet. 

Very Lonely.

I could see the grief in Brenna and in myself.  We both had the 'look'.  That glazed eyed, walking in a fog look.  I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This would be the time when Jamey and I would sit on the couch, snuggle, watch TV, talk, hold hands, and just be together.  On nice nights, we would go on a walk or run around the neighborhood. Or we would sit on the patio and hang out. 

I have been running on adrenaline for almost two months now and I'm tired.

Exhausted, really.

Now, the evenings have become more routine and by the time it is bedtime, I'm exhausted and go right to sleep.  

But now, the mornings, they slap me in the face.  

Morning are, by far, the hardest part of the day for me. I wake up and reality hits me in the face, over and over and over again.

I've had a few very vivid dreams about Jamey and that is the hardest. I wake up hoping he is there beside me.  I wake up hoping this nightmare is over and it is not true.  I wake up to reality.  And, it stinks.

Before I even get out of bed, I ask God to take it because I can't do it alone. This devotional hit the nail on the head for me.  God is there for me, always.  He never leaves me.  He gives me strength.    

I know He is there.  I feel Him.  I know that He is the only reason I am able to get up out of the bed.  God promises to never leave you.  He has not left me.  He is where I have to put my trust that it will all be ok.  Days where I have doubts, pain, tears, He is the only one I can lean on.  

The days are not easy, but He is how I get through them.

In an Instant

This was a note Jamey left for me on Valentine's Day 2013.

Jamey and I were in love.  So, so in love.

We had a love that, in my opinion, only happens in fairy tales.  I knew that.  Jamey knew that.  We even talked about it.  We thanked God every day for that.  It was special.  So, so special.

I am not a marriage expert.  Far from it.  We were married for 379 days and Jamey was my first husband.  We had experiences under our belt and knew what we were looking for when we found each other.  Or should I say, when God brought us together.

We loved hard and deep.  We told each other over 100 times a day how much we loved each other.  We would write it in notes and leave around the house, in texts, in emails, after every single phone call, just riding on the car.  All.The.Time.  We told each other.

But, we showed our love not only in what we said, but in our actions.

We respected each other's feelings.  We respected each other's thoughts.  We helped each other.  We both knew how lucky we were and we both protected that love every day.

I cannot say it enough....

Husbands ---- Love your wives

Wives ----- Love your husbands

Tell them.  Show them.  Always.  EVERY.DAY.  ALL.DAY.

Don't let a moment go by because it could be your last.  Life can change in an instant.  In an INSTANT.  I am living, breathing proof of that.

The very last thing Jamey said to me before Jesus took him Home was that he loved me.

He said it.

I said it.

Three simple words....I LOVE YOU!

Moments later, Jesus took him Home.

It was that quick.

It was in an instant.

Grief is an ugly thing a times, but I constantly see Jamey's face before Jesus came.  He had a grin from ear to ear and we said we loved each other.

What a memory.

Thank you, Jesus, for that memory.  Such comfort it brings.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes in all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.  As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

Hands

Oh how I miss holding his hand.

Jamey never let go of my hand.  We held hands all the time.  ALL.THE.TIME.  It just came naturally to us.  It was our thing.  We held hands from the time we first started dating and never let go.  In the car, sitting on the couch, walking in the neighborhood, walking into Target.  Everywhere.  Friends would say, "Oh they are just newlyweds".  But, that was not true.  I believe we would have still been holding hands sitting on the front porch in our rocking chairs at the age of 95.  That was him. That was us. 

He never let go.

I never let go.

Today, I pray for the people who do not know the Lord and have His hand to hold when life takes a dramatic, unexpected turn.  He has my hand, guiding me through the long, hard, emotion-filled days. God never lets go. I cannot imagine going through an incredible heartache without Him and having the comfort and hope that only He can bring.

Do not fear, for I am with you; don't be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

God Speaks

God speaks.  He spoke to me today.  I had to go by the funeral home to pick up some things they had made for us.  As I was leaving the parking lot, He spoke to me.  

It was so loud.  

So clear. 

What He told me gave me peace.  It gave me so much comfort.  He told me He brought me and Jamey together for a reason.  His reason.

HE did it.  

Now, I know that is not news to anyone who knows our story.  Everyone says it.  I have said it to myself (and to others) a thousand times.  But, today...HE told me.  He told me He brought us together so that I could help raise Brenna.  He told me how happy Jamey was over the past couple of years.  He reminded me of all the things Jamey taught me about myself, to believe in myself, how special I was, etc. HE told me.

He told me I was going to be ok.  I was going to make it through this.  

He is going to take care of me.

This was part of His plan.  

He told me....and it was loud and clear.

I spent the entire afternoon in a state of awe.  Does that make sense??  God has spoken to me many times.  Sometimes in a whisper.  Sometimes through others.  But today....HE spoke to me.  So loud.  So clear.

