In an Instant

This was a note Jamey left for me on Valentine's Day 2013.

Jamey and I were in love.  So, so in love.

We had a love that, in my opinion, only happens in fairy tales.  I knew that.  Jamey knew that.  We even talked about it.  We thanked God every day for that.  It was special.  So, so special.

I am not a marriage expert.  Far from it.  We were married for 379 days and Jamey was my first husband.  We had experiences under our belt and knew what we were looking for when we found each other.  Or should I say, when God brought us together.

We loved hard and deep.  We told each other over 100 times a day how much we loved each other.  We would write it in notes and leave around the house, in texts, in emails, after every single phone call, just riding on the car.  All.The.Time.  We told each other.

But, we showed our love not only in what we said, but in our actions.

We respected each other's feelings.  We respected each other's thoughts.  We helped each other.  We both knew how lucky we were and we both protected that love every day.

I cannot say it enough....

Husbands ---- Love your wives

Wives ----- Love your husbands

Tell them.  Show them.  Always.  EVERY.DAY.  ALL.DAY.

Don't let a moment go by because it could be your last.  Life can change in an instant.  In an INSTANT.  I am living, breathing proof of that.

The very last thing Jamey said to me before Jesus took him Home was that he loved me.

He said it.

I said it.

Three simple words....I LOVE YOU!

Moments later, Jesus took him Home.

It was that quick.

It was in an instant.

Grief is an ugly thing a times, but I constantly see Jamey's face before Jesus came.  He had a grin from ear to ear and we said we loved each other.

What a memory.

Thank you, Jesus, for that memory.  Such comfort it brings.

1 Corinthians 13:4-8
Love is patient and kind; love does not envy or boast; it is not arrogant or rude.  It does not insist on its own way; it is not irritable or resentful; it does not rejoice in wrongdoing, but rejoices with the truth.  Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes in all things, endures all things.  Love never ends.  As for prophecies, they will pass away; as for tongues, they will cease; as for knowledge, it will pass away.

Hands

Oh how I miss holding his hand.

Jamey never let go of my hand.  We held hands all the time.  ALL.THE.TIME.  It just came naturally to us.  It was our thing.  We held hands from the time we first started dating and never let go.  In the car, sitting on the couch, walking in the neighborhood, walking into Target.  Everywhere.  Friends would say, "Oh they are just newlyweds".  But, that was not true.  I believe we would have still been holding hands sitting on the front porch in our rocking chairs at the age of 95.  That was him. That was us. 

He never let go.

I never let go.

Today, I pray for the people who do not know the Lord and have His hand to hold when life takes a dramatic, unexpected turn.  He has my hand, guiding me through the long, hard, emotion-filled days. God never lets go. I cannot imagine going through an incredible heartache without Him and having the comfort and hope that only He can bring.

Do not fear, for I am with you; don't be dismayed, for I am your God.  I will strengthen you and help you; I will uphold you with my righteous right hand.  Isaiah 41:10

God Speaks

God speaks.  He spoke to me today.  I had to go by the funeral home to pick up some things they had made for us.  As I was leaving the parking lot, He spoke to me.  

It was so loud.  

So clear. 

What He told me gave me peace.  It gave me so much comfort.  He told me He brought me and Jamey together for a reason.  His reason.

HE did it.  

Now, I know that is not news to anyone who knows our story.  Everyone says it.  I have said it to myself (and to others) a thousand times.  But, today...HE told me.  He told me He brought us together so that I could help raise Brenna.  He told me how happy Jamey was over the past couple of years.  He reminded me of all the things Jamey taught me about myself, to believe in myself, how special I was, etc. HE told me.

He told me I was going to be ok.  I was going to make it through this.  

He is going to take care of me.

This was part of His plan.  

He told me....and it was loud and clear.

I spent the entire afternoon in a state of awe.  Does that make sense??  God has spoken to me many times.  Sometimes in a whisper.  Sometimes through others.  But today....HE spoke to me.  So loud.  So clear.

Yes, I am repeating myself.  I know.  I cannot even make complete sentences, it is so surreal.  

God speaks.  Do you listen?

Sweet Jesus, thank you for speaking to me today, and for allowing me to listen.

Real Talk

Today, I am letting the Holy Spirit guide my hands and see where he leads me.

