Real Talk

Hi friends.  Gosh, I have been busy since coming home from the beach!  Can I go back?  This momma needs a nap!

Just a few things on my mind lately:

I miss him....more and more every single day.

My blog has had over 17,000 hits.  I am humbled and quite literally speechless.

I still have trouble looking at pictures.  Sometimes I can without crying, then there are days that I just have to pass them by and look the other way.

I came home from the beach with a little bit of peace that I can do this.  I am starting to feel the "peace that surpasses all understanding".  (Philippians 4:7)  I really cannot explain it, but maybe, just maybe, the healing process is beginning.  Maybe, just a little.

I need to clean out his stuff.  I have not been able to do that yet.  They say do it in your own time.  So, we will see.

I still wear my rings.  I cannot bear the thought of taking them off right now.

I dread the upcoming holidays like the plague.  I mean, dread.  Like, literally want to fast forward to January with all my might.  I have to keep things the same for Brenna.  I have to.  I have to.  We have to continue to do the same things we did when we had Jamey with us.  She deserves that and he would want that.

On a brighter note, I got a huge jump start on my Christmas shopping.  Three months from today.  Are you an early shopper?

I had counseling on Monday, bright and early at 8am.  We talked about parenting because I was just too tired to get deep.  One of the things that stuck out to me was when the counselor said Brenna will always remember Jamey and Michelle like they hung the moon.  They did everything perfectly, were the perfect role models, never did anything wrong, and knew more than anyone else in the world.  She will remember that always because that is how she felt when they were taken away from her.  They hung the moon in her mind at the age of 8 when she lost Michelle and the age 11 when she lost Jamey.  I found that interesting when the counselor explained it from Brenna's perspective.  I have not had any issues with my sweet Brenna, but just something that came up in conversation and totally see how her mind would think that.  Now that she is 12, she will see that I am not perfect, did not hang the moon, and make mistakes daily.  Pray for me during the pre-teen and teenage years!  Thank the Lord she is an amazing child!

Brenna is doing well in school and is in the middle of volleyball season.  I love how much she loves playing and the amazing teammates she gets the privilege to call friends.  We have an awesome group of girls at our school.  They love each other so much and are just so sweet.  I pray they will always be this close!

If you knew Jamey well, you know the man had taste.  I mean really, insane good taste.  I loved it!!!  He bought me some really nice things!  He also bought all of Brenna's clothes.  Every single piece.  I would fill in with a few things here and there, but he loved shopping for her, so I let him.  Up until now, I really never had to worry about shopping for her.  He always made sure she was fashionable and dressed appropriately. Well, now, she is outgrowing all of her clothes and I have to shop.  I cannot put it off any longer.  It doesn't sound hard, I am a female and try to stay up on the trends, but I have always shopped for myself, not a 12 year old.  And I really don't like shopping.  Sounds crazy, I know, but here we are.  Brenna is not into clothes (yet) and could wear shorts and a t-shirt every single day if I would let her. But, there are times where shorts are not appropriate, so we have to shop! Just one more thing I need to overcome and get through...and shop!  Retail therapy, I suppose!

The sweet lady that found my message in a bottle is returning the letter to me!  That story still blows my mind.

I started a new bible study a few weeks ago that I really love.  We have to share our testimony in the class. I am a little nervous about it.  We also have Bible verses to memorize.  I love that!

I love that Brenna loves church and wants to go.

I love that it is starting to feel like fall.  Fall makes me miss him more.  And, it's football season.

I love football season!  So, I will leave you with this!  Jamey would be so proud.

Roll Tide, y'all!

Message in a Bottle

My week at the beach was simply amazing. I'm not sure I've ever been so lazy, and it was glorious!!  I slept in, napped, and stayed up a little late before starting all over again. Many days I was even too lazy to go to the beach. I just stayed in my pj's, relaxed, and enjoyed the view.

Two friends decided to go with me and I am so glad they did. I think I would have been too lonely without them.  They were really good to give me my space and understood the reason why I was there.

On Thursday, I needed a release. I decided to write a letter to Jamey to start the healing process.  I actually got the idea from Brenna.  Remember on Day 3 of her grief camp, she wrote a letter to Jamey and Michelle.  They attached the letter to balloons and released them during the "Memorial Service".  They watched the balloons with the letters attached as they started their journey to Heaven to be read.

I was not sure what I was going to write but wanted to at least try.  When I sat down to write the letter, all I could do was cry.  I could not get three words down without sobbing.  I said I wanted a release, and I think I got it.  I would write a few sentences and sob...

....and sob.

...and sob.

Eight pages later, I ended my letter.

I wrote many things about our 379 days together, how happy he made me, and how I do not understand why God took him from us so soon.  I can not help but continue to ask the Lord, "WHY".  But as I was writing, it gave me peace to know Jamey already knew all of these things.  We always told each other how we felt, how happy we made each other, how much we loved each other, and on and on.  He knew.

Every day, he knew.

And, Jamey already knows "why".

There was nothing in that letter that he has not heard himself.  I am so thankful for that.  It gives me such peace to know there was never a moment he did not know how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me.

Never.

As I continued to write, it felt good.  It felt like I was talking to him.  I knew that this would not be the only letter I wrote to him, and I said that.  I ended it with this was not "good-bye", but "see you later".

It was a good release and a starting place to heal.

So, I rolled up the letter, said a little prayer, and started putting it in the bottle.  Then, I thought....

what if someone found the message in a bottle???

So, I unrolled the letter and wrote, "If found, I pray you have an amazing marriage as I did."

I included my email address so IF the letter was found, I could be notified.  How cool would it be for someone to find the message in a bottle 20 years down the road and email me?!?!?!

My message in a bottle.....

I did not want to throw the bottle out to sea from where we were staying on the beach.  I thought the tide would wash it back ashore, so we went to a nearby marina, SanRoc Cay.  We walked out on the marina at sunset.  We did not plan this, but as we were standing there, I realized this was 'our' time of the day.  Jamey and I loved watching a beautiful sunset.  It was perfect.

Then, I said a little prayer and threw the bottle.  I had no idea where it would end up, but I just 'released'.

See!!  Perfect time of day!

Such a peaceful site.

After we watched the bottle float, I shed a few tears, we left.  I left with a feeling of peace and hoped this was my start to healing.

But, the story does not end there......

The next morning we pulled ourselves out of bed, packed the car, and started our drive home.  We were about an hour or so outside of town when I checked my email.

MY MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE WAS FOUND!!!!

I screamed!!!!

I absolutely, in a million years, never dreamed my bottle would be found, much less this soon.

NEVER!

Isn't that crazy!

I received an email from a sweet lady named, Sue.  She said she found my message in a bottle!

She said she was at her son's home on Ono Island in Orange Beach.  She was walking down to his boat house to see how many shells had washed up overnight.  She then saw a bottle that looked like it had a note in it.  She climbed down in the water to retrieve it, broke the bottle open, read the letter, and prayed for someone named Tippa.

God led me to a sister in Christ.  A sweet prayer warrior that we can never know too many of.

I 'friended' her on Facebook and saw this sweet post.

Her sweet daughter-in-law, Karen, saw Sue's post and shared it...

Later, Karen posted....

I am just in tears and overwhelmed by the outreach of prayers and notes I have received from this sweet, sweet family and their friends.  I shared with Sue and Karen that I never dreamed anyone would find the letter, and certainly not this soon.  Karen's response took my breath away.  She said "God didn't want you to wait another minute to receive these messages and know others care about you and what you are going through."

So true.

I stand in awe of God's mercy and grace.  I have been lifted up in prayer by so many friends and stranger-friends that have helped carry me.  It leaves me speechless and amazed.  What an amazing God we serve.

My Grief Camp

I'm exhausted. 

I have been running full steam ahead for 4 months now. Not stopping to take care of me.  My adrenaline has allowed me to keep moving even when I needed stop. I needed to keep on going. I had to keep going. My heart wasn't ready to face reality of our future without my love. 

It still isn't.  

But now, I need a break. 

I need time to sleep when I want to, grieve when I want to, nap again when I want to, and just "be".  

God allowed all the pieces to fall into place so I could get away and not worry about Brenna or responsibilities at home. 

So, I'm at my happy place. 

My prayer for this week is that my start healing will start here. I'm really not sure what that means or how it's done. But, I'm opening my heart to really listen to what He has to say to me. 

I told Brenna I was going away for a week. I printed her schedule and went through all of her activities for the week. (By the way, her Nanny and Pappy are taking really good care of my girl.)  For her to understand why I'm getting away, I told her it was my form of grief camp. She was able to 'get' that. And, in many, many ways it is grief camp, just the adult version. 

I may need to find some cool crafts to do and bring home to her. 

So, friends, I ask you to please pray for me this week as I seek to really listen to Him, start the healing process, and find some peace and comfort. 

3 Years Ago....

Jamey and I used to mark special days.  I kept all of those days in my calendar....our first date, our first kiss, etc etc etc.  We counted days....one month anniversary, two month anniversary, etc etc etc.  I even named this blog based on the number of days we were married.  

It sounds weird and cheesy, but it was something fun we did.  I really don't know why.  We just started doing it and acknowledging all these little dates and anniversaries and holding them special.  He would sometimes send me flowers on these special days, just because.  We always celebrated the little things.

I am forever grateful that we did.

Today marks one of those days.  Another first without him.

Three years ago today, my life changed.  I met a man for lunch who would later become my husband.  I remember that day so vividly.  We were both so nervous.  The butterflies in my stomach grew more and more as the lunch progressed and I knew this guy was different.  Jamey said he felt it too.  I have written before (click here) that I had my running shoes on for months because I thought he was too good to be true. 

