Happy 39th Birthday!!!

March 29, 2014

Jamey's 39th birthday.

Another tough first.

I know there was a grand party going on in Heaven!  I just know it.  Jamey knew how to do it right, and this would not be any exception.  He would be celebrating with his daddy and Michelle, his cousin Jackie, and many others that he held close who had gone before him.  I bet there was plenty carrot cake to go around!

As with all of the 'firsts' that we have experienced this year, this was one that I had on my mind for a while. What would we do?  How would we celebrate him?  How will be make it through?

As the date was approaching, my calendar started filling up.  Brenna's school was holding a 5K Color Run that morning and Brenna had a spring league basketball game that afternoon.  I think that God knew I needed many distractions to get through the day.  Of course, He did.  As the weekend approached, I tried to figure out how we would fit in the things I specifically wanted to do for his birthday.  I knew there would not be a lot of time, but I told myself I would go with the flow and do what we could do.  Jamey would want us to continue living our lives and not miss out on anything.

So, that is exactly what we did.  We lived!

We started off at 7:30am at the NCS Color Splash 5K!

My face, my hair.  It was worth it!!!

If you have never done a color run (this was my first), this is one that you should consider doing! Although it was FREEZING, we had such a great time!  You are 'splashed' with color as you run/walk the course. Then, at the end, everyone gets a packet of color and throws it up!  I had color in places color did not belong, but it was so much fun.  A friend said it was the best school fundraiser ever!!  I totally agree!!!

So fun!

It was a fun activity that distracted me from reality and where I received a lot of love and hugs from my sweet NCS family!!!  Love you, ladies!!

Then, after loooong warm showers, we were off to Brenna's basketball game.  (Sorry about the fuzzy pics! She runs too fast!!)

I wish that I had the energy this child has.  This day was on her mind and I could see it all over on her face.

It was a day that we just needed to pray our way through and do the best we can.

We ended the day having dinner at Jamey's favorite restaurant, J. Alexander's.  It was delicious, but certainly not the same.  This was my first time there since his passing, so it was a bit surreal.  He always got the Hyde Park chicken sandwich with Monetary Jack and a side of mayo.  Always.  He never deviated!!!  I always get the Steak Maui.

After dinner, we came home and called it a day.  It was an exhausting day.  I was in my bed by 8pm and that was just fine with me.

I was not able to do some of the things that I had planned or thought we would do, but I told myself that was ok.  I am doing best I can on days like this.

He is always in my heart and on my mind, no matter the day.  We celebrate him every single day.

Matthew 25:21 says, "Well done, good and faithful servant!  You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge if many things.  Come and share your master's happiness."

Well done, my love, well done!  And, Happy 39th Birthday!!!!

10 Months

It's one of those nights where I just need to be alone, in my bed, and just 'be'. I got home from bible study, got Brenna taken care of, and now some 'me' time. I felt lead to blog, so here I am with no idea what to write. I let the Holy Spirit guide my fingers on times like these.

I'm in an amazing bible study (Chronological Bible Discipleship) on Wednesday nights. We've said many times, our coming together was no accident. God knew all of these ladies would need each other.  Honestly, I started this study out of pressure from a couple of friends. Seriously.  Pressure. I needed something to do with myself during the evenings after Jamey went to be with Jesus, so this was a great thing to throw myself into. It was one of the best things I've done in a while. It has become a highlight in my week. I'm digging deeper into the Word more than ever before. Clinging to it with all my might. I'm no scholar.  Far from it. I'm a simple girl learning to love The Lord more and more every day. And learning to trust the Lord more and more every day.  I do not claim to know everything (not by a long shot).  I struggle with reading my Bible just like many of you. I struggle to find books in the Bible and have to use my index quite regularly to find the book I'm looking for.  That's ok!  Just keep reading!  And I just recently got truly comfortable praying out loud. That took me a while.

But, I memorize Scripture and it talks to me. I am hungry for more every week that passes. Learning more about Him, what His plans are for us, and learning to trust Him more and more. 

We read the story tonight about Abraham and his faith. Genesis 22!  Read it....read it now!

My notes....Faith jumped off the pages while reading about Abraham. 

A couple of key things that came out of our study tonight....

God's Will cannot be understood by human reasoning. It has to be revealed and acted upon by faith. 

Read that again and think about it......

Faith. 

Another....

Absolute surrender demonstrates mature faith. 

Faith.

Faith that God has a plan.  Faith that He will keep Him promises. Faith.

Lord, I'm trusting and surrender all. 

Today marks 10 months. 

10 months. 

I cannot believe it. Some days I'm am doing fine (as fine can be in my new normal), then other days I'm a mess. Some days, like today, I think it hurts worse than ever. 

A very sweet friend always reaches out to me on the 5th of each month. She remembers and knows these days are hard. I'm so grateful. I got a card in the mail from her today.  I love this verse...

Thank you, sweet friend!

Will the pain ever go away?  Will it ever stop hurting this bad?  Will I ever stop having flashbacks of the dreadful day?

Faith. 

The word 'faith' is on my heart tonight. God's got this. He knows what the future has in store for us. On days like this I wonder what the future does hold. What does God have in store for a girl who lost the love of her life only after 379 days of marriage and a little girl who has lost both parents before the age of 12. Will beauty come from these ashes (Isaiah 61:3)?

Yes, I know it will. Yes, I know God will take care of us. And yes, I'm impatient.  Ha!  It's my blog and I get to be honest!

God's time.  Not Tippa's time. 

There are days where I struggle with this. Truly struggle to see how any good can come of it. That I will be happy again. That my joy will come back. 

But, I cling to His promises and have faith.  Even when I struggle, I cling to His promises. 

Some days, most days, faith is all I have.