Grief stinks.  It is awful.  Terrible.  Hurts so bad.  It can hit you where you least expect it.  I did pretty good at the beach for the most part.  Until our last night there.  We took the kids to a place to ride rides, bumper cars, bumper boats, etc.  We walked up, I was fine, then all of a sudden I was overcome with grief and the tears started flowing.  For no reason at all, I was bawling sitting watching Brenna and the rest of the crew ride bumper cars.  Ugh

Reality stinks.  Sometimes I just let my mind think that Jamey is away on a business trip and he will be back soon.  I know that is probably not healthy, but it gives me relief from the pain at times.

I am starting to think about cleaning out his 'stuff'.  I dread the thought but know it is time.  He would not want me to dwell on this task.  He would want me to just get it done.  I am going to have a memory quilt made out of his shirts for Brenna.  I think she will like that.  Jamey had a lot of clothes.  He owned more button down shirts than any man I know.  And, not cheap ones either.  This quilt will be one expensive quilt with all of these shirts.  We used to always laugh at how many he owned.  And, they were always pressed perfectly.

Speaking of pressed., I ironed for the first time before we left for the beach.  I have not ironed in over a year.  Jamey ironed every single piece of clothing for all of us.  Every. Piece.  He said he liked it.  He never, ever let Brenna go out of the house wrinkled.  If he traveled, he would iron all of Brenna's clothes for the week before he left.  I laughed at him once and told him I could take care of that.  I promised him I would never let her leave the house wrinkled.  I am not sure he believed me!  I will never be able to iron as precisely as he did, but I will do my best.

I still cannot believe that he is gone.

I am still in shock.

They say time heals....I am still waiting on that.

Brenna is leaving for Alabama on Sunday to spend some time with family and friends.  Our empty house scares me.

I am exhausted.  I think I have been running on adrenaline over the past month and a half and it is catching up with me.

Brenna's birthday is coming up.....how are we going to do this without her daddy?

I am back at work and it is helping.  I did not want to come back, but I had to.  I fought it tooth and nail.  Work gives me a place to go every day, a place of security, and a place to be around people who love and support me. For that, I am thankful.

I run into people all the time and they say I look great and look like I am doing so well.  Some days it is a total front.  I may look decent on the outside, but I am torn apart on the inside.  Prayers are keeping me standing every day.  Please continue to pray for my family.

I love speaking to Jamey's friends and hearing memories and stories.  I spoke with one last night.  So special.  His 20th class reunion is coming up.  He was so excited to attend and see everyone.  Brenna and I have been invited and I want to attend, but I am not sure I can do it.  I am going to try, but just not sure.

Sometimes, reality just stinks.

Are you all living out Jamey's challenge?  Who have you told you love them today?

Look to the Lord and his strength; seek his face always.  Psalm 105:4

Father's Day

I'm not going to lie, today was tough. I have been dreading it for weeks. Being a dad was Jamey's pride and joy. He loved Brenna with every ounce of his being. He would move heaven and earth for that child. She had him wrapped around her little pinky and he loved every minute of it. Every. Single. Minute.

I have been trying for the past few weeks to think of something special to do to honor him. In my family, we have always attended the Glover family reunion on Father's Day. It's a big deal and has been going on for over 65 years. So, that is what we did.  It was a good day with lots of family, tears, and good food. Jamey loved attending over the past few years. He fit right in and everyone loved him. 

This was us last Father's Day...

Oh he loved this little girl...

I tried for the past few days to ask Brenna how she would like to honor her daddy on Father's Day. Every time I would try to ask her, I would get a ginormous lump in my throat and start crying. I just couldn't get it out. I tried and tried, but just couldn't ask her. It hit me this morning that we honor him every day and not just on this one day of the year. We talk about him, share memories, cry, and laugh about things he would have done. In my opinion, that is the way it should be. Honor him every day. So, once God put that on my heart, I released the need to come up with something specific and just honor him like we do every day. A huge weight was lifted off my shoulders in that moment. 

We spent the day with family. This is mostly what she did all day....

Oh this girl loves her Pappy!!!!  She was stuck to him like glue and he loved every minute of it. 

After the reunion and after everyone left, I did want to do something we would do as a family pretty often, go to TCBY for dessert. We both got our favorite flavor and saluted one amazing man...

She told me exactly what flavor her daddy would have chosen and we did a little toast to him!  

It was a tough but good day!

