Real Talk

I find it hard to write many days, so bare with me.

I mentioned before that Jesus Calling is an amazing devotion.  Yesterday, this jumped off the pages at me.  I stand in awe knowing this is the path Jesus chose for me.  I do not like it one bit or understand it at all, but I have faith that He knows.  I have to keep walking along this path with Him.  He says stay on the path I have selected for you.  It is the path of Life.  He says the journey will require strenuous effort, will be difficult and tiring.  You can bet it sure is.  I am weak, so so weak.  But, He promises that I will dance light-footed on the high peaks.  I am holding on for that.  He promises to hold my hand and give me strength and direction.  I am holding on really, really tight.  I can do this.  I have to do this.

You will show me the path of life; in Your presence is fullness and joy; At Your right hand are pleasures forevermore.  Psalm 16:11

I posted this photo on Facebook Friday.

Jamey dropped off a couple of wedding pictures to be framed the week before Jesus took him Home.  I have been thinking about those pictures and knew I needed to go pick them up....one day.  They called again last week, so I knew it was time.  Seeing them and remembering that day was a big blow to the gut.  I will not lie, it took my breath away to see them, those smiles, and remember that perfect day.  The only good I could get from those pictures in that moment was that this was the day I officially became a mom.  It was all in the plan Jesus set out for me.  This is how He brought me and Brenna together.  Instead of sadness, I am doing my best to focus on the good....and that, friends, is the best part of this tragedy.  My girl!  Brenna is the reason I get out of bed on those days I want to cover up my head and stay there forever.  She is my focus and my responsibility. I could not do this without her.

"I lift up my eyes to the mountains, where does my help come from?  My help comes from the Lord, the Maker of heaven and earth."  Psalm 121:1-2

Overall, we are doing the best we can most days.  I am doing my best to choose joy in my days and not focus on sadness.  Grief is very overwhelming and very depressing.  I make a conscience effort every day to smile.  When I wake up, I tell God He has to take it.  I cannot do it alone.  I make myself go to work, take care of the responsibilities I have to take care of.  Although my world stopped on May 5th, it does not mean everyone else's did.  I have to push myself.  I have to pull myself out of this hole.  I want my smile back.  I want my joy back.  In time, in time.  I know, I know.

I am just keeping it real, friends, keeping it real.