Real Talk

Hi friends.  Gosh, I have been busy since coming home from the beach!  Can I go back?  This momma needs a nap!

Just a few things on my mind lately:

I miss him....more and more every single day.

My blog has had over 17,000 hits.  I am humbled and quite literally speechless.

I still have trouble looking at pictures.  Sometimes I can without crying, then there are days that I just have to pass them by and look the other way.

I came home from the beach with a little bit of peace that I can do this.  I am starting to feel the "peace that surpasses all understanding".  (Philippians 4:7)  I really cannot explain it, but maybe, just maybe, the healing process is beginning.  Maybe, just a little.

I need to clean out his stuff.  I have not been able to do that yet.  They say do it in your own time.  So, we will see.

I still wear my rings.  I cannot bear the thought of taking them off right now.

I dread the upcoming holidays like the plague.  I mean, dread.  Like, literally want to fast forward to January with all my might.  I have to keep things the same for Brenna.  I have to.  I have to.  We have to continue to do the same things we did when we had Jamey with us.  She deserves that and he would want that.

On a brighter note, I got a huge jump start on my Christmas shopping.  Three months from today.  Are you an early shopper?

I had counseling on Monday, bright and early at 8am.  We talked about parenting because I was just too tired to get deep.  One of the things that stuck out to me was when the counselor said Brenna will always remember Jamey and Michelle like they hung the moon.  They did everything perfectly, were the perfect role models, never did anything wrong, and knew more than anyone else in the world.  She will remember that always because that is how she felt when they were taken away from her.  They hung the moon in her mind at the age of 8 when she lost Michelle and the age 11 when she lost Jamey.  I found that interesting when the counselor explained it from Brenna's perspective.  I have not had any issues with my sweet Brenna, but just something that came up in conversation and totally see how her mind would think that.  Now that she is 12, she will see that I am not perfect, did not hang the moon, and make mistakes daily.  Pray for me during the pre-teen and teenage years!  Thank the Lord she is an amazing child!

Brenna is doing well in school and is in the middle of volleyball season.  I love how much she loves playing and the amazing teammates she gets the privilege to call friends.  We have an awesome group of girls at our school.  They love each other so much and are just so sweet.  I pray they will always be this close!

If you knew Jamey well, you know the man had taste.  I mean really, insane good taste.  I loved it!!!  He bought me some really nice things!  He also bought all of Brenna's clothes.  Every single piece.  I would fill in with a few things here and there, but he loved shopping for her, so I let him.  Up until now, I really never had to worry about shopping for her.  He always made sure she was fashionable and dressed appropriately. Well, now, she is outgrowing all of her clothes and I have to shop.  I cannot put it off any longer.  It doesn't sound hard, I am a female and try to stay up on the trends, but I have always shopped for myself, not a 12 year old.  And I really don't like shopping.  Sounds crazy, I know, but here we are.  Brenna is not into clothes (yet) and could wear shorts and a t-shirt every single day if I would let her. But, there are times where shorts are not appropriate, so we have to shop! Just one more thing I need to overcome and get through...and shop!  Retail therapy, I suppose!

The sweet lady that found my message in a bottle is returning the letter to me!  That story still blows my mind.

I started a new bible study a few weeks ago that I really love.  We have to share our testimony in the class. I am a little nervous about it.  We also have Bible verses to memorize.  I love that!

I love that Brenna loves church and wants to go.

I love that it is starting to feel like fall.  Fall makes me miss him more.  And, it's football season.

I love football season!  So, I will leave you with this!  Jamey would be so proud.

Roll Tide, y'all!

Message in a Bottle

My week at the beach was simply amazing. I'm not sure I've ever been so lazy, and it was glorious!!  I slept in, napped, and stayed up a little late before starting all over again. Many days I was even too lazy to go to the beach. I just stayed in my pj's, relaxed, and enjoyed the view.

Two friends decided to go with me and I am so glad they did. I think I would have been too lonely without them.  They were really good to give me my space and understood the reason why I was there.

On Thursday, I needed a release. I decided to write a letter to Jamey to start the healing process.  I actually got the idea from Brenna.  Remember on Day 3 of her grief camp, she wrote a letter to Jamey and Michelle.  They attached the letter to balloons and released them during the "Memorial Service".  They watched the balloons with the letters attached as they started their journey to Heaven to be read.

I was not sure what I was going to write but wanted to at least try.  When I sat down to write the letter, all I could do was cry.  I could not get three words down without sobbing.  I said I wanted a release, and I think I got it.  I would write a few sentences and sob...

