Adoption Day!

Oh what an amazing day!!

When Jamey and I were engaged and talking about our future, we talked about Brenna.  One of the things we talked about was that I wanted to adopt her and make her officially, my girl!!  That was our plan!  It was something at the top of our list of things we needed to do once we got married.

Life was busy those 379 days we were married and had not gotten around to 'making it official'.  I became a mom really before we were married and certainly after the "I do's".  I fell in love with Brenna immediately upon meeting her.  How could you not!?!  This amazing girl brightens up any room she walks into.  She has such an amazing and kind heart.  She has gone through more in her 12 years than most have in a lifetime.  I remember one night Jamey and Brenna dropped me off at home and while they were pulling out of my driveway, Brenna said, "Daddy, I think I love Tippa!".  Jamey beamed telling me about that moment!

So precious!  She won my heart immediately.

Life dealt her a major blow at the age of eight when her first mom went to be with Jesus.  Then again at the age of 11 when Jesus came for Jamey.  How do you explain this to a child?  How do you assure her that she is going to be ok?  How do you comfort a child who has lost so much so young?   These are just a few of the many conversations we have had over the past nine months.  She asked many tough questions and required honest answers.

"What happens if you die?"
"Who will I live with?"
"Are you going to die?"

Children are blunt and say things without sugarcoating them like we tend to do as adults.  Of course she had these concerns and questions.  Of course she has these worries and anxiety.  How could these things not weigh heavy on her mind?  They weigh heavy on my mind daily.

Counseling has helped me so much in knowing how to answer these questions open and honestly and how to help a grieving child who feels so displaced and uncertain with what the future holds for her.  Children need to know they are loved and they are safe.  They need to have answers to those questions, as best as I can answer them.

There was never a single doubt in my mind that Brenna would stay with me after Jamey passed away. NOT.ONE.MINUTE did I ever consider anything differently.  God placed this child in my life for a reason and it is perfectly clear to me why.  Brenna would need a mother and I was to be that mom.

There were so so so many things that had to be done when Jamey died.  More than I ever realized. My list was L.O.N.G.  I assured Brenna over and over that she was going to stay with me.  I even asked her if that is what she wanted. She proudly said yes.  This was her home.

However, it wasn't until Brenna told the counselor that she was afraid that I would give her up, that I jumped through hoops to get the adoption moving faster than ever.  From my perspective, there was never any question that she would stay with me, so I allowed the courts to move at their pace without jumping in.  It never occurred to me that without it being 'official', Brenna would think I could give her up at any time.  I never ever saw that.  I have regrets about not stepping in sooner to get this done and relieving a stress she had and I didn't even realize.  Now, looking back, I can see how, in her little mind, this would be a worry, no matter how much reassurance and love I gave her.  There is something about 'making it official'.

But after I heard this from the counselor, I knew this needed to happen and happen quickly.  I immediately called my attorney and told him what Brenna said.  He got on the phone with the judge and plead our case. There is a lot that happened during this time that is too much to go into here, but just two weeks later, on December 9, 2013, my attorney called me at 7am suggesting we just show up and see if the judge will see us.  We were running up against the holidays and the court dockets were full with cases trying to get done before the Christmas break. We would leave it in God's hands to see if we could make this happen.

God came through!!!

Of course, He did!  He always does!

He allowed us to see the judge that morning without an appointment!  This is the same judge we saw when I was given guardianship over Brenna the week after Jamey passed.  This is also the same judge who lost her husband just couple of weeks before Jamey passed.  God placed us in front of someone who would have the compassion to hear our case and make it official.  Thank you, Jesus!  

And immediately, the weight was lifted off of Brenna's shoulders and I saw an immediate difference.  I saw a little more pep in her step.  I saw a smile like I had never seen before.  I saw relief in her eyes and I felt her hug me tighter than ever before.  What an amazing experience and difference!

Brenna was so excited to be apart of the process.  She told the counselor that the adoption made her heart burst that she was so happy!  She was happy the judge looked at her and asked if this is what she wanted. She was happy when the judge asked if she was happy.  She was happy she got to make the choice. Hearing all of this made my heart burst!!!

December 9th is a day we will always remember and celebrate!!!  I received this precious and most perfect frame for Christmas!  Brenna proudly wrote December 9, 2013 on the back so we will never forget the date!!  What a day to celebrate!

