Strong?

On a daily basis, I am told (reminded?) about how strong I am.  Friends and family say it over and over.  "You are so strong."  "I don't know how you are doing it."  "You can do this."

Can I?  Am I that strong?  

A huge part of me doesn't want to be strong.  I don't want to do this.  I want my amazing, blessed life back.  I want my husband back.  I want Brenna's daddy back.  I don't want to deal with grief, with his stuff.  I don't want to move on without him.  How do we move on without him?

I am still trying to figure it out.

I heard a song on the radio this morning.  It is a song I have loved for years.  But, hearing it this morning was different.  It was real.

"I Can Only Imagine"

I can only imagine what Jamey was thinking as he saw our sweet Jesus for the first time.  

As the lyrics read,

I can only imagine

What it will be like

When I walk

By Your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes will see

When your face

Is before me

I can only imagine.

I can only imagine.

Jamey told me once that he was not afraid to die.  He knew exactly where he was going.  Praise Jesus for that. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday.  I remember exactly where we were, what the weather was like that day, and exactly what he said.  He told me he would worry about leaving us behind.  I assured Jamey in that moment that if anything ever happened to him, we would be ok.  Jesus would get us through.  We didn't talk about it much more than that.  He just needed to tell me and I listened.  

Am I strong?

You bet I am .  My Jesus makes me strong.  He holds me up.  He carries me.  He shows me I can do this.  I cannot do this without Him.  

I can do this.  With Him by my side, I can do this.  

And with the support of my family and friends reminding me of my strength when I want to doubt it myself.  

Faith, it doesn't make things easy.  It makes things possible.  Luke 1:37

I can only imagine, babe, I can only imagine.

Smiles

Oh how pictures tell a story.  I love pictures, a bit obsessed really.  I would love to quit my job and do photography full time.  Maybe one day.  But for now, I will continue to take pictures and look at them....over and over again.

As I walk through our house, I see Jamey everywhere.  I see his stuff, his car, his shoes, his computer, his cell phone, his rings.  I feel him in this house.  Sometimes I sit on the couch and feel him sitting beside me, holding my hand like he always did.

And, I see pictures.

Everywhere.

Oh, that smile.  That sweet, sweet smile.

I have not been able to look at the pictures much over the past few weeks.  I will glance at them, but quickly look away.  But, what I see is his smile.  Oh, he had a great smile.  That makes my heart happy and sad at the same time.

Today, I have a lot on my heart but not much energy in my fingers to type.  So I will leave you with a few pictures and a lot of smiles.

How are we doing?

That is a question I am getting a lot lately.  I wish I knew how to answer it, but I thought I would give it my best shot.  This will probably be all over the place, but I am writing from my heart and letting the Holy Spirit guide my fingers.

To be quite frank, it sucks.

Sorry to be so raw, but that is exactly how I feel.

I am numb.  I am lost.  I am overwhelmed.  I am in shock.  I am in denial.

But, I am blessed.  I still have my Jesus and I'll praise Him in this storm.

Have you ever walked through Target or the grocery store and saw someone just look like they are not there, stone-faced, dazed, and confused.  That is me.  I feel expression-less.  I find it hard to smile, to find joy in my day.  You can bet the next time I see someone with that expression, I am dropping to my knees praying for them.  You just never know what people are walking through.  I do now.

This may come across mean or careless, but I am speaking the truth and being real here, friends.  It is hard for me to see people's lives continuing.  I am still stuck on May 5, 2013.  It is hard to move past that dreadful day.  I have to, I know that, but it sucks.  I think that is why I am unable to go through Facebook and see everyone moving on, laughing and enjoying life.  I am not enjoying life right now.  I am trying, believe me, I am trying so hard.  I know life continues, but I just have not caught up yet.  I will, I just need time.

Each day, I make myself get up, get dressed, and do something.  Some days I get up just because of Brenna.  I thank God for her daily.  We need each other.  We are keeping busy.  Friends are inviting us over for fun, providing loads of meals, praying with us, playing with us, listening to us, and just simply being with us.  I am not one to call for help, so friends just show up and that is ok.  They are texting asking for specific prayer requests for the day and just coming by to give me a hug.  My family has not left my side and will not until I am ready for some space.  The words 'thank you' could never be strong enough for the overwhelming love and support we have received and continue to receive.  (By the way, I have not really started on thank you cards yet, but will in time.)

