A Year of "Firsts"

Life has been a bit crazy over the past few weeks so forgive me for neglecting the blog!!!  Thanks for continuing to love on us so much!

A whole year....365 days of 'firsts' without him.

How did that happen?  Where did time go?

But, I can truly say that we survived.  We did it!!!  We made it through days when I was not sure I could make it through.

Father's Day
Visits to Alabama
Brenna's Birthday
First Day of School
My Birthday
The Holidays
Valentine's Day
His Birthday
Our Anniversary
May 5th

These are just a few of the days I remember being the toughest.  Then there are just the ordinary days of nothing going on when I missed him the most.  Days that we would have hung out at home, made dinner together, folded laundry, I would watch him iron (because he did all the ironing!!!), played outside, and watched a move with Brenna.

I found myself dreading the holidays so much.  I stressed out about how to handle them and what we should plan to do.  Then, I kept reminding myself that we just have to get through it and live life.  Live the life Jamey would want us to live.  Not to dwell on the past but know that Jamey is sitting with Jesus and watching over us.  That does not mean at all that we do not miss him so so much every single day.  Not at all.  I never understood the meaning of the word "miss" until Jamey went to be with Jesus.  I never understood how much you could miss someone.  How much you would give to hear his voice again, feel his touch, hear his laugh.  I get it now.  Boy, do I get it.  But, I do have an overwhelming feeling and comfort knowing that Jamey would want us to continue to live the life God has planned for us.  He will always ALWAYS be in our hearts.

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  (Jeremiah 29:11)

I remember so many people said to me, "Get through the firsts, those will be the hardest."  "Don't make any big decisions the first year".  I kept thinking all year, just get through it, just get through the first year.  I almost had myself thinking that when I wake up on May 6, 2014 and all would be well and I would be over it.  HA!  Not so much.  Who was I kidding.

I read this recently....Grief does not have a time limit.  The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to.

Yep.

I cannot help but stop to reflect on how we survived our first year without Jamey.  First, my Jesus continues to carry us every single day. There was a conscience choice I made the day Jamey passed.  I chose to praise Him in this storm daily.  I could have chosen to blame God for taking him so soon, for leaving me after only 379 days of marriage, and leaving Brenna without a daddy at the age of 11.  I did not.  I chose to praise Him and thank Him for the time we had with Jamey, for the love that Jamey showed us, and thank Him for the blessings He continues to bestow on us.

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.  (Psalms 46:1)

There are far too many friends and family to list, but we certainly could not have made it this far on this grief journey without the love and compassion that we have seen over the past year.  "Thank you" is so inadequate to express our gratitude.  We have seen God in so many of you and I am forever thankful you have all listened to Him and came in our time of need.  I am so very thankful for the stronger relationships I have made with so many mommas and daddys out there that I may not have if this did not happen.  I see God's hands at work in all of this.  Blessings come through raindrops.  It makes me think of a song that I adore.

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What is your healing comes through tears
What is a thousand sleepless night are what it takes to know You're near
-Laura Story, "Blessings"

So, here we are.  We are embarking on our year of 'seconds'.  I bet they are not as hard as the 'firsts', but hard nonetheless.  Life is certainly not the same but we are making it in our new normal.  I pray that you all continue to stand by us as we walk this journey and continue to live the life God has planned for us.