I posted the picture from Adoption Day on Facebook on December 9th and was blown away by the love of our family and friends.  At last count, this one picture had 584 'Likes" and 171 comments.  Crazy love I am given by you all daily!!

Thank you for loving on us so much!!!!

Valentine's Day - A Widow's Perspective

Note from me:  This blog is good therapy for me.  It gives me a chance to get out things that I cannot say out loud.  My writing is real, it is raw, and it is honest.  I write for me.  I write for others who are going through something similar to know they are not alone.  I write for those who may not understand what I am going through now, but may need to hear this in the future.  I write to show how God's mercy and grace runs through me.  To be completely honest, I started not to write this post.  I thought I would just deal with the emotions of Valentine's Day myself and let it go.  But, something inside me kept telling me to write, so I did.  I remembered why I write in the first place. So here we go....

Valentine's Day 2014....my first as a widow.

Ouch.

I knew it was coming.  Obviously!  You cannot walk through a store without being inundated with all things love, kisses, hearts, red roses, teddy bears, candy, etc etc etc.  I knew I would be sad.  I knew I would miss him.

Just how sad....that took me by surprise.

I realize that Valentine's Day is a weird holiday where love is forced on us.  I call it a "Hallmark holiday".  It is so commercialized, but truthfully, every one wants to be loved on Valentine's Day.

Jamey and I celebrated Valentine's Day with the rest of America.  We would have a fancy dinner (sometimes at home, sometimes out) he always sent me flowers, nice card, nice gift, candy.  We were that couple.  He was a romantic and always celebrated big on holidays with the ones he loved.  We loved every single day and knew it is important to show love all the time, not just on February 14th.  We certainly had our priorities in order. We knew the 'show of Valentine's' was just that, a show.  We would both be completely content and happy sitting at home, watching a movie, and cooking dinner.  Being together is what is important!  But, we liked to have fun with it when we could, so we did.

I will never forget our first Valentine's Day.  We were just getting serious in our relationship and I was so excited about Valentine's.  He had reservations at a super fancy place.  I got him cuff-links.  I was so proud of that gift!  Guys are so hard to buy for and I was excited I came up with something nice.

The night before Valentine's I cooked dinner.  I cooked (well under-cooked) chicken.  I have no idea what I was thinking, but I took it out of the oven after 16 minutes when it was obviously not done.  I was not thinking clearly (must have been all the love and excitement in the air!!).  Needless to say, I woke up at 2am S.I.C.K!!  So so SO sick.  There was something important at work the following day that I had to go for.  I remember walking really slow not to make any sudden movements.  I was so upset because it was our first Valentine's Day and I was ruined it!

When Jamey got to my house I was prepared with a barf bag for the car (just in case).  He looked at me and said, "I am not sure you can do this?"  I told him, "I think I can, let's go!". Then, I looked at him and said, "No, I can't do this."  I was so sad!!!  He had a perfect night planned and it was ruined by stupid salmonella! Bless his sweet heart, he called and canceled our reservations and ordered Newks to go!  We sat at the kitchen island and I ate about 3 bites of a salad.  Very romantic night!  HA!

Now, every time I bake chicken, Brenna asks if it is done all the way through.  Awesome!

Jamey and I celebrated three Valentine's together.  All very special (well, with the exception of food poisoning).  I knew after seeing his reaction to me having food poisoning that he would take care of me forever!

Fast forward to last Friday.

Valentine's Day 2014.

The day before I was gathering Brenna's Valentine gift together.  Jamey always bought us these decorated gumballs from Dinstuhl's.  He would get them for Easter and Valentine's Day.  We never ate them.  They were too cute to eat.  We have quite the collection!  Brenna loves them!  I knew that was something I had to get for her, so I did.  As I was putting her Valentine together, I thought about how I would get through the day.  I remember thinking, I know I will be sad and miss him, but I miss him every day.  This day shouldn't be any different than any other normal day.

Those were the thoughts I had as I went to bed.

When I woke up on February 14th, the tears were uncontrollable.  I could not stop them.  I crawled out of bed and started getting dressed.  I was somewhat ok until Brenna brought me a very sweet card in the bathroom where I was getting dressed. I lost it.  Completely lost it.  Mascara streaming down the face, lost it!  She was just staring at me like I was crazy.  But, I could not hold it in anymore.  She asked what was wrong and I explained that I was very sad and missing her daddy very much.  She gave me the biggest, sweetest hug.

As the day went on, I stayed off of Facebook or any other social media.  I just couldn't have it in my face.  I looked the other direction when I saw all of the flower deliveries at work.  Please do not get me wrong.  I am so very very happy for everyone whose Valentine is extra sweet that day.  Really, really happy for them. But, I could not stop the tears. They just kept rolling....ALL.MORNING.LONG!

I was taken aback by all of the emotions.  I was not expecting to feel this much sadness.  I have not felt so alone as I did on this day.  It felt like I had lost him all over again.

Friends checked on me throughout the day.  They knew it would be a tough day.  A dear friend summed it up best....."Big Heart = Big Deal.  That is why we loved Jamey so much.  He truly celebrated the holidays with the ones he loved."

He sure did!

I spent the evening with my girl getting mani/pedis.  Pappy (my dad) came along too!  That man loves getting a pedicure and spending time with his girls.  The day got better as it went on, but I would be lying if I didn't say I was ready for it to be over.

The flood of emotions just took me by surprise.  I will forever have a special place in my heart for widows.  I get how the feelings ache inside you when there is absolutely nothing that can be done about it.  I get the little things that bring up emotions and tears that we cannot hold in.  I get how lonely you feel when everyone else seems to be so happy in love.  I understand when you just want to hide your head and not face days where love is thrown in your face.  I get the importance of receiving a little love on Valentine's Day or any other day when you think everyone else has forgotten about you.  I get it.  I understand.  I keep telling myself that it is ok to have these emotions of sadness.  It is ok!  It doesn't make it any easier, but it is ok!

So, another 'first' and we survived.  Thank you, Jesus!

1 Corinthians 13:7-8
Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.  Love never ends....  

The Closet

This took a while.

I was not ready for this step.  It seemed soothing to walk into my/our closet and see all of Jamey's belongings hanging there waiting on him to return from that 'business trip'.  The blue plaid shirt he wore when we first met, the green shirt he loved to wear in the summer, the blue shirt that made his eyes sparkle, his beloved Alabama sweatshirt that he wore with pride.  The man had a lot of clothes.  He had so many dress shirts that we would laugh when he bought more.  And the shoes...wow!

I told myself many times in the first few months of this journey that he would be back.  He was just on a business trip and would be back in a week or so.  

He would be back.

He will walk through that door with his boisterous personality and big smile.  He would seek me out, like he always did, and give me that 'I'm home' kiss.  Brenna would run and jump up in his arms with a big hug! "Daddy's home!!!"

Sweet memories....

He is not coming back.  I had to finally accept that.

All of the grief books I read said I would feel the 'urge to purge'.  I would know when the time was right to go through his belongings and clean out.  I did not want to rush this.  I wanted to do it when I felt the time was right.  That was really important for me.  I wanted to do it on my terms and when I felt ready.

That urge hit me right after Christmas.

And, I just did it.  I did not prepare myself, I just started.  One day I walked in and started going through it all.  I knew I wanted to save some things for memory bears and quilts, but everything else would need a new home. I donated many, many things.  I kept what held the most memories, and boxed up some of his dress shirts to be given to someone who would appreciate/need them.

I did it!  And, it felt good.  It was time.

Now that I had gone through everything, I wanted to take the shirts to have quilts and memory bears made. I met a precious, precious Jesus-loving lady about 7 years ago that made me some amazing quilts.  I contacted her and asked if she could do these for me as well.  She graciously said yes!  And, she had a lady who works for her who makes memory bears!  I was so excited!!!

So, last Saturday, we got the bears!!!!  Jamey always, always, always wore khaki pants.  He hated jeans! So these bears had to have Jamey's khaki pants!  And, they did!

Are they not the sweetest things you have ever seen?!?!  We absolutely love them!  They are great to snuggle with when you need them!  They make me smile when I see them!  They look just like him!

The quilts should be ready by April or May!  I cannot wait!

Real Talk

A few things on my mind lately....

Nine months ago today.  Wow.

I thought getting through the holidays was tough, but the next few months will be just as hard.  Valentine's Day, Jamey's birthday, our anniversary, and then the anniversary of his death.  My counselor told me recently that I will feel like I have taken about 10 steps backward in my grief journey.  She says this is natural and expected.  Ugh!  I feel like I have been able to move forward and dreading the steps back.  It is part of the journey and something I have to deal with in the moment and not push aside, so that is exactly what I am going do.  Prayers please!!