The phase "one day at a time" has never been so real and so true.  Some times it is one minute at a time or one second at a time.  Grief is hard and it comes without warning when you are driving down the street and see something that reminds me of Jamey.  He is everywhere.  A song on the radio.  A picture in the house.  A memory that crosses my mind.  Seeing sweet Brenna coming down the stairs.

I miss him.  I miss him so much it physically hurts.  Reality is starting to set in since things have calmed down over the past couple of weeks.  Reality that he is sitting beside Jesus and watching over us.  Reality that I will never get to hold his hand again, rub his arm, or kiss him on this side of Heaven.  Reality that we have to find our new normal, whatever that may be.

Brenna and I started counseling today.  Sadly but a blessing, she is seeing the same counselor Jamey took her to when her first mom passed away in 2009.  No child should ever have to experience the pain this precious one has gone through in her 11 years.  But, the counselors are excellent and I could not be more thankful.  She started to open up a little and my prayer is that she will continue.  She said she wanted to go back so that gives me joy today.

There is not much I know right now, but one thing I know for sure is that my Jesus has this.  He will get us through.  We have to stay focused on Him.  That is exactly where I find my comfort.  My faith is the only thing that I can lean on right now the only thing that makes any sense at all.  Nothing else does.  I have tried to make sense of it and I fail miserably every day.  Only the Lord knows why and I have to trust in that.  It is all I have.

I read something yesterday that stuck with me.  "I am not a careless God.  When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them.  Relax in My presence, trusting My strength."

If you are walking through something, consider the book Jesus Calling.  It has provided me so much comfort over the past few weeks.

I thank you, my sweet friends, for loving on us and continuing to pray for us.  We feel the prayers every day and they are the reason I am able to walk and hold myself up and keep moving.   

Just an Ordinary Wednesday Night - Our Engagement Story

Again, from our wedding website:
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How we got engaged

Jamey and I had talked about a future together, even started thinking about when the big day may happen.  We talked about rings in a general sense (white gold or platinum versus yellow gold), but that was all.  He told me he was looking at a particular designer but we never got into specifics! 

On Wednesday, April 20, 2011, I was looking at the designer's website.  I had never really thought about the style of engagement ring I would want, so I thought I should get an idea of what was out there.  The site had an 'engagement quiz' you could take that would select the perfect ring for you based on your personality.  I took the quiz and the site popped out the most gorgeous ring I have ever seen.  It was exactly what I would have chosen if I ever had the opportunity.

I wanted to send the picture to Jamey so he would have an idea of what I liked.  However, I was not sure if it was appropriate and was not sure if he would think I expected something so, ummm....large.  I, of course, did not expect that, but the style was certainly, me!  I sat on that email for probably an hour going back and forth on whether to send it or not.  Finally, I did.  I put in the email that I would take a ring out of a gum ball machine for him.  It did not matter if the ring was no carats or 10 carats....if I had him, that was enough!

Jamey got the email and replied back that it was a gorgeous ring and he wanted me to know he could afford a premium gum ball machine ring for me!  I'm a lucky girl!

On the way home from work I was talking to Ginnie.  We were catching up on things happening in both our lives and the latest with Jamey.  I was telling her about discussions we had about a possible wedding when she stopped me.  She said, "When is he going to make it official and put a ring on your finger?".  I laughed it off and said I didn't know but thought maybe sometime in the summer, maybe while we are at the beach.  She said, "Or it could be just an ordinary Wednesday night!".  

We already had plans to have dinner that night.  It was pouring rain so I thought we would go somewhere close.  Jamey wanted to go where we had intended to go, Bonefish (another one of my favorite restaurants).  We got to Bonefish and it was an hour and a half wait.  We decided to walk over to Firebirds to see what the wait was there.  Only 20 minutes!  Perfect.  While waiting on a table, I asked Jamey about the picture I emailed.  He said it was very pretty.  What I wanted to make sure he knew was that I like square diamonds and not round diamonds.  I thought round diamonds made my fingers look fat...and he needed to know that!  I looked up at him and told him, "I'm a square diamond girl, just so you know!".  He shook his head and said, "Great!  Good to know!".

