In an Instant

This was a note Jamey left for me on Valentine's Day 2013.

Jamey and I were in love.  So, so in love.

We had a love that, in my opinion, only happens in fairy tales.  I knew that.  Jamey knew that.  We even talked about it.  We thanked God every day for that.  It was special.  So, so special.

I am not a marriage expert.  Far from it.  We were married for 379 days and Jamey was my first husband.  We had experiences under our belt and knew what we were looking for when we found each other.  Or should I say, when God brought us together.

We loved hard and deep.  We told each other over 100 times a day how much we loved each other.  We would write it in notes and leave around the house, in texts, in emails, after every single phone call, just riding on the car.  All.The.Time.  We told each other.

But, we showed our love not only in what we said, but in our actions.

We respected each other's feelings.  We respected each other's thoughts.  We helped each other.  We both knew how lucky we were and we both protected that love every day.

I cannot say it enough....

Husbands ---- Love your wives

Wives ----- Love your husbands

Tell them.  Show them.  Always.  EVERY.DAY.  ALL.DAY.

Don't let a moment go by because it could be your last.  Life can change in an instant.  In an INSTANT.  I am living, breathing proof of that.

The very last thing Jamey said to me before Jesus took him Home was that he loved me.

He said it.

I said it.

Three simple words....I LOVE YOU!

Moments later, Jesus took him Home.

It was that quick.

It was in an instant.

Grief is an ugly thing a times, but I constantly see Jamey's face before Jesus came.  He had a grin from ear to ear and we said we loved each other.

What a memory.

Thank you, Jesus, for that memory.  Such comfort it brings.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes in all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.  As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

Hands

Oh how I miss holding his hand.

Jamey never let go of my hand.  We held hands all the time.  ALL.THE.TIME.  It just came naturally to us.  It was our thing.  We held hands from the time we first started dating and never let go.  In the car, sitting on the couch, walking in the neighborhood, walking into Target.  Everywhere.  Friends would say, "Oh they are just newlyweds".  But, that was not true.  I believe we would have still been holding hands sitting on the front porch in our rocking chairs at the age of 95.  That was him. That was us. 

He never let go.

I never let go.

Today, I pray for the people who do not know the Lord and have His hand to hold when life takes a dramatic, unexpected turn.  He has my hand, guiding me through the long, hard, emotion-filled days. God never lets go. I cannot imagine going through an incredible heartache without Him and having the comfort and hope that only He can bring.

Do not fear, for I am with you; don't be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

God Speaks

God speaks.  He spoke to me today.  I had to go by the funeral home to pick up some things they had made for us.  As I was leaving the parking lot, He spoke to me.  

It was so loud.  

So clear. 

What He told me gave me peace.  It gave me so much comfort.  He told me He brought me and Jamey together for a reason.  His reason.

HE did it.  

Now, I know that is not news to anyone who knows our story.  Everyone says it.  I have said it to myself (and to others) a thousand times.  But, today...HE told me.  He told me He brought us together so that I could help raise Brenna.  He told me how happy Jamey was over the past couple of years.  He reminded me of all the things Jamey taught me about myself, to believe in myself, how special I was, etc. HE told me.

He told me I was going to be ok.  I was going to make it through this.  

He is going to take care of me.

This was part of His plan.  

He told me....and it was loud and clear.

I spent the entire afternoon in a state of awe.  Does that make sense??  God has spoken to me many times.  Sometimes in a whisper.  Sometimes through others.  But today....HE spoke to me.  So loud.  So clear.

Yes, I am repeating myself.  I know.  I cannot even make complete sentences, it is so surreal.  

God speaks.  Do you listen?

Sweet Jesus, thank you for speaking to me today, and for allowing me to listen.

Real Talk

Today, I am letting the Holy Spirit guide my hands and see where he leads me.

Grief stinks.  It is awful.  Terrible.  Hurts so bad.  It can hit you where you least expect it.  I did pretty good at the beach for the most part.  Until our last night there.  We took the kids to a place to ride rides, bumper cars, bumper boats, etc.  We walked up, I was fine, then all of a sudden I was overcome with grief and the tears started flowing.  For no reason at all, I was bawling sitting watching Brenna and the rest of the crew ride bumper cars.  Ugh

Reality stinks.  Sometimes I just let my mind think that Jamey is away on a business trip and he will be back soon.  I know that is probably not healthy, but it gives me relief from the pain at times.

I am starting to think about cleaning out his 'stuff'.  I dread the thought but know it is time.  He would not want me to dwell on this task.  He would want me to just get it done.  I am going to have a memory quilt made out of his shirts for Brenna.  I think she will like that.  Jamey had a lot of clothes.  He owned more button down shirts than any man I know.  And, not cheap ones either.  This quilt will be one expensive quilt with all of these shirts.  We used to always laugh at how many he owned.  And, they were always pressed perfectly.

Speaking of pressed., I ironed for the first time before we left for the beach.  I have not ironed in over a year.  Jamey ironed every single piece of clothing for all of us.  Every. Piece.  He said he liked it.  He never, ever let Brenna go out of the house wrinkled.  If he traveled, he would iron all of Brenna's clothes for the week before he left.  I laughed at him once and told him I could take care of that.  I promised him I would never let her leave the house wrinkled.  I am not sure he believed me!  I will never be able to iron as precisely as he did, but I will do my best.

I still cannot believe that he is gone.

I am still in shock.

They say time heals....I am still waiting on that.

Brenna is leaving for Alabama on Sunday to spend some time with family and friends.  Our empty house scares me.

I am exhausted.  I think I have been running on adrenaline over the past month and a half and it is catching up with me.

Brenna's birthday is coming up.....how are we going to do this without her daddy?

I am back at work and it is helping.  I did not want to come back, but I had to.  I fought it tooth and nail.  Work gives me a place to go every day, a place of security, and a place to be around people who love and support me. For that, I am thankful.

I run into people all the time and they say I look great and look like I am doing so well.  Some days it is a total front.  I may look decent on the outside, but I am torn apart on the inside.  Prayers are keeping me standing every day.  Please continue to pray for my family.

I love speaking to Jamey's friends and hearing memories and stories.  I spoke with one last night.  So special.  His 20th class reunion is coming up.  He was so excited to attend and see everyone.  Brenna and I have been invited and I want to attend, but I am not sure I can do it.  I am going to try, but just not sure.

Sometimes, reality just stinks.

Are you all living out Jamey's challenge?  Who have you told you love them today?

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Psalm 105:4

Father's Day

I'm not going to lie, today was tough. I have been dreading it for weeks. Being a dad was Jamey's pride and joy. He loved Brenna with every ounce of his being. He would move heaven and earth for that child. She had him wrapped around her little pinky and he loved every minute of it. Every. Single. Minute.

I have been trying for the past few weeks to think of something special to do to honor him. In my family, we have always attended the Glover family reunion on Father's Day. It's a big deal and has been going on for over 65 years. So, that is what we did.  It was a good day with lots of family, tears, and good food. Jamey loved attending over the past few years. He fit right in and everyone loved him. 

This was us last Father's Day...

Oh he loved this little girl...

I tried for the past few days to ask Brenna how she would like to honor her daddy on Father's Day. Every time I would try to ask her, I would get a ginormous lump in my throat and start crying. I just couldn't get it out. I tried and tried, but just couldn't ask her. It hit me this morning that we honor him every day and not just on this one day of the year. We talk about him, share memories, cry, and laugh about things he would have done. In my opinion, that is the way it should be. Honor him every day. So, once God put that on my heart, I released the need to come up with something specific and just honor him like we do every day. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders in that moment. 

We spent the day with family. This is mostly what she did all day....

Oh this girl loves her Pappy!!!!  She was stuck to him like glue and he loved every minute of it. 

After the reunion and after everyone left, I did want to do something we would do as a family pretty often, go to TCBY for dessert. We both got our favorite flavor and saluted one amazing man...

She told me exactly what flavor her daddy would have chosen and we did a little toast to him!  

It was a tough but good day!

I cannot end this without saying Happy Father's Day to my awesome daddy. He (and mom) made me the person I am today and I love him so much.  Thank you, Daddy, for everything you do for us. 

Bye Bye Destin

We are home from a great week at the beach. I will share more about our trip once I rest up, unpack, do some laundry, and make it through Father's Day.

With four kids, relaxing is near impossible.  But, we had a great time and so so grateful to have been invited to join the Ray's on this trip. It was good for my soul.

Above all, this is what I needed to see more than anything in the world....

That smile....

It's good for the soul.

The Beach

We decided at the last minute to take advantage of an invitation to go to the beach with special friends.  I'm a planner, so I don't do last minute very well, but this trip will be good for my (our) soul.

We are with the Ray's. There are 3 adults  and 4 kids staying in this amazing beach house. It's loud, crazy, and always eventful, but it fills my heart with smiles and maybe a headache or two!  One of the 5 year old twins came into my room this morning and said it was going to be an amazing day!  It sure is, sweet boy!

We've just arrived, spent a little time on the beach before the storm came rolling in. I can't wait to get back out there. 

These kids make me smile. 

We are off to shop and give these kids something to do while the rain comes down.

I'll Praise You in the Storm fills my head.