Strong?

On a daily basis, I am told (reminded?) about how strong I am.  Friends and family say it over and over.  "You are so strong."  "I don't know how you are doing it."  "You can do this."

Can I?  Am I that strong?  

A huge part of me doesn't want to be strong.  I don't want to do this.  I want my amazing, blessed life back.  I want my husband back.  I want Brenna's daddy back.  I don't want to deal with grief, with his stuff.  I don't want to move on without him.  How do we move on without him?

I am still trying to figure it out.

I heard a song on the radio this morning.  It is a song I have loved for years.  But, hearing it this morning was different.  It was real.

"I Can Only Imagine"

I can only imagine what Jamey was thinking as he saw our sweet Jesus for the first time.  

As the lyrics read,

I can only imagine

What it will be like

When I walk

By Your side

I can only imagine

What my eyes will see

When your face

Is before me

I can only imagine.

I can only imagine.

Jamey told me once that he was not afraid to die.  He knew exactly where he was going.  Praise Jesus for that. I remember that conversation like it was yesterday.  I remember exactly where we were, what the weather was like that day, and exactly what he said.  He told me he would worry about leaving us behind.  I assured Jamey in that moment that if anything ever happened to him, we would be ok.  Jesus would get us through.  We didn't talk about it much more than that.  He just needed to tell me and I listened.  

Am I strong?

You bet I am .  My Jesus makes me strong.  He holds me up.  He carries me.  He shows me I can do this.  I cannot do this without Him.  

I can do this.  With Him by my side, I can do this.  

And with the support of my family and friends reminding me of my strength when I want to doubt it myself.  

Faith, it doesn't make things easy.  It makes things possible.  Luke 1:37

I can only imagine, babe, I can only imagine.