I cannot end this without saying Happy Father's Day to my awesome daddy. He (and mom) made me the person I am today and I love him so much.  Thank you, Daddy, for everything you do for us. 

Bye Bye Destin

We are home from a great week at the beach. I will share more about our trip once I rest up, unpack, do some laundry, and make it through Father's Day.

With four kids, relaxing is near impossible.  But, we had a great time and so so grateful to have been invited to join the Ray's on this trip. It was good for my soul.

Above all, this is what I needed to see more than anything in the world....

That smile....

It's good for the soul.

The Beach

We decided at the last minute to take advantage of an invitation to go to the beach with special friends.  I'm a planner, so I don't do last minute very well, but this trip will be good for my (our) soul.

We are with the Ray's. There are 3 adults  and 4 kids staying in this amazing beach house. It's loud, crazy, and always eventful, but it fills my heart with smiles and maybe a headache or two!  One of the 5 year old twins came into my room this morning and said it was going to be an amazing day!  It sure is, sweet boy!

We've just arrived, spent a little time on the beach before the storm came rolling in. I can't wait to get back out there. 

These kids make me smile. 

We are off to shop and give these kids something to do while the rain comes down.

I'll Praise You in the Storm fills my head. 

Real Talk

This is a place where I can be real, honest, and tell it like it is.  I write to express my feelings and to have a place where Brenna can come at a future time to reflect on what we have been through and see memories of her daddy.

So today, I am just keeping it real and writing from my heart.

This morning I walked upstairs to make sure Brenna was in the shower.  I got half way up and heard her sweet voice.  She was in the shower singing 10,000 Reasons by Matt Redman.  It stopped me in my tracks. I heard her sing the chorus:

Bless the Lord, O my soul

O my soul

Worship His holy name

Sing like never before

O my soul

I'll worship Your holy name

Praise Jesus for being in her heart.  I sat down on the stairs, listened, and cried. I thanked God for this sweet child.  I thanked Him for being who she is turning to.  I thanked Him for putting this song in her heart and not some hoochie momma song (keeping it real, friends, keeping it real).  It blessed me in so many ways.

Brenna and I are both in grief counseling.  Brenna will be attending a grief camp for kids at the end of July.  It has come highly recommended by many people over the past month.  We had a meeting last night to meet the counselors and Brenna could meet some of the kids she will be going to camp with.  This is an amazing organization that I am blessed we have available to us.  She was excited to hear about all of the fun things they have planned as well as meet the kids who have experienced loss as well.  She immediately found two kids her age and in the same grade.  What a blessing.  He always shows up, doesn't He?!?  As I walked inside where the parents were to go, Jesus lead me to sit beside two new friends who have experienced loss over the past year.  These ladies touched me immediately and I hope to be able to get to know them more.  

This is Jesus, friends.  He never leaves our side.  He puts us right where we belong.

When I walked out to get Brenna, I ran into two more friends.  One I knew from my childhood and one I know through a mutual friend.  Both are counselors at the camp where she will be attending.  I could not believe it when I saw them.  Sweet, sweet friends.

Again, Jesus always shows up.

We left the meeting to go to a friend's 40th birthday dinner.  Many of my friends turn 40 this year or next.  Over the past few months, we have all been talking about how we are going to celebrate this big milestone birthday.  We've talked parties, trips, etc.  Last night as we sang Happy Birthday to this sweet friend, tears were rolling down my eyes remembering Jamey will not be here with me to celebrate my 40th birthday (or his).  It stung as reality came crashing down.  

Have you taken Jamey's challenge?  Who have you told today that you love them?  What compliments have you given?  

Happy Friday, friends.

One Month Ago

It has been one month.

I still cannot believe it.  It does not seem real.  One month since I said I love you, one month since I kissed you, one month since you smiled at me.  It seems like yesterday.  Yet, it seems like forever.

My heart has a huge hole wishing so badly I had one more day with you.  My Jesus is filling my hole.  I feel it.  I need it.

We celebrated our one year anniversary just two short weeks before Jesus took Jamey home.  It was a perfect day.  I will share more about it when I can.

A friend contacted me last week and wanted to share a conversation she had with Jamey two weeks before his passing.  This sweet friend was the baker of our wedding cake.  On our wedding day, we chose to go ahead and eat the top of the cake instead of freezing it.  We would rather have a fresh one on our anniversary than one that would have been freezer burned!!