The Super Bowl was Sunday night!  Did you watch??  Poor, poor Broncos!  Bruno Mars and the Red Hot Chili Peppers did the halftime show and it was pretty good!  Bruno sang "our song", Just the Way You Are. Sometimes it just hits you right in the gut.

Brenna is doing pretty well.  Her first mom's birthday was January 27th.  We make it a priority to celebrate Michelle's life, as we will/do Jamey's life.  Brenna got to choose where we had dinner and we enjoyed ice cream to celebrate.  Brenna was 8 when Michelle died, so I want her to always talk about her so we can keep the memories alive.  She will talk, but it is like pulling teeth sometimes.  I will continue to ask questions and talk about Michelle just as we always have.

We went to the basketball homecoming at Brenna's school a couple of weeks ago. I could not help but think if Brenna were ever on Homecoming Court, her daddy would not be there to escort her.  Ouch. That stung. I thought to myself, I'm so happy she is older now and all the "Father/Daughter" dances are for younger kids. I'm not sure I could handle much more.

I've said this before, we are so blessed to have an amazing school and AMAZING moms. These ladies have been there for us, helped me in ways I could never repay, and a support network like no other.  There are too many names to list, but these 6th grade moms rock. I love you, sweet ladies, and so very thankful and grateful for each of you. 

This weather!!!  Ugh!!!  You know, if it's going to be this cold we should at least have something pretty to look at and play in!!!  Bring on the snow!!!!

Basketball season is almost over!  I'm about as sad as Brenna!  We have a team party this weekend and the parents are playing a little game against the girls!!  This should be really interesting!  It's been quite a few years since I've played basketball!  May want to keep us in your prayers!!!

And, I'll start posting pictures soon!  Posts are pretty boring without pics!!

Stay warm out there!!!

The Ring

The ring.   

What to do?  What to do?

After Jamey went to be with Jesus, I kept staring at my rings.  I could not stop looking at them.  This wedding band that had only been on my hand for 379 days.  The gorgeous engagement ring that is too pretty to put up, much less, stop wearing.

What do I do with it?  What is considered the 'proper' or ‘appropriate’ thing to do?

One of the first questions I asked my counselor was "when do I stop wearing my ring?". The answer I kept getting over and over every time I asked was "whenever you are ready".  "It will feel right".  I even asked other widow friends and they all said, "you will know when the time is right".  

Would I know?  How would I know?  How do I stop wearing a ring that was given to me in the sweetest proposal ever?  

For months, I could not stop wearing it.  It was a part of me and I could not let it go.  

“It did not feel right”.  

I played around with taking it off some, but it didn't last.  My fingers felt naked without them on, like I was forgetting something.  I remember when we first got engaged, I would take my engagement ring off and put it beside me on my nightstand (diamond always facing toward me, of course!  HA!).  I was so afraid of losing it in the night.  Jamey and I laughed so hard just thinking about me shaking my hand while in a deep sleep and it flying away!  Crazy!  But, I eventually realized I would not be waking up in the middle of the night shaking my hand violently, so I felt like it was safe right where it was!  LOL!

It took me 37 years to find the man of my dreams and these rings meant something to me.  They stood for something very special and I was proud to be called his wife. Taking them off would mean he was no longer beside me, I was no longer married, and I was not ready to completely accept that just yet.

But, let me back up.  We celebrated our one year wedding anniversary on April 21, 2013. Jamey got me the most beautiful ring for our anniversary that I had planned to wear on my right hand.  It had to be sized so he picked it up from the jeweler on May 3rd.  Jamey went to be with Jesus on May 5th.  

God?  Yep!

As the months went by, I still kept thinking about what to do with my wedding rings.  I started to feel like I was portraying a lie.  I was not married anymore and these rings say otherwise.  Maybe it was starting to ‘feel right’.

I thought I would allow myself to get through the holidays then start moving my ring over to my right hand.  I decided I would continue to wear my engagement ring when I did make the transition.  I thought I just needed to get through the holidays.  But, as time went on, sometime in November, it started feeling like it was time.  

I did it! 

I put my engagement ring on my right hand and put my new anniversary ring on my left hand. Having the anniversary ring made the transition a little easier.  I no longer felt like I was telling a lie, but still had him close.  It was the right time for me.

What I learned during this process was that 'proper' or 'appropriate' doesn't matter.  What matters is to do what feels best for you.  Do not worry about what others think, what others say, or how others are dealing with it.  Do what is best for yourself and when it is best.  No one knows that but you!