The Closet

This took a while.

I was not ready for this step.  It seemed soothing to walk into my/our closet and see all of Jamey's belongings hanging there waiting on him to return from that 'business trip'.  The blue plaid shirt he wore when we first met, the green shirt he loved to wear in the summer, the blue shirt that made his eyes sparkle, his beloved Alabama sweatshirt that he wore with pride.  The man had a lot of clothes.  He had so many dress shirts that we would laugh when he bought more.  And the shoes...wow!

I told myself many times in the first few months of this journey that he would be back.  He was just on a business trip and would be back in a week or so.  

He would be back.

He will walk through that door with his boisterous personality and big smile.  He would seek me out, like he always did, and give me that 'I'm home' kiss.  Brenna would run and jump up in his arms with a big hug! "Daddy's home!!!"

Sweet memories....

He is not coming back.  I had to finally accept that.

All of the grief books I read said I would feel the 'urge to purge'.  I would know when the time was right to go through his belongings and clean out.  I did not want to rush this.  I wanted to do it when I felt the time was right.  That was really important for me.  I wanted to do it on my terms and when I felt ready.

That urge hit me right after Christmas.

And, I just did it.  I did not prepare myself, I just started.  One day I walked in and started going through it all.  I knew I wanted to save some things for memory bears and quilts, but everything else would need a new home. I donated many, many things.  I kept what held the most memories, and boxed up some of his dress shirts to be given to someone who would appreciate/need them.

I did it!  And, it felt good.  It was time.

Now that I had gone through everything, I wanted to take the shirts to have quilts and memory bears made. I met a precious, precious Jesus-loving lady about 7 years ago that made me some amazing quilts.  I contacted her and asked if she could do these for me as well.  She graciously said yes!  And, she had a lady who works for her who makes memory bears!  I was so excited!!!

So, last Saturday, we got the bears!!!!  Jamey always, always, always wore khaki pants.  He hated jeans! So these bears had to have Jamey's khaki pants!  And, they did!

Are they not the sweetest things you have ever seen?!?!  We absolutely love them!  They are great to snuggle with when you need them!  They make me smile when I see them!  They look just like him!

The quilts should be ready by April or May!  I cannot wait!

Real Talk

A few things on my mind lately....

Nine months ago today.  Wow.

I thought getting through the holidays was tough, but the next few months will be just as hard.  Valentine's Day, Jamey's birthday, our anniversary, and then the anniversary of his death.  My counselor told me recently that I will feel like I have taken about 10 steps backward in my grief journey.  She says this is natural and expected.  Ugh!  I feel like I have been able to move forward and dreading the steps back.  It is part of the journey and something I have to deal with in the moment and not push aside, so that is exactly what I am going do.  Prayers please!!

The Super Bowl was Sunday night!  Did you watch??  Poor, poor Broncos!  Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers did the halftime show and it was pretty good!  Bruno sang "our song", Just the Way You Are. Sometimes it just hits you right in the gut.

Brenna is doing pretty well.  Her first mom's birthday was January 27th.  We make it a priority to celebrate Michelle's life, as we will/do Jamey's life.  Brenna got to choose where we had dinner and we enjoyed ice cream to celebrate.  Brenna was 8 when Michelle died, so I want her to always talk about her so we can keep the memories alive.  She will talk, but it is like pulling teeth sometimes.  I will continue to ask questions and talk about Michelle just as we always have.

We went to the basketball homecoming at Brenna's school a couple of weeks ago. I could not help but think if Brenna were ever on Homecoming Court, her daddy would not be there to escort her.  Ouch. That stung. I thought to myself, I'm so happy she is older now and all the "Father/Daughter" dances are for younger kids. I'm not sure I could handle much more.

I've said this before, we are so blessed to have an amazing school and AMAZING moms. These ladies have been there for us, helped me in ways I could never repay, and a support network like no other.  There are too many names to list, but these 6th grade moms rock. I love you, sweet ladies, and so very thankful and grateful for each of you. 

This weather!!!  Ugh!!!  You know, if it's going to be this cold we should at least have something pretty to look at and play in!!!  Bring on the snow!!!!

Basketball season is almost over!  I'm about as sad as Brenna!  We have a team party this weekend and the parents are playing a little game against the girls!!  This should be really interesting!  It's been quite a few years since I've played basketball!  May want to keep us in your prayers!!!

And, I'll start posting pictures soon!  Posts are pretty boring without pics!!

Stay warm out there!!!

The Ring

The ring.   

What to do?  What to do?

After Jamey went to be with Jesus, I kept staring at my rings.  I could not stop looking at them.  This wedding band that had only been on my hand for 379 days.  The gorgeous engagement ring that is too pretty to put up, much less, stop wearing.

What do I do with it?  What is considered the 'proper' or ‘appropriate’ thing to do?

One of the first questions I asked my counselor was "when do I stop wearing my ring?". The answer I kept getting over and over every time I asked was "whenever you are ready".  "It will feel right".  I even asked other widow friends and they all said, "you will know when the time is right".  

Would I know?  How would I know?  How do I stop wearing a ring that was given to me in the sweetest proposal ever?  

For months, I could not stop wearing it.  It was a part of me and I could not let it go.  

“It did not feel right”.  

I played around with taking it off some, but it didn't last.  My fingers felt naked without them on, like I was forgetting something.  I remember when we first got engaged, I would take my engagement ring off and put it beside me on my nightstand (diamond always facing toward me, of course!  HA!).  I was so afraid of losing it in the night.  Jamey and I laughed so hard just thinking about me shaking my hand while in a deep sleep and it flying away!  Crazy!  But, I eventually realized I would not be waking up in the middle of the night shaking my hand violently, so I felt like it was safe right where it was!  LOL!

It took me 37 years to find the man of my dreams and these rings meant something to me.  They stood for something very special and I was proud to be called his wife. Taking them off would mean he was no longer beside me, I was no longer married, and I was not ready to completely accept that just yet.

But, let me back up.  We celebrated our one year wedding anniversary on April 21, 2013. Jamey got me the most beautiful ring for our anniversary that I had planned to wear on my right hand.  It had to be sized so he picked it up from the jeweler on May 3rd.  Jamey went to be with Jesus on May 5th.  

God?  Yep!

As the months went by, I still kept thinking about what to do with my wedding rings.  I started to feel like I was portraying a lie.  I was not married anymore and these rings say otherwise.  Maybe it was starting to ‘feel right’.

I thought I would allow myself to get through the holidays then start moving my ring over to my right hand.  I decided I would continue to wear my engagement ring when I did make the transition.  I thought I just needed to get through the holidays.  But, as time went on, sometime in November, it started feeling like it was time.  

I did it! 

I put my engagement ring on my right hand and put my new anniversary ring on my left hand. Having the anniversary ring made the transition a little easier.  I no longer felt like I was telling a lie, but still had him close.  It was the right time for me.

What I learned during this process was that 'proper' or 'appropriate' doesn't matter.  What matters is to do what feels best for you.  Do not worry about what others think, what others say, or how others are dealing with it.  Do what is best for yourself and when it is best.  No one knows that but you!

Bloggy Makeover

Look what I got!  A much needed blog makeover!  I feel like I just got a new cute outfit!  The super-duper sweet and amazingly talented new friend of mine, Jennifer, did an amazing job and was so great to work with! Thank you so much, Jennifer! Don't you love the colors?  I wanted these colors in my bedroom, but they just didn't go with the decor of the rest of my house...so the blog, perfect!  Ha!

I am working to update the different tabs at the top and starting to write more so keep checking back.  You can even subscribe to my blog and get posts emailed right to your inbox.  I feel so fancy!

What do you all think?

Don't Yell

God and I have many conversations throughout my day.  We chat a lot and I even yell and scream when I am upset.  I plead for answers.  I plead for direction, guidance, hope.

I ask "why"....I ask "what now"...I ask "what about..."

But, I am learning more and more every day to just stop and listen.

Be quiet.

Be still.

Listen.

Really listen.

I NEED to listen.

It is hard.  So very hard to do.  How do you know when He speaks?  How do you know it is really Him speaking?  Do you find yourself wondering if it is the Holy Spirit or satan?  I know I sure do.

Many times I have asked God to speak really loud so I know it's Him.  I have even asked Him to slap me in the face so there is no question that I know it's Him.  There have been many times in my life that He has done just that.  I talked about it in my blog from when I lived in Europe.  Here is a link to that post (click here).  It talks about how God clearly and loudly spoke to me and told me to go to Europe.  It was so clear.  So loud. I also wrote about when God clearly and loudly spoke to me soon after Jamey went to be with Jesus (click here).  I still think about that day.  His voice was so incredibly loud in my heart it stopped me in my tracks. Amazing!

I often wonder why I heard Him so loudly those days.  How was my heart so open to be able to hear Him and know it was Him?  My little impatient mind wants more.  I want it now!  But how?  I am teaching Brenna about patience.  She needs to learn patience.  I should take some of my own advice and be patient.  Stop, be quiet, and listen.

I heard this a while back and I love the image it left in my mind.

Do you know why God doesn't yell?  

It is because He's sitting right next to you. You don't yell at someone sitting right next to you.

What an amazing visual that left in my head.  I try to no longer scream or yell when I am upset.  I am not always successful, but I do try.  I try to sit quietly knowing my Lord is sitting right next to me holding me up.  He's got this, my friend Sarah, would say. She's right, God's got this.  I just have to be still, be quiet, and wait patiently.

Psalm 37:7-9
Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.  Refrain from anger and turn from wrath; do not fret - it leads only to evil.  For those who are evil will be destroyed, but those who hope in the Lord will inherit the land.

Romans 12:12
Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.

My Birthday

(I am playing catch up, so we are going back to October!!)

One of the 'firsts' I was dreading was my birthday. I have this thing about birthdays. They are worth celebrating, making a big deal over, and having fun!  Everyone has one and I say "go big or go home."  ;-)

I knew this day would be sad. But, I didn't want to be sad. So, I told Brenna to invite a group of girls over and let's party!  I mean, really, how can you be sad with a bunch of 11 & 12 year olds in the house?!?!  I have many wonderful, amazing friends who would have gone completely out of their way to make my day special; however, I knew this was the perfect plan!

So, we did just that. We had a house full of girls!  I picked them up from school and came home for dinner.  

I had a few hungry girls on my hands!!!  And I got enough for a midnight snack!  

My party!!!  I cannot tell you how much I love these girls!!  They are the most precious friends to Brenna. They are crazy, wild, sweet, and compassionate. I pray they are always this amazing and not let the teenage drama creep up and come between them. 

And, their parents....yep, the apple doesn't fall far from the tree!  They are pretty spectacular too!!

We are so blessed!

I recruited another mom to help transport and watch this crew for our next adventure. For the evening entertainment, we went to a local farm for some spooky, haunted Halloween fun!  Haunted hayrides, bonfires, hot chocolate, etc.  We had such a great night!!!  (My birthday was in October.)

On the way home I got a call from my friend, Jennie. She currently lives in Akron, OH. I thought she was calling to wish me a happy birthday. But, no, she was in town to surprise me and sitting in my driveway!!!  And, since I planned this little party and didn't know she was in town, she showed up at my house at 11pm when we got home from the farm!  What an amazing surprise!!!  Thanks, Jennie, for making my day!!!

We ended the night with cupcakes and a sleepover!  

I went to bed exhausted and missed Jamey like crazy, but these girls filled me up with lots of love!

Such a great night!  

I'm Back!

Wow, I cannot believe that I have not written since October!  Ouch!  Life got a little crazy with my birthday (October 25th), Thanksgiving, then Christmas.  So many firsts!

I have prayed about this blog and if I will continue to write.  The overwhelming feeling I got was, yes!  God wants me to continue to share my journey with you sweet friends.

So, stay tuned!  I will be back and update you all on how our holidays went and where we are in our journey of grief!

And, thank you all for continuing to reach out to me and pray for us!  I have said it many times, prayers are the only way we are making it through!

Love to you all!