I remember talking about Jamey to my friend, Gail, shortly after we met.  I was telling her about my running shoes and how I just wasn't sure.  She said this to me that I have recounted over and over in my head since Jamey went to be with Jesus.  She said, "The Lord must have something huge planned for you and Jamey because the devil is fighting so hard to keep you away."

Wow.

Can I get an Amen!?!

I never EVER would have imagined the plan He had in store for us.

Ever.

As I was having a 'moment' this morning while getting dressed for work and praying the Lord would give me strength to make it through today, it hit me....  

Time is so so precious.  

Time....

Seconds, minutes, hours....precious time.  Time you can never get back.  

Time you should never waste.

We counted the days we had together because our time together would be cut very short.  Those 379 days we were married were so precious.  

Time.  

You can't get it back.  

So precious.  So short.  

My sweet friend, Kim, sent me a text this morning to check in on me.  I told her what today was and her text back helped me keep things in perspective.

She said today marks the day a great love was kindled and a beautiful relationship began.  And because of today, Brenna has a mommy!  And many other friendships and relationships have been spawned because of this day three years ago.  

So, so true.  

Some days the fog is so thick I cannot see through it.  Some days, it lifts just enough to bring some perspective.  But, when the fog is thick, God always sends me friends to guide me through it.  

I am forever thankful for all the friends God sends my way.  There are far too many to list here.  I am forever blessed and grateful for the relationships and friendships that help guide me through the fog.  

And help me get through days like this....

His Mark

When the funeral home asked me if I wanted necklaces made of Jamey's thumbprint, I said yes.

To be honest, I had no idea what the guy was talking about.  At that particular moment in time, I probably said yes to many things because the fog I was walking through was so thick and so dense and my heart was so heavy.  I was only going through the motions.  In the days after Jamey went to be with Jesus, I remember my sweet friend, Teresa, making me daily lists of things that we needed to do.  I could not think clearly, make any decisions, or even finish my sentences.

I had forgotten about the necklaces.  When the funeral home called me about a month ago to tell me they were in, I had to ask what they were.  Then, I remembered.  His thumbprint.

Jamey's thumbprint.

Something tangible I could touch, feel, rub, kiss.  Something tangible that will forever be with me.

Sometimes I just rub it, just to feel a part of him again.  I long to be able to hold his hand, rub his arm, and see that sweet smile.

Jamey left his mark on many who knew him.  If I could only share every story that has been told me to me.  Stories about how much Jamey meant to them, what an impact he had on their life, how he brought them to Jesus, and how special he was.  The stories are many.

When I was thinking about Jamey's thumbprint, I was reminded of the Footprint Prayer.  If you have not read it before, please take a moment to read.

The Footprints Prayer

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.

Jesus has been carrying me for the past 108 days since Jamey went to his Heavenly Home.  When people say to me that they do not know how I am making it, my response has always been, "Jesus".  He is the one carrying me through this journey.

There is no other explanation than that.

Jesus.

Sweet Jesus.

I could not get out of bed every day if it were not Jesus physically pulling me up.  He is who carries me.  Every.Single.Day.

I would love to hear how Jamey made an impact on your life.  I would like for Brenna to have a collection of stories to read one day to know what an incredible man Jamey was.  Would you consider sharing those stories and memories with me?  You can email me or leave a comment here.  (tippafeltman@gmail.com).

6th Grade

Brenna started 6th grade on August 8th.  I cannot believe summer is over and we are starting school. Where did June and July go?

Brenna loves school and enjoys being with her friends.  As an only child, this is her outlet to socialize and play....and you know, learn some things in the process.  We are so blessed to be apart of an amazing school and extended family.

This picture shocks the pants off me.  Look at the difference.  I cannot stop looking at it!  Where did her baby face go?

The start of school was very difficult on me.  Maybe one of the worst days yet.  Jamey was such a huge part of her (our) life and with school starting, his absence was everywhere I looked.  He wasn't there to share in the excitement of a new year, to shop for school supplies, uniforms and shoes, walk her in the first day, meet the teachers, and on and on and on.  

But, I felt him there as I walked Brenna to her class.  I felt him stand by my side as I kissed her bye and wished her a good day.  He was holding me up as I walked out of the school doors and led me straight into the open arms of a dear friend.  This friend was standing right where I needed her when I stepped outside those doors.  Another friend raced to me in the parking lot with open arms as well, knowing I just needed a big hug.  I am forever grateful for those hugs right when I needed them, Paige and Brooke.  God led me straight into your path and I needed you.  

Happy 6th grade, sweet Brenna!  I am praying for an amazing year.  

It's Birthday Week!!

It has been birthday week for us!  We are celebrating Brenna!  I will be back with updates soon!

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl!