How are we doing?

That is a question I am getting a lot lately.  I wish I knew how to answer it, but I thought I would give it my best shot.  This will probably be all over the place, but I am writing from my heart and letting the Holy Spirit guide my fingers.

To be quite frank, it sucks.

Sorry to be so raw, but that is exactly how I feel.

I am numb.  I am lost.  I am overwhelmed.  I am in shock.  I am in denial.

But, I am blessed.  I still have my Jesus and I'll praise Him in this storm.

Have you ever walked through Target or the grocery store and saw someone just look like they are not there, stone-faced, dazed, and confused.  That is me.  I feel expression-less.  I find it hard to smile, to find joy in my day.  You can bet the next time I see someone with that expression, I am dropping to my knees praying for them.  You just never know what people are walking through.  I do now.

This may come across mean or careless, but I am speaking the truth and being real here, friends.  It is hard for me to see people's lives continuing.  I am still stuck on May 5, 2013.  It is hard to move past that dreadful day.  I have to, I know that, but it sucks.  I think that is why I am unable to go through Facebook and see everyone moving on, laughing and enjoying life.  I am not enjoying life right now.  I am trying, believe me, I am trying so hard.  I know life continues, but I just have not caught up yet.  I will, I just need time.

Each day, I make myself get up, get dressed, and do something.  Some days I get up just because of Brenna.  I thank God for her daily.  We need each other.  We are keeping busy.  Friends are inviting us over for fun, providing loads of meals, praying with us, playing with us, listening to us, and just simply being with us.  I am not one to call for help, so friends just show up and that is ok.  They are texting asking for specific prayer requests for the day and just coming by to give me a hug.  My family has not left my side and will not until I am ready for some space.  The words 'thank you' could never be strong enough for the overwhelming love and support we have received and continue to receive.  (By the way, I have not really started on thank you cards yet, but will in time.)

The phase "one day at a time" has never been so real and so true.  Some times it is one minute at a time or one second at a time.  Grief is hard and it comes without warning when you are driving down the street and see something that reminds me of Jamey.  He is everywhere.  A song on the radio.  A picture in the house.  A memory that crosses my mind.  Seeing sweet Brenna coming down the stairs.

I miss him.  I miss him so much it physically hurts.  Reality is starting to set in since things have calmed down over the past couple of weeks.  Reality that he is sitting beside Jesus and watching over us.  Reality that I will never get to hold his hand again, rub his arm, or kiss him on this side of Heaven.  Reality that we have to find our new normal, whatever that may be.

Brenna and I started counseling today.  Sadly but a blessing, she is seeing the same counselor Jamey took her to when her first mom passed away in 2009.  No child should ever have to experience the pain this precious one has gone through in her 11 years.  But, the counselors are excellent and I could not be more thankful.  She started to open up a little and my prayer is that she will continue.  She said she wanted to go back so that gives me joy today.

There is not much I know right now, but one thing I know for sure is that my Jesus has this.  He will get us through.  We have to stay focused on Him.  That is exactly where I find my comfort.  My faith is the only thing that I can lean on right now the only thing that makes any sense at all.  Nothing else does.  I have tried to make sense of it and I fail miserably every day.  Only the Lord knows why and I have to trust in that.  It is all I have.

I read something yesterday that stuck with me.  "I am not a careless God.  When I allow difficulties to come into your life, I equip you fully to handle them.  Relax in My presence, trusting My strength."

If you are walking through something, consider the book Jesus Calling.  It has provided me so much comfort over the past few weeks.

I thank you, my sweet friends, for loving on us and continuing to pray for us.  We feel the prayers every day and they are the reason I am able to walk and hold myself up and keep moving.