Jamey met her the day before our anniversary to pick up our cake.  She shared this with me:

When Jamey and I met, he asked how I was doing.  I told him about the issue I was having with my health.  He gave me a compliment, as usual.  We talked about how he was so excited about your trip for your anniversary and how nice he knew it was going to be. Jamey told me that none of us was guaranteed to be here tomorrow, that he could be here a couple of weeks or months, that we just don't know.  But he makes sure every day to tell you and Brenna that he loves you and those around him something positive.  So, if in the event that he was not walking on this earth that you knew how much he loved you and your heart will be full, even in his absence.  He told me that because of my situation and the health issues I was having, he made a suggestion.  He suggested that I make sure to tell someone I love them every day and to share a compliment or good thought because if I continued that and was no longer here, my memory would live long past my presence and love would always be felt in those around me.  I told him that I agreed that we were not guaranteed how long we would be here, but I was sure that he would be here a long time and he said, I sure hope so!  I love the path that I am on with Tippa and she makes my life full and complete. I hugged his neck and told him to have a great weekend and he was lucky to have you in his life.  He grinned and giggled.

What a great legacy, Jamey Feltman!!!!

My heart was so touched by this story.  I know it is one of many stories many friends could tell, because that was the man he was.

I challenge each of you reading this today------tell someone that you love them and share a compliment or good thought.  Do this in Jamey's memory.  Was an incredible impact that will make on someone in your life.  Jamey was so right.....his memory will live long past his presence and his love will always be felt in those around him.

Do it.  Do it for him.  Do it for you.  Do it for those around you.

"Well done, good and faithful servant."  Matthew 25:21

Either God sent it or He allowed it

A dear friend sent this devotion to me last week.  I cannot in any way take credit for the words written here, but I will say that this is spot on with how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and how My Jesus is using me.

I kept saying "Amen" after every sentence she wrote!

I could not have said it any better so I am not going to even try.  He has a purpose in my life and for my life.  If God plans my circumstances then I have to trust He has a purpose.

Here is what was given to me.

************************
"He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross...refining them like gold and silver..."  Malachi 3:3 (NLT)

I wasn't happy with the turn of events in my life.  In fact, "not happy" didn't even begin to describe my emotional free fall.

Devastated.  Petrified.  Paralyzed.  Lost.  Angry.  Disbelief.  Even somewhat crazed.  Now those adjectives described me.

"Not me!"  I continually repeated.  Never in my wildest imagination would I have dreamed that my life could end up here.

During this time of near inconsolable anguish, my cousin sent wise and comforting words:  "Remember, either God sent it or He has allowed it."

Her words helped me understand God was in control and there had to be a reason behind this circumstance.                            

Either God sent it or He allowed it.

I found myself contemplating this phrase.  It made total sense.  Slowly, peace replaced anguish.  Acceptance replaced anger.  Submission replaced unbelief.  Could God be allowing these circumstances to change something in me?  Was God granting permission for me to go through this fire for a specific reason?

Malachi 3:3 is a picture of a silversmith purifying the precious metal.  God shared this word picture to let us know that He is the silversmith refining us; He's who burns away the dross, which is something that is base, trivial, or inferior.  In other words, not necessary or helpful.

Most of us would agree that life's trials can feel like a punishment.  Major disruptions seem like they're meant to make us miserable.  The truth is, God transforms us with each trial we experience.  He is removing the "dross" or imperfections from us.  Each time we survive a major ordeal we grow stronger, wiser, more prepared for the next challenge.  We are conquerors and overcomers with God's help.

Ordeals, hardships, distresses are permitted by God for our perfection.  Either He permits them or He plans them.  If God has intentionally laid out a troublesome path for us, He has a purpose.

But it's not always about us.  God might place pain, suffering or distraction on our path to teach others about His love, steadfastness, and mercies.  The way we react to stress reflects what we believe about God, and allows others to see His faithfulness.

Few of us are immune to desperate circumstances.  But sometimes they are the best way for God to perfect us.  He wants to display us as His showpiece to give the world hope.  We don't always feel good about God's higher ways.  They hurt.  They stretch.  I know.  I have felt the pain, the pull, the piercing agony.

However, if God plans my circumstances, then I have to trust He has a purpose.  I believe He sends "assignments" so we can show the world that He is worthy to trust and has good plans.  If I model confidence in Him, I'm announcing to the world, with my actions and attitude, our Great God knows exactly what He is doing with my life.

Nothing compares to knowing and trusting the Lord is in control...especially when everything around me feels unstable.  He won't permit or plan something difficult for us to walk through without having a greater purpose behind it.  One that will make us holier, more like Him, and shine His glory.  Our experience is not in vain!

"Holy Father, the anguish I feel when life slams me seems to be more that I can handle.  Give me strength to push on.  Remind me of Your peace and keep me focused on the truth that You have a greater plan and purpose.  In Jesus' Name, Amen."

**************************************

I keep repeating that this experience I am going through is NOT in vain.  It cannot be.  Jamey had purpose in his short 38 years, our relationship had purpose, our 379 days we spent as a married couple had purpose.  When speaking about this with my counselor, I told her I wish I could jump ahead about 6-8 months just so I would not have to go through this agony.  She reminded me that I needed to feel this, I would miss out on something big if I just jumped ahead 6-8 months. Although it is hard, she is right.  God is using me, using this experience, for His purpose.  Deep down, I know that.  But when the hurt is so bad, I have to remind myself of that daily, sometimes hourly, to make it through the day.

Credit for this devotional and others can be found by clicking here.

A Few Things

I don't have much for you today, friends. I've had to handle the business side of grief. It makes it so real, so final. I can't say it was easy. It was far, far from it. 

I'm going to try to go back to work tomorrow. I will need some special prayers as I make that drive and sit in that chair for the first time since his passing. Jamey and I worked about a mile from each other. We would ride together some days and go to lunch many times a week. This is going to be hard but I'm going to give it a shot. If you feel led, would you say a prayer for me?

Also today is my mom's birthday!!  She has not left my side since May 5th and we are so blessed to have her here!  Happy Birthday, mom!  We love you!!!

I'll leave you all with this verse I ran across today:

For I am The Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you. 

Isaiah 41:13

Sundays

I love church.  I always have.  Now, I admit, I have not always gone to church every time the doors were open.  There was a period of time where I did not go often, but I always had Jesus in my heart.

Always.

That was never a question.  He was always there.  We chatted daily.  I prayed daily.  I knew He was there.

After I met Jamey, I started going more often.  We were there almost every Sunday.  Jamey and Brenna would come pick me up before we were married.  They would drive 30 minutes out of their way to come get me.  He wanted to go together.  And, so did I.

We sat on the same side of the church every Sunday.  He always had his arms around me, on my leg, or holding my hand.  Always touching me in some way.  I always felt his love.

It was in church one Sunday morning that I knew I was going to marry this man.  God spoke to me and I felt it.  I heard it loud and clear.  This was love.  Make no mistake about it, this was the real deal.

Every single Sunday since then, I would think about the moment when God gave me the comfort I needed to take off my running shoes and let this amazing man take care of me.  Every day and every Sunday, I thanked God for bringing this man into my life.  Every. Single. Day.

Jamey went to be with Jesus on a Sunday.  I find that simply fitting.  He took him right when we would have been going to church.  He took him Home.

Every Sunday since Jamey passed, I have made myself go to the House of the Lord.  I make myself go to church even when I just want to curl back under the covers and go back to sleep, not have to face another day without him.  I make myself go.

Why?  Because He is where I find my comfort when nothing else comforts me.

Jamey's favorite part of church was the worship music.  Oh how he loved the music.  Jamey never wanted to be late for church.  He wanted to be right on time not to miss a note.  Right now during the worship music, I about lose it.  You know, the hyperventilating kind of cry where you think you may pass out?  That is me during this praise time.  Most Sundays I can hold it somewhat together, but not this morning.  Thank the Lord my sweet friend was there to hold me up.

The words are so real.

The song that got me this morning was "Where I Belong".

The lyrics:

Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find

All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong

So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

When the earth shakes I wanna be found in You

When the lights fade I wanna be found in You

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

All I know is I'm not home yet

This is not where I belong

Take this world and give me Jesus

This is not where I belong

Where I belong, where I belong
Where I belong, where I belong

Whew.  It gets me every time.  Jamey is Home.  He is with Jesus.

Sundays are hard for me right now.  It has been 4 weeks today.  I wake up thinking about that morning and reliving it over and over in my mind.  I think about it daily, but Sundays are the hardest.

I will continue to go to church, even when I don't want to.  It is what I need now more than ever.  He is what I need now more than ever.

I miss you, babe.  I miss you so much.