I Am Angry

I have always heard there are different stages of grief.  I knew anger was one of them.  I just looked up the others.

Denial
Anger
Bargaining
Depression
Acceptance

Isn't that exciting stuff to look forward to??

I believe that I am in the anger stage now.  Boy, am I angry.  Mad.

Mad at the world.  

I am angry that this is my life now.  We had so many plans.  So many things to do.

I am angry to have to classify myself as a widow.

A widow......

I am angry to have to deal with all of the 'stuff'.  So much to do.  So.Much.Stuff.....

I am angry I had to drive while we were in Alabama.  This was his home.  He knew the roads and how to get every where.  I am angry I had to travel those roads without him and had to relive all of the precious memories we made there in our short time together.

I am angry to be left here without a husband and to now have to do things on my own.

I am angry Brenna does not have a daddy.

I am angry I was only married 379 days.  I am angry that we only celebrated 1 anniversary.

ONE ANNIVERSARY.

I am angry that I just finished thank you cards for the wedding about 9 months ago...and now I am writing thank you notes for Jamey's funeral.

I am angry we did not have more days together.  I am angry that I miss him so much.

I am angry that everyone has moved on with their lives and I am still stuck on May 5th.

I am angry that I do not have my smile.  I want to find my joy again.  My happiness.

I am angry I am sad.

I am angry that life has to go on without him.

I know we have to go on with life....

I am angry Brenna has to go through life having lost her mom and dad.  How is that fair for her?

I am angry Jamey is not here to celebrate Brenna's birthday in a few weeks.  She had to go through these life moments and events without her mom, and now without her dad.  Really??

How do we go on without him??

The list of my angers can go on and on and on.....

I may be mad and I may be really angry, but I am also counting my blessings.

And, blessings, there are many.

My Savior
God's promises
Our time together, although short
My sweet Brenna
Our family
Our friends
My job

Many, many more.  I am thankful.

I am blessed.

I know that.

But, I am also angry.

This phase will pass.  God promises that.  He will bring me through.  I trust His promises.  I have to.  He is my comforter.  My faith is in Him.  I will praise Him in this storm.  His love never fails, never gives up, never runs out on me.

I know that. It brings me comfort when I am just mad at the world.  There is light at the end of this dark, dark tunnel.

"You do not realize now what I am doing, but later you will understand."  John 13:7

And, on a side note, if I snap at you during this phase of grief, please understand.  ;-)