Real Talk

Today, I am letting the Holy Spirit guide my hands and see where he leads me.

Grief stinks.  It is awful.  Terrible.  Hurts so bad.  It can hit you where you least expect it.  I did pretty good at the beach for the most part.  Until our last night there.  We took the kids to a place to ride rides, bumper cars, bumper boats, etc.  We walked up, I was fine, then all of a sudden I was overcome with grief and the tears started flowing.  For no reason at all, I was bawling sitting watching Brenna and the rest of the crew ride bumper cars.  Ugh

Reality stinks.  Sometimes I just let my mind think that Jamey is away on a business trip and he will be back soon.  I know that is probably not healthy, but it gives me relief from the pain at times.

I am starting to think about cleaning out his 'stuff'.  I dread the thought but know it is time.  He would not want me to dwell on this task.  He would want me to just get it done.  I am going to have a memory quilt made out of his shirts for Brenna.  I think she will like that.  Jamey had a lot of clothes.  He owned more button down shirts than any man I know.  And, not cheap ones either.  This quilt will be one expensive quilt with all of these shirts.  We used to always laugh at how many he owned.  And, they were always pressed perfectly.

Speaking of pressed., I ironed for the first time before we left for the beach.  I have not ironed in over a year.  Jamey ironed every single piece of clothing for all of us.  Every. Piece.  He said he liked it.  He never, ever let Brenna go out of the house wrinkled.  If he traveled, he would iron all of Brenna's clothes for the week before he left.  I laughed at him once and told him I could take care of that.  I promised him I would never let her leave the house wrinkled.  I am not sure he believed me!  I will never be able to iron as precisely as he did, but I will do my best.

I still cannot believe that he is gone.

I am still in shock.

They say time heals....I am still waiting on that.

Brenna is leaving for Alabama on Sunday to spend some time with family and friends.  Our empty house scares me.

I am exhausted.  I think I have been running on adrenaline over the past month and a half and it is catching up with me.

Brenna's birthday is coming up.....how are we going to do this without her daddy?

I am back at work and it is helping.  I did not want to come back, but I had to.  I fought it tooth and nail.  Work gives me a place to go every day, a place of security, and a place to be around people who love and support me. For that, I am thankful.

I run into people all the time and they say I look great and look like I am doing so well.  Some days it is a total front.  I may look decent on the outside, but I am torn apart on the inside.  Prayers are keeping me standing every day.  Please continue to pray for my family.

I love speaking to Jamey's friends and hearing memories and stories.  I spoke with one last night.  So special.  His 20th class reunion is coming up.  He was so excited to attend and see everyone.  Brenna and I have been invited and I want to attend, but I am not sure I can do it.  I am going to try, but just not sure.

Sometimes, reality just stinks.

Are you all living out Jamey's challenge?  Who have you told you love them today?

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Psalm 105:4