Valentine's Day - A Widow's Perspective

Note from me:  This blog is good therapy for me.  It gives me a chance to get out things that I cannot say out loud.  My writing is real, it is raw, and it is honest.  I write for me.  I write for others who are going through something similar to know they are not alone.  I write for those who may not understand what I am going through now, but may need to hear this in the future.  I write to show how God's mercy and grace runs through me.  To be completely honest, I started not to write this post.  I thought I would just deal with the emotions of Valentine's Day myself and let it go.  But, something inside me kept telling me to write, so I did.  I remembered why I write in the first place. So here we go....

Valentine's Day 2014....my first as a widow.

Ouch.

I knew it was coming.  Obviously!  You cannot walk through a store without being inundated with all things love, kisses, hearts, red roses, teddy bears, candy, etc etc etc.  I knew I would be sad.  I knew I would miss him.

Just how sad....that took me by surprise.

I realize that Valentine's Day is a weird holiday where love is forced on us.  I call it a "Hallmark holiday".  It is so commercialized, but truthfully, every one wants to be loved on Valentine's Day.

Jamey and I celebrated Valentine's Day with the rest of America.  We would have a fancy dinner (sometimes at home, sometimes out) he always sent me flowers, nice card, nice gift, candy.  We were that couple.  He was a romantic and always celebrated big on holidays with the ones he loved.  We loved every single day and knew it is important to show love all the time, not just on February 14th.  We certainly had our priorities in order. We knew the 'show of Valentine's' was just that, a show.  We would both be completely content and happy sitting at home, watching a movie, and cooking dinner.  Being together is what is important!  But, we liked to have fun with it when we could, so we did.

I will never forget our first Valentine's Day.  We were just getting serious in our relationship and I was so excited about Valentine's.  He had reservations at a super fancy place.  I got him cuff-links.  I was so proud of that gift!  Guys are so hard to buy for and I was excited I came up with something nice.

The night before Valentine's I cooked dinner.  I cooked (well under-cooked) chicken.  I have no idea what I was thinking, but I took it out of the oven after 16 minutes when it was obviously not done.  I was not thinking clearly (must have been all the love and excitement in the air!!).  Needless to say, I woke up at 2am S.I.C.K!!  So so SO sick.  There was something important at work the following day that I had to go for.  I remember walking really slow not to make any sudden movements.  I was so upset because it was our first Valentine's Day and I was ruined it!

When Jamey got to my house I was prepared with a barf bag for the car (just in case).  He looked at me and said, "I am not sure you can do this?"  I told him, "I think I can, let's go!". Then, I looked at him and said, "No, I can't do this."  I was so sad!!!  He had a perfect night planned and it was ruined by stupid salmonella! Bless his sweet heart, he called and canceled our reservations and ordered Newks to go!  We sat at the kitchen island and I ate about 3 bites of a salad.  Very romantic night!  HA!

Now, every time I bake chicken, Brenna asks if it is done all the way through.  Awesome!

Jamey and I celebrated three Valentine's together.  All very special (well, with the exception of food poisoning).  I knew after seeing his reaction to me having food poisoning that he would take care of me forever!

Fast forward to last Friday.

Valentine's Day 2014.

The day before I was gathering Brenna's Valentine gift together.  Jamey always bought us these decorated gumballs from Dinstuhl's.  He would get them for Easter and Valentine's Day.  We never ate them.  They were too cute to eat.  We have quite the collection!  Brenna loves them!  I knew that was something I had to get for her, so I did.  As I was putting her Valentine together, I thought about how I would get through the day.  I remember thinking, I know I will be sad and miss him, but I miss him every day.  This day shouldn't be any different than any other normal day.

Those were the thoughts I had as I went to bed.

When I woke up on February 14th, the tears were uncontrollable.  I could not stop them.  I crawled out of bed and started getting dressed.  I was somewhat ok until Brenna brought me a very sweet card in the bathroom where I was getting dressed. I lost it.  Completely lost it.  Mascara streaming down the face, lost it!  She was just staring at me like I was crazy.  But, I could not hold it in anymore.  She asked what was wrong and I explained that I was very sad and missing her daddy very much.  She gave me the biggest, sweetest hug.

As the day went on, I stayed off of Facebook or any other social media.  I just couldn't have it in my face.  I looked the other direction when I saw all of the flower deliveries at work.  Please do not get me wrong.  I am so very very happy for everyone whose Valentine is extra sweet that day.  Really, really happy for them. But, I could not stop the tears. They just kept rolling....ALL.MORNING.LONG!

I was taken aback by all of the emotions.  I was not expecting to feel this much sadness.  I have not felt so alone as I did on this day.  It felt like I had lost him all over again.

Friends checked on me throughout the day.  They knew it would be a tough day.  A dear friend summed it up best....."Big Heart = Big Deal.  That is why we loved Jamey so much.  He truly celebrated the holidays with the ones he loved."

He sure did!

I spent the evening with my girl getting mani/pedis.  Pappy (my dad) came along too!  That man loves getting a pedicure and spending time with his girls.  The day got better as it went on, but I would be lying if I didn't say I was ready for it to be over.

The flood of emotions just took me by surprise.  I will forever have a special place in my heart for widows.  I get how the feelings ache inside you when there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it.  I get the little things that bring up emotions and tears that we cannot hold in.  I get how lonely you feel when everyone else seems to be so happy in love.  I understand when you just want to hide your head and not face days where love is thrown in your face.  I get the importance of receiving a little love on Valentine's Day or any other day when you think everyone else has forgotten about you.  I get it.  I understand.  I keep telling myself that it is ok to have these emotions of sadness.  It is ok!  It doesn't make it any easier, but it is ok!

So, another 'first' and we survived.  Thank you, Jesus!

1 Corinthians 13:7-8
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends....