3 Years Ago....

Jamey and I used to mark special days.  I kept all of those days in my calendar....our first date, our first kiss, etc etc etc.  We counted days....one month anniversary, two month anniversary, etc etc etc.  I even named this blog based on the number of days we were married.  

It sounds weird and cheesy, but it was something fun we did.  I really don't know why.  We just started doing it and acknowledging all these little dates and anniversaries and holding them special.  He would sometimes send me flowers on these special days, just because.  We always celebrated the little things.

I am forever grateful that we did.

Today marks one of those days.  Another first without him.

Three years ago today, my life changed.  I met a man for lunch who would later become my husband.  I remember that day so vividly.  We were both so nervous.  The butterflies in my stomach grew more and more as the lunch progressed and I knew this guy was different.  Jamey said he felt it too.  I have written before (click here) that I had my running shoes on for months because I thought he was too good to be true. 

I remember talking about Jamey to my friend, Gail, shortly after we met.  I was telling her about my running shoes and how I just wasn't sure.  She said this to me that I have recounted over and over in my head since Jamey went to be with Jesus.  She said, "The Lord must have something huge planned for you and Jamey because the devil is fighting so hard to keep you away."

Wow.

Can I get an Amen!?!

I never EVER would have imagined the plan He had in store for us.

Ever.

As I was having a 'moment' this morning while getting dressed for work and praying the Lord would give me strength to make it through today, it hit me....  

Time is so so precious.  

Time....

Seconds, minutes, hours....precious time.  Time you can never get back.  

Time you should never waste.

We counted the days we had together because our time together would be cut very short.  Those 379 days we were married were so precious.  

Time.  

You can't get it back.  

So precious.  So short.  

My sweet friend, Kim, sent me a text this morning to check in on me.  I told her what today was and her text back helped me keep things in perspective.

She said today marks the day a great love was kindled and a beautiful relationship began.  And because of today, Brenna has a mommy!  And many other friendships and relationships have been spawned because of this day three years ago.  

So, so true.  

Some days the fog is so thick I cannot see through it.  Some days, it lifts just enough to bring some perspective.  But, when the fog is thick, God always sends me friends to guide me through it.  

I am forever thankful for all the friends God sends my way.  There are far too many to list here.  I am forever blessed and grateful for the relationships and friendships that help guide me through the fog.  

And help me get through days like this....

His Mark

When the funeral home asked me if I wanted necklaces made of Jamey's thumbprint, I said yes.

To be honest, I had no idea what the guy was talking about.  At that particular moment in time, I probably said yes to many things because the fog I was walking through was so thick and so dense and my heart was so heavy.  I was only going through the motions.  In the days after Jamey went to be with Jesus, I remember my sweet friend, Teresa, making me daily lists of things that we needed to do.  I could not think clearly, make any decisions, or even finish my sentences.

I had forgotten about the necklaces.  When the funeral home called me about a month ago to tell me they were in, I had to ask what they were.  Then, I remembered.  His thumbprint.

Jamey's thumbprint.

Something tangible I could touch, feel, rub, kiss.  Something tangible that will forever be with me.

Sometimes I just rub it, just to feel a part of him again.  I long to be able to hold his hand, rub his arm, and see that sweet smile.

Jamey left his mark on many who knew him.  If I could only share every story that has been told me to me.  Stories about how much Jamey meant to them, what an impact he had on their life, how he brought them to Jesus, and how special he was.  The stories are many.

When I was thinking about Jamey's thumbprint, I was reminded of the Footprint Prayer.  If you have not read it before, please take a moment to read.

The Footprints Prayer

One night I had a dream...

I dreamed I was walking along the beach with the Lord, and Across the sky flashed scenes from my life. For each scene I noticed two sets of footprints in the sand; One belonged to me, and the other to the Lord. When the last scene of my life flashed before us, I looked back at the footprints in the sand. I noticed that many times along the path of my life, There was only one set of footprints.

I also noticed that it happened at the very lowest and saddest times in my life This really bothered me, and I questioned the Lord about it. "Lord, you said that once I decided to follow you, You would walk with me all the way; But I have noticed that during the most troublesome times in my life, There is only one set of footprints. I don't understand why in times when I needed you the most, you should leave me.

The Lord replied, "My precious, precious child. I love you, and I would never, never leave you during your times of trial and suffering. When you saw only one set of footprints, It was then that I carried you.

Jesus has been carrying me for the past 108 days since Jamey went to his Heavenly Home.  When people say to me that they do not know how I am making it, my response has always been, "Jesus".  He is the one carrying me through this journey.

There is no other explanation than that.

Jesus.

Sweet Jesus.

I could not get out of bed every day if it were not Jesus physically pulling me up.  He is who carries me.  Every.Single.Day.

I would love to hear how Jamey made an impact on your life.  I would like for Brenna to have a collection of stories to read one day to know what an incredible man Jamey was.  Would you consider sharing those stories and memories with me?  You can email me or leave a comment here.  (tippafeltman@gmail.com).

6th Grade

Brenna started 6th grade on August 8th.  I cannot believe summer is over and we are starting school. Where did June and July go?

Brenna loves school and enjoys being with her friends.  As an only child, this is her outlet to socialize and play....and you know, learn some things in the process.  We are so blessed to be apart of an amazing school and extended family.

This picture shocks the pants off me.  Look at the difference.  I cannot stop looking at it!  Where did her baby face go?

The start of school was very difficult on me.  Maybe one of the worst days yet.  Jamey was such a huge part of her (our) life and with school starting, his absence was everywhere I looked.  He wasn't there to share in the excitement of a new year, to shop for school supplies, uniforms and shoes, walk her in the first day, meet the teachers, and on and on and on.  

But, I felt him there as I walked Brenna to her class.  I felt him stand by my side as I kissed her bye and wished her a good day.  He was holding me up as I walked out of the school doors and led me straight into the open arms of a dear friend.  This friend was standing right where I needed her when I stepped outside those doors.  Another friend raced to me in the parking lot with open arms as well, knowing I just needed a big hug.  I am forever grateful for those hugs right when I needed them, Paige and Brooke.  God led me straight into your path and I needed you.  

Happy 6th grade, sweet Brenna!  I am praying for an amazing year.  

It's Birthday Week!!

It has been birthday week for us!  We are celebrating Brenna!  I will be back with updates soon!

Happy Birthday, my sweet girl!

Real Talk

I cannot seem to think clearly these days.  My head is spinning and I feel so out of control.  Writing helps me clear my mind, so here we go....

Brenna's birthday is this week (Thursday).  I am having trouble wrapping my head around the fact that her daddy is not here to share it with her.

Reality stinks.  Big time.

School starts next week (August 8th).  Another first that I am not ready for.

I have ZERO energy and my ability to focus at work is nonexistent.  I am mentally exhausted.

Flashbacks of  May 5th haunt me daily.

I thank God daily for friends and family that help me and Brenna every day.  I cannot imagine doing this alone.

I have so much on my mind that I have to write a list that includes, stop for lunch.

Each day gets harder, not easier.

I am a very very patient person, but not these days.  I feel like I will snap at any moment.  Beware!

I cannot help but think of football season coming up.  Oh how my love was an Alabama fan.  We were planning on attending the season opener with our friends, the Lawson's.  It hurts my soul that we will not be there.  Jamey LOVED the Crimson Tide.

A new friend who lost her husband a week before Jamey passed posted on Facebook the other day that she missed the little things like sitting in the passenger seat.  Oh how true that is.  Jamey drove us everywhere.  A true southern gentleman.  Opened my car door, pumped my gas, the list could go on and on.

I am currently reading a book a friend sent to me.  It is titled Flat Cats & Fried Chicken.  Love the name!!  It is written by Holly Chapa.  She lost her husband suddenly in 2005 and the book tells her story and her journey of faith.  It really blessed me this weekend!  Thanks, Christina!

I feel like the devil is attacking me.  Something that I read in the book I talked about above said it perfectly...."The only authority the devil has in your life is the authority that you give him.  If you're looking the enemy in the face, it's because you took your foot off his head."  Well said!!

I know God will bring me through this.  I know it.  I have to live these hard days to make it to the other side of grief.  I know it.  I don't like it, but I realize it is part of the journey.

I am continuing to praise Him in this storm.

Camp Good Grief - Day 3

Wednesday was the final day of camp.  I am sad for it to be over and I know Brenna had a great time.  She got to meet a lot of new friends and have a lot of fun over the course of three days!

Schedule for Day 3 included:

*  Bus ride back to the camp site
*  Small group grief sessions
*  Canoeing/arts and crafts/water games
*  More small group grief sessions
*  Memorial Service (more on that in a minute)
*  Swimming
*  Parent/Guardian/Family Program

Day 3 was loaded with lots of fun, and lots of memory time as well.  I was able to attend the parent program that was held in the afternoon.  I got to see the things they worked on and focused on during the three days. They learned it was ok to be mad, angry, sad, and cry because it is good for the soul.