....and sob.

...and sob.

Eight pages later, I ended my letter.

I wrote many things about our 379 days together, how happy he made me, and how I do not understand why God took him from us so soon.  I can not help but continue to ask the Lord, "WHY".  But as I was writing, it gave me peace to know Jamey already knew all of these things.  We always told each other how we felt, how happy we made each other, how much we loved each other, and on and on.  He knew.

Every day, he knew.

And, Jamey already knows "why".

There was nothing in that letter that he has not heard himself.  I am so thankful for that.  It gives me such peace to know there was never a moment he did not know how much I loved him and I knew how much he loved me.

Never.

As I continued to write, it felt good.  It felt like I was talking to him.  I knew that this would not be the only letter I wrote to him, and I said that.  I ended it with this was not "good-bye", but "see you later".

It was a good release and a starting place to heal.

So, I rolled up the letter, said a little prayer, and started putting it in the bottle.  Then, I thought....

what if someone found the message in a bottle???

So, I unrolled the letter and wrote, "If found, I pray you have an amazing marriage as I did."

I included my email address so IF the letter was found, I could be notified.  How cool would it be for someone to find the message in a bottle 20 years down the road and email me?!?!?!

My message in a bottle.....

I did not want to throw the bottle out to sea from where we were staying on the beach.  I thought the tide would wash it back ashore, so we went to a nearby marina, SanRoc Cay.  We walked out on the marina at sunset.  We did not plan this, but as we were standing there, I realized this was 'our' time of the day.  Jamey and I loved watching a beautiful sunset.  It was perfect.

Then, I said a little prayer and threw the bottle.  I had no idea where it would end up, but I just 'released'.

See!!  Perfect time of day!

Such a peaceful site.

After we watched the bottle float, I shed a few tears, we left.  I left with a feeling of peace and hoped this was my start to healing.

But, the story does not end there......

The next morning we pulled ourselves out of bed, packed the car, and started our drive home.  We were about an hour or so outside of town when I checked my email.

MY MESSAGE IN A BOTTLE WAS FOUND!!!!

I screamed!!!!

I absolutely, in a million years, never dreamed my bottle would be found, much less this soon.

NEVER!

Isn't that crazy!

I received an email from a sweet lady named, Sue.  She said she found my message in a bottle!

She said she was at her son's home on Ono Island in Orange Beach.  She was walking down to his boat house to see how many shells had washed up overnight.  She then saw a bottle that looked like it had a note in it.  She climbed down in the water to retrieve it, broke the bottle open, read the letter, and prayed for someone named Tippa.

God led me to a sister in Christ.  A sweet prayer warrior that we can never know too many of.

I 'friended' her on Facebook and saw this sweet post.

Her sweet daughter-in-law, Karen, saw Sue's post and shared it...

Later, Karen posted....

I am just in tears and overwhelmed by the outreach of prayers and notes I have received from this sweet, sweet family and their friends.  I shared with Sue and Karen that I never dreamed anyone would find the letter, and certainly not this soon.  Karen's response took my breath away.  She said "God didn't want you to wait another minute to receive these messages and know others care about you and what you are going through."

So true.

I stand in awe of God's mercy and grace.  I have been lifted up in prayer by so many friends and stranger-friends that have helped carry me.  It leaves me speechless and amazed.  What an amazing God we serve.

My Grief Camp

I'm exhausted. 

I have been running full steam ahead for 4 months now. Not stopping to take care of me.  My adrenaline has allowed me to keep moving even when I needed stop. I needed to keep on going. I had to keep going. My heart wasn't ready to face reality of our future without my love. 

It still isn't.  

But now, I need a break. 

I need time to sleep when I want to, grieve when I want to, nap again when I want to, and just "be".  

God allowed all the pieces to fall into place so I could get away and not worry about Brenna or responsibilities at home. 

So, I'm at my happy place. 

My prayer for this week is that my start healing will start here. I'm really not sure what that means or how it's done. But, I'm opening my heart to really listen to what He has to say to me. 

I told Brenna I was going away for a week. I printed her schedule and went through all of her activities for the week. (By the way, her Nanny and Pappy are taking really good care of my girl.)  For her to understand why I'm getting away, I told her it was my form of grief camp. She was able to 'get' that. And, in many, many ways it is grief camp, just the adult version. 

I may need to find some cool crafts to do and bring home to her. 

So, friends, I ask you to please pray for me this week as I seek to really listen to Him, start the healing process, and find some peace and comfort.