Real Talk

I cannot seem to think clearly these days.  My head is spinning and I feel so out of control.  Writing helps me clear my mind, so here we go....

Brenna's birthday is this week (Thursday).  I am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that her daddy is not here to share it with her.

Reality stinks.  Big time.

School starts next week (August 8th).  Another first that I am not ready for.

I have ZERO energy and my ability to focus at work is nonexistent.  I am mentally exhausted.

Flashbacks of  May 5th haunt me daily.

I thank God daily for friends and family that help me and Brenna every day.  I cannot imagine doing this alone.

I have so much on my mind that I have to write a list that includes, stop for lunch.

Each day gets harder, not easier.

I am a very very patient person, but not these days.  I feel like I will snap at any moment.  Beware!

I cannot help but think of football season coming up.  Oh how my love was an Alabama fan.  We were planning on attending the season opener with our friends, the Lawson's.  It hurts my soul that we will not be there.  Jamey LOVED the Crimson Tide.

A new friend who lost her husband a week before Jamey passed posted on Facebook the other day that she missed the little things like sitting in the passenger seat.  Oh how true that is.  Jamey drove us everywhere.  A true southern gentleman.  Opened my car door, pumped my gas, the list could go on and on.

I am currently reading a book a friend sent to me.  It is titled Flat Cats & Fried Chicken.  Love the name!!  It is written by Holly Chapa.  She lost her husband suddenly in 2005 and the book tells her story and her journey of faith.  It really blessed me this weekend!  Thanks, Christina!

I feel like the devil is attacking me.  Something that I read in the book I talked about above said it perfectly...."The only authority the devil has in your life is the authority that you give him.  If you're looking the enemy in the face, it's because you took your foot off his head."  Well said!!

I know God will bring me through this.  I know it.  I have to live these hard days to make it to the other side of grief.  I know it.  I don't like it, but I realize it is part of the journey.

I am continuing to praise Him in this storm.

Camp Good Grief - Day 3

Wednesday was the final day of camp.  I am sad for it to be over and I know Brenna had a great time.  She got to meet a lot of new friends and have a lot of fun over the course of three days!

Schedule for Day 3 included:

*  Bus ride back to the camp site
*  Small group grief sessions
*  Canoeing/arts and crafts/water games
*  More small group grief sessions
*  Memorial Service (more on that in a minute)
*  Swimming
*  Parent/Guardian/Family Program

Day 3 was loaded with lots of fun, and lots of memory time as well.  I was able to attend the parent program that was held in the afternoon.  I got to see the things they worked on and focused on during the three days. They learned it was ok to be mad, angry, sad, and cry because it is good for the soul.

I needed to hear this!

They sang a song that was really cute.  It was to the tune of "Do Ya Love Me?" (Think the movie, Dirty Dancing), but changed to be Camp Good Grief style).

Some of the lyrics included:

Do ya love me?  (I can really move.)  Do ya love me?  (I'm in the groove.) Do ya love me?  (Do ya love me?) Now that I can grieve.  Watch me now.

(Work, work!)  Gotta work it out baby.  (Work, work!) or it'll drive you crazy.
(Work, work!)  With all your heart and soul, now work.

It's ok to be angry (I am throw potatoes)
But don't lose control (Don't use your fist)
I can cry if I want to (Tell me baby!)
Cause it's good for the soul (Can you grieve like this?)

(Work, work!)  Gotta work it out baby.  (Work, work!) or it'll drive you crazy.
(Work, work!)  With all your heart and soul, now work.

I can write it in a letter.  (I can write it in a poem.)
I can sing it in a song.  (In a song like this.)
I can tell it to a friend.  (Tell me baby.)
Talk all night long.  (Can you grieve like this?)
Tell me, tell me, tell me.  Yeah!

The whole group singing it was so cute and the lyrics are so true.

Memorial Service
I had to ask Brenna to tell me about the memorial service.  She was not forthcoming about it, but did talk about it when I asked what it was about.  She said that she got to write a letter to her mom and dad.  She rolled it up, attached it to a yellow balloon, and released it off to Heaven for them to read.

Tears.

The purpose of this activity is to give the kids closure.  Many of them, like Brenna, did not get an opportunity to tell their loved one good-bye.  Their death was so sudden and unexpected.  This gives them an opportunity to tell them what they want to tell them and send it off to Heaven for them to hear.  Only the campers and their counselors were present at this service.  No parents were allowed.  This gave the kids a chance to do it in their own way.

What a memory.

There are many, many things that I have learned through this experience.  What a blessing.  I am sure that it was harder for me than it was for her, but I believe that it was the perfect camp for her.

I promised pictures....so here ya go:

She got to create a memory box and decorate it with "Always remember to..." stickers

YES HE WAS!

This is her kaleidoscope....

I just remembered I did not take a picture of her Dream Catcher.  I will try to remember that and post.

What an amazing experience she had at Camp Good Grief.  I am not sure if this is available in your area, but if ever in need, please look to see.  It is a wonderful way to help kids learn to grieve the right way.  I pray that Brenna is on a path to healing.  She will continue with counseling and will continue to see the amazing staff at the Center for Good Grief.  I am forever thankful for the opportunity she was given to attend such an amazing camp.

God bless this organization!

Camp Good Grief - Day 2

Brenna loved Day 2 of Camp Good Grief.  She had another busy schedule which included:

*  Charter bus back to the camp site
*  Snacks, music activity
*  Art Activity - Kaleidoscopes (More on that in a minute)
*  Water games
*  Small group grief session
*  More music and art
*  Swimming
*  Carnival time
*  Closed with a camp closing music activity

When I picked her up, she had a mustache painted on her face!  Hilarious!  Carnival time must have been pretty fun!

Day 2's grief goal was remembering their loved one.  She had to take along pictures of her mom and daddy and share with the group.  They also made memory boxes.  She didn't tell me much about that, she said it was a surprise!!

Another activity today was kaleidoscopes.  From what I understand, kids were instructed to choose a different color for their feelings to build their kaleidoscopes.  Brenna said her feelings were happy, sad, and angry.

Mine too, sweet one, mine too.

So, she built her kaleidoscope based on those feelings and colors.  I will get to see it today.

She brought home her dream catcher and it was so cute!  She and her Pappy are finding the perfect spot to hang it up.

I promise to take and post pictures of all these little treasurers!

I get great feedback daily on how she is doing.  Everyone loves her so much and is so pleased with her participation, sharing and opening up (a weeee bit).  That makes my heart smile.

Today is the last day.  I will get to go to a closing session this afternoon, so I am excited about that.

But, since I do not have any pictures to share today, I want share this one I posted on Facebook on Sunday.  Brenna and her Pappy getting a pedicure!  It was Pappy's first time, so Brenna was showing him how it was done!  He will do anything for his girl....and he loved the pedicure!

Camp Good Grief - Day 1

When I met Jamey, he told me his story.  He told me about losing Michelle and what he and Brenna had been though since Jesus took her home.  He told me about the counseling he and Brenna received and how thankful he was for that time.  He loved the counselor Brenna had and felt as though she really benefited from her time there.

Fast forward 3 1/2 years .....

The week after Jesus took Jamey home, I called the Center for Good Grief.  Because Jamey and I had conversations about their counseling, I knew who I needed to call.  I spoke with sweet Angela, who was Brenna's counselor back in 2010.  She, like everyone else, could not believe what had happened.  She immediately told me about a camp that she recommended along with counseling for Brenna.

About a month ago, Brenna and I had to attend a meeting for this camp.  She got to meet the kids and I got to meet some of the parents and guardians.  When the meeting was over, Brenna came running up to me saying she had met a couple of friends.  She was so excited.  She could not believe that other kids had lost parents as well.  Bless her sweet heart, she thought she was the only one who had ever lost a parent, much less both parents.  She also said the same thing to the counselor at her next session.  She could not believe how many kids were in her same situation.

Humbling.

As we were leaving the meeting, I ran into two sweet friends who are actually counselors/buddies at Camp Good Grief.  I had no idea they would be there and was so relieved to know Brenna would be in amazing hands.  Another Jesus thing, friends!

Yesterday was Day 1 of Camp Good Grief.

When I dropped her off, she was excited to reconnect with the friends she met before and see what was in store at this camp.  I am not sure that she actually knew about the 'therapy' part of camp or not.  Therapy is probably the wrong word, but there are activities designed for the kids to learn about grief and how to express it.  But, there is also a TON of fun planned for them as well.

This is the schedule for Day 1:

*  They rode a big charter bus to the camp site where they got to know each other and sang silly camp songs.
*  They had ice breakers, snacks, and small group grief sessions.  They learned what grief was and how to start talking about their feelings.
*  After lunch the made their 'Dream Catchers'.  More on that in a minute.
*  In the afternoon, they did arts and crafts, water games, swimming, etc.
*  They ended with a camp closing music activity.

It was a big day!!!  And she had so much fun!  She talked about it all night.  Well, she mostly talked about how cool the cabins were and how she wanted to have her birthday party there next year!  LOL!

Dream Catcher
A dream catcher is an ancient tool used to help assure good dreams to those that sleep underneath them.  A dream catcher is usually placed over your bed where the morning light can hit it.  As you sleep, all of your dreams from the spirit world have to pass through the dream catcher.  Only good dreams can pass through the hole in the center while the bad dreams are caught in the webbing and are destroyed by the morning light.

It sounds a little weird to me, but I believe that the intent of the dream catcher is for those kids who are having bad dreams about the loss of their loved one.  Brenna told me she is not having nightmares (thank the Lord), so I am not sure how much this will benefit her.  But, I love the idea.  A counselor told me this morning that she had kids come back and tell her years later they still have their dream catcher and how much it has benefited them over the years.  Awesome!

Day 2 started today and Brenna was really excited to go back!  I will share more about Day 2 tomorrow.  They have tons of activities planned for them today!  I cannot wait to hear how it goes.  Brenna had to take pictures along today, so that always sparks tons of emotions.  I am praying for all of the kids, counselors, and buddies today as they continue to guide these sweet babes along their grief journey.

I will get to attend the Closing Session tomorrow afternoon.  Pictures to come.

Real Talk

I find it hard to write many days, so bare with me.

I mentioned before that Jesus Calling is an amazing devotion.  Yesterday, this jumped off the pages at me.  I stand in awe knowing this is the path Jesus chose for me.  I do not like it one bit or understand it at all, but I have faith that He knows.  I have to keep walking along this path with Him.  He says stay on the path I have selected for you.  It is the path of Life.  He says the journey will require strenuous effort, will be difficult and tiring.  You can bet it sure is.  I am weak, so so weak.  But, He promises that I will dance light-footed on the high peaks.  I am holding on for that.  He promises to hold my hand and give me strength and direction.  I am holding on really, really tight.  I can do this.  I have to do this.

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness and joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.  Psalm 16:11

I posted this photo on Facebook Friday.

Jamey dropped off a couple of wedding pictures to be framed the week before Jesus took him Home.  I have been thinking about those pictures and knew I needed to go pick them up....one day.  They called again last week, so I knew it was time.  Seeing them and remembering that day was a big blow to the gut.  I will not lie, it took my breath away to see them, those smiles, and remember that perfect day.  The only good I could get from those pictures in that moment was that this was the day I officially became a mom.  It was all in the plan Jesus set out for me.  This is how He brought me and Brenna together.  Instead of sadness, I am doing my best to focus on the good....and that, friends, is the best part of this tragedy.  My girl!  Brenna is the reason I get out of bed on those days I want to cover up my head and stay there forever.  She is my focus and my responsibility. I could not do this without her.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Psalm 121:1-2

Overall, we are doing the best we can most days.  I am doing my best to choose joy in my days and not focus on sadness.  Grief is very overwhelming and very depressing.  I make a conscience effort every day to smile.  When I wake up, I tell God He has to take it.  I cannot do it alone.  I make myself go to work, take care of the responsibilities I have to take care of.  Although my world stopped on May 5th, it does not mean everyone else's did.  I have to push myself.  I have to pull myself out of this hole.  I want my smile back.  I want my joy back.  In time, in time.  I know, I know.

I am just keeping it real, friends, keeping it real.

I Am Angry

I have always heard there are different stages of grief.  I knew anger was one of them.  I just looked up the others.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Isn't that exciting stuff to look forward to??

I believe that I am in the anger stage now.  Boy, am I angry.  Mad.

Mad at the world.  

I am angry that this is my life now.  We had so many plans.  So many things to do.

I am angry to have to classify myself as a widow.

A widow......

I am angry to have to deal with all of the 'stuff'.  So much to do.  So.Much.Stuff.....

I am angry I had to drive while we were in Alabama.  This was his home.  He knew the roads and how to get every where.  I am angry I had to travel those roads without him and had to relive all of the precious memories we made there in our short time together.

I am angry to be left here without a husband and to now have to do things on my own.

I am angry Brenna does not have a daddy.

I am angry I was only married 379 days.  I am angry that we only celebrated 1 anniversary.

ONE ANNIVERSARY.

I am angry that I just finished thank you cards for the wedding about 9 months ago...and now I am writing thank you notes for Jamey's funeral.

I am angry we did not have more days together.  I am angry that I miss him so much.

I am angry that everyone has moved on with their lives and I am still stuck on May 5th.

I am angry that I do not have my smile.  I want to find my joy again.  My happiness.

I am angry I am sad.

I am angry that life has to go on without him.

I know we have to go on with life....

I am angry Brenna has to go through life having lost her mom and dad.  How is that fair for her?

I am angry Jamey is not here to celebrate Brenna's birthday in a few weeks.  She had to go through these life moments and events without her mom, and now without her dad.  Really??

How do we go on without him??

The list of my angers can go on and on and on.....

I may be mad and I may be really angry, but I am also counting my blessings.

And, blessings, there are many.

My Savior
God's promises
Our time together, although short
My sweet Brenna
Our family
Our friends
My job

Many, many more.  I am thankful.

I am blessed.

I know that.

But, I am also angry.

This phase will pass.  God promises that.  He will bring me through.  I trust His promises.  I have to.  He is my comforter.  My faith is in Him.  I will praise Him in this storm.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

I know that. It brings me comfort when I am just mad at the world.  There is light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."  John 13:7

And, on a side note, if I snap at you during this phase of grief, please understand.  ;-)

2 Months

It seems like forever yet it feels like just yesterday.... 

I still cannot believe he's gone. This is a bitter sweet trip to Alabama. It's my first without him. Well, since his funeral. 

We are spending the weekend with some special friends, the Lawson's, in Alabama. We were invited to their lake house for some fun in the sun. Fun we had, sun...not so much. But, the rain did not stop the kids from doing what they do best. Have fun!!

Brenna is like a little monkey climping the rope swing. 

Sweet, sweet friends!

We love LoLo!

Brenna has been with family for the past week and with the Lawson's this week. I'm glad to be reunited with my girl!  She's had a blast, but I've missed her like crazy. 

We drive home tomorrow. It's been a nice little getaway!  

Thanks, Brady, Kim, Emma, Abby, and John Brady for having us!  And the Knight's for inviting us to your cabin!  We have loved spending time with all of y'all!

Mornings

My grief would hit me at night after Jesus came for Jamey. It was between the hours of 8pm-10pm when visitors had left, dinner was over, the settling in for the night began. 

It was very quiet. 

Very Lonely.

I could see the grief in Brenna and in myself.  We both had the 'look'.  That glazed eyed, walking in a fog look.  I had that feeling in the pit of my stomach.

This would be the time when Jamey and I would sit on the couch, snuggle, watch TV, talk, hold hands, and just be together.  On nice nights, we would go on a walk or run around the neighborhood. Or we would sit on the patio and hang out. 

I have been running on adrenaline for almost two months now and I'm tired.

Exhausted, really.

Now, the evenings have become more routine and by the time it is bedtime, I'm exhausted and go right to sleep.  

But now, the mornings, they slap me in the face.  

Morning are, by far, the hardest part of the day for me. I wake up and reality hits me in the face, over and over and over again.

I've had a few very vivid dreams about Jamey and that is the hardest. I wake up hoping he is there beside me.  I wake up hoping this nightmare is over and it is not true.  I wake up to reality.  And, it stinks.

Before I even get out of bed, I ask God to take it because I can't do it alone. This devotional hit the nail on the head for me.  God is there for me, always.  He never leaves me.  He gives me strength.    

I know He is there.  I feel Him.  I know that He is the only reason I am able to get up out of the bed.  God promises to never leave you.  He has not left me.  He is where I have to put my trust that it will all be ok.  Days where I have doubts, pain, tears, He is the only one I can lean on.  

The days are not easy, but He is how I get through them.