I needed to hear this!

They sang a song that was really cute.  It was to the tune of "Do Ya Love Me?" (Think the movie, Dirty Dancing), but changed to be Camp Good Grief style).

Some of the lyrics included:

Do ya love me?  (I can really move.)  Do ya love me?  (I'm in the groove.) Do ya love me?  (Do ya love me?) Now that I can grieve.  Watch me now.

(Work, work!)  Gotta work it out baby.  (Work, work!) or it'll drive you crazy.
(Work, work!)  With all your heart and soul, now work.

It's ok to be angry (I am throw potatoes)
But don't lose control (Don't use your fist)
I can cry if I want to (Tell me baby!)
Cause it's good for the soul (Can you grieve like this?)

(Work, work!)  Gotta work it out baby.  (Work, work!) or it'll drive you crazy.
(Work, work!)  With all your heart and soul, now work.

I can write it in a letter.  (I can write it in a poem.)
I can sing it in a song.  (In a song like this.)
I can tell it to a friend.  (Tell me baby.)
Talk all night long.  (Can you grieve like this?)
Tell me, tell me, tell me.  Yeah!

The whole group singing it was so cute and the lyrics are so true.

Memorial Service
I had to ask Brenna to tell me about the memorial service.  She was not forthcoming about it, but did talk about it when I asked what it was about.  She said that she got to write a letter to her mom and dad.  She rolled it up, attached it to a yellow balloon, and released it off to Heaven for them to read.

Tears.

The purpose of this activity is to give the kids closure.  Many of them, like Brenna, did not get an opportunity to tell their loved one good-bye.  Their death was so sudden and unexpected.  This gives them an opportunity to tell them what they want to tell them and send it off to Heaven for them to hear.  Only the campers and their counselors were present at this service.  No parents were allowed.  This gave the kids a chance to do it in their own way.

What a memory.

There are many, many things that I have learned through this experience.  What a blessing.  I am sure that it was harder for me than it was for her, but I believe that it was the perfect camp for her.

I promised pictures....so here ya go:

She got to create a memory box and decorate it with "Always remember to..." stickers

YES HE WAS!

This is her kaleidoscope....

I just remembered I did not take a picture of her Dream Catcher.  I will try to remember that and post.

What an amazing experience she had at Camp Good Grief.  I am not sure if this is available in your area, but if ever in need, please look to see.  It is a wonderful way to help kids learn to grieve the right way.  I pray that Brenna is on a path to healing.  She will continue with counseling and will continue to see the amazing staff at the Center for Good Grief.  I am forever thankful for the opportunity she was given to attend such an amazing camp.

God bless this organization!

Camp Good Grief - Day 2

Brenna loved Day 2 of Camp Good Grief.  She had another busy schedule which included:

*  Charter bus back to the camp site
*  Snacks, music activity
*  Art Activity - Kaleidoscopes (More on that in a minute)
*  Water games
*  Small group grief session
*  More music and art
*  Swimming
*  Carnival time
*  Closed with a camp closing music activity

When I picked her up, she had a mustache painted on her face!  Hilarious!  Carnival time must have been pretty fun!

Day 2's grief goal was remembering their loved one.  She had to take along pictures of her mom and daddy and share with the group.  They also made memory boxes.  She didn't tell me much about that, she said it was a surprise!!

Another activity today was kaleidoscopes.  From what I understand, kids were instructed to choose a different color for their feelings to build their kaleidoscopes.  Brenna said her feelings were happy, sad, and angry.

Mine too, sweet one, mine too.

So, she built her kaleidoscope based on those feelings and colors.  I will get to see it today.

She brought home her dream catcher and it was so cute!  She and her Pappy are finding the perfect spot to hang it up.

I promise to take and post pictures of all these little treasurers!

I get great feedback daily on how she is doing.  Everyone loves her so much and is so pleased with her participation, sharing and opening up (a weeee bit).  That makes my heart smile.

Today is the last day.  I will get to go to a closing session this afternoon, so I am excited about that.

But, since I do not have any pictures to share today, I want share this one I posted on Facebook on Sunday.  Brenna and her Pappy getting a pedicure!  It was Pappy's first time, so Brenna was showing him how it was done!  He will do anything for his girl....and he loved the pedicure!