Yes, I am repeating myself.  I know.  I cannot even make complete sentences, it is so surreal.  

God speaks.  Do you listen?

Sweet Jesus, thank you for speaking to me today, and for allowing me to listen.

Real Talk

Today, I am letting the Holy Spirit guide my hands and see where he leads me.

Grief stinks.  It is awful.  Terrible.  Hurts so bad.  It can hit you where you least expect it.  I did pretty good at the beach for the most part.  Until our last night there.  We took the kids to a place to ride rides, bumper cars, bumper boats, etc.  We walked up, I was fine, then all of a sudden I was overcome with grief and the tears started flowing.  For no reason at all, I was bawling sitting watching Brenna and the rest of the crew ride bumper cars.  Ugh

Reality stinks.  Sometimes I just let my mind think that Jamey is away on a business trip and he will be back soon.  I know that is probably not healthy, but it gives me relief from the pain at times.

I am starting to think about cleaning out his 'stuff'.  I dread the thought but know it is time.  He would not want me to dwell on this task.  He would want me to just get it done.  I am going to have a memory quilt made out of his shirts for Brenna.  I think she will like that.  Jamey had a lot of clothes.  He owned more button down shirts than any man I know.  And, not cheap ones either.  This quilt will be one expensive quilt with all of these shirts.  We used to always laugh at how many he owned.  And, they were always pressed perfectly.

Speaking of pressed., I ironed for the first time before we left for the beach.  I have not ironed in over a year.  Jamey ironed every single piece of clothing for all of us.  Every. Piece.  He said he liked it.  He never, ever let Brenna go out of the house wrinkled.  If he traveled, he would iron all of Brenna's clothes for the week before he left.  I laughed at him once and told him I could take care of that.  I promised him I would never let her leave the house wrinkled.  I am not sure he believed me!  I will never be able to iron as precisely as he did, but I will do my best.

I still cannot believe that he is gone.

I am still in shock.

They say time heals....I am still waiting on that.

Brenna is leaving for Alabama on Sunday to spend some time with family and friends.  Our empty house scares me.

I am exhausted.  I think I have been running on adrenaline over the past month and a half and it is catching up with me.

Brenna's birthday is coming up.....how are we going to do this without her daddy?

I am back at work and it is helping.  I did not want to come back, but I had to.  I fought it tooth and nail.  Work gives me a place to go every day, a place of security, and a place to be around people who love and support me. For that, I am thankful.

I run into people all the time and they say I look great and look like I am doing so well.  Some days it is a total front.  I may look decent on the outside, but I am torn apart on the inside.  Prayers are keeping me standing every day.  Please continue to pray for my family.

I love speaking to Jamey's friends and hearing memories and stories.  I spoke with one last night.  So special.  His 20th class reunion is coming up.  He was so excited to attend and see everyone.  Brenna and I have been invited and I want to attend, but I am not sure I can do it.  I am going to try, but just not sure.

Sometimes, reality just stinks.

Are you all living out Jamey's challenge?  Who have you told you love them today?

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Psalm 105:4

Father's Day

I'm not going to lie, today was tough. I have been dreading it for weeks. Being a dad was Jamey's pride and joy. He loved Brenna with every ounce of his being. He would move heaven and earth for that child. She had him wrapped around her little pinky and he loved every minute of it. Every. Single. Minute.

I have been trying for the past few weeks to think of something special to do to honor him. In my family, we have always attended the Glover family reunion on Father's Day. It's a big deal and has been going on for over 65 years. So, that is what we did.  It was a good day with lots of family, tears, and good food. Jamey loved attending over the past few years. He fit right in and everyone loved him. 

This was us last Father's Day...

Oh he loved this little girl...

I tried for the past few days to ask Brenna how she would like to honor her daddy on Father's Day. Every time I would try to ask her, I would get a ginormous lump in my throat and start crying. I just couldn't get it out. I tried and tried, but just couldn't ask her. It hit me this morning that we honor him every day and not just on this one day of the year. We talk about him, share memories, cry, and laugh about things he would have done. In my opinion, that is the way it should be. Honor him every day. So, once God put that on my heart, I released the need to come up with something specific and just honor him like we do every day. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders in that moment. 

We spent the day with family. This is mostly what she did all day....

Oh this girl loves her Pappy!!!!  She was stuck to him like glue and he loved every minute of it. 

After the reunion and after everyone left, I did want to do something we would do as a family pretty often, go to TCBY for dessert. We both got our favorite flavor and saluted one amazing man...

She told me exactly what flavor her daddy would have chosen and we did a little toast to him!  

It was a tough but good day!

I cannot end this without saying Happy Father's Day to my awesome daddy. He (and mom) made me the person I am today and I love him so much.  Thank you, Daddy, for everything you do for us.