We had dinner, good conversation, etc.  Nothing out of the ordinary.  After dinner, Jamey went to the restroom and when he returned, I did the same.  When I got back, he said he had just ordered dessert.  I was stuffed but was happy he ordered one for us to share.  About a minute later, the restaurant manager comes to the table with our dessert and a ring box on the tray.  

He puts the tray on the table and my eyes about popped out of my head.  I gasped for air as he starts saying some of the sweetest things (some I remember, some I don't).  I hear him ask me to marry him and make him the luckiest guy in the world.  I said, YES!!  

The restaurant erupts and applauds!

Did I mention I told Jamey once that I love surprises?  He is a good listener!

Ginnie was the first person we called.  When she answered, I started the conversation with, Or just an ordinary Wednesday night!"  

She screamed!  

And, she knew nothing about the proposal!

This ordinary Wednesday night became extraordinary!!!

And, by the way, the ring is almost exactly like the one I sent him in email!  He is just good like that!

What I didn't know:

• God has the perfect timing.  The proposal happened the Wednesday before Easter weekend.  We already planned on having our families meet Easter weekend.  His family was coming up from Alabama to go to church with us and have brunch at the place where we wanted to have our wedding.  Being officially engaged made the weekend even more perfect for the families to come together at the place where we are going to have our wedding!
• Jamey picked up my ring 7 minutes before he got my email with the picture of the ring
• The proposal was not planned.  When Jamey got my email, he just knew tonight was the night.

Facebook

I am unable to read all of the sweet Facebook comments and posts everyone has left for us. I know that I will in time, but it is just simply too hard right now.  Thank you in advance for writing to us and leaving your precious memories of one Godly, remarkable man.  

I miss him so much.

The Beginning of Our Story

I took the following story from the wedding website we created when we were planning our wedding.  This is how we met. 

***********************************

I love thinking about how Jamey and I met.  It's my very own fairy tale and a true gift from God.

A friend of mine,Teresa, had mentioned Jamey to me on many occasions.  Actually, one of the first comments she made to me about him was, "I know the man you are going to marry!"  I remember laughing it off and thinking that she had really lost her marbles.  How could she possibly know such a thing?!?!  

A few months later I was on vacation with friends and received a text from Teresa saying, "Jamey wants to meet you!"  

On August 22, 2010, Jamey and I met for lunch.  We met at On the Border, one of my favorite restaurants.  This time, my life changed forever.  Even the devil couldn't get in the way of us meeting (as he always does when God is in charge of a situation)!  There was an incident in my neighborhood (still under construction) that morning that started with me taking a picture of a robbery in action, emailing the picture to the builder, and the builder calling the police! The police asked if I was willing to go to the police station to ID the thief, which, of course, I would have.  But I was so worried about being late to lunch.  As always, God stepped in, and I made it to the lunch right on time!  God always has a way of taking care of business!

The lunch and conversation with Jamey were both amazing. During our first few hours together I kept discovering the many things we had in common and thought....this guy is too good to be true!  It sounds so corny, but it really was "the first day of the rest of my life!"

*************************************

We saw each other periodically in the upcoming months.  We always joked that I had my "running shoes" on because I just believed he was too good to be true.  There was no way someone this good could come into my life.  He was perfect for me.  I finally took my running shoes off in November/December of that year and my heart knew it was love.

379 Days

We only had 379 days.

I used to blog.  I loved it.  When life led me to Brussels, Belgium in 2007 to 2009 it was a great way to keep in touch with family and friends to let them experience my European adventures with me.  This was before Facebook or any other social media.  I moved home in 2009 and life kind of got in the way and I stopped blogging.

Until now...

Life dealt me a blow on May 5, 2013.  Once again, my heart wants to write.  Everyone is asking how we are doing, how we are making it.  This may be my outlet.  A way to express my thoughts, struggles, fears, agony, prayers, and hopefully some joy as I walk through this journey called grief.

We only had 379 days and I want you to know about them.