We are home from a great week at the beach. I will share more about our trip once I rest up, unpack, do some laundry, and make it through Father's Day.
We decided at the last minute to take advantage of an invitation to go to the beach with special friends. I'm a planner, so I don't do last minute very well, but this trip will be good for my (our) soul.
This is a place where I can be real, honest, and tell it like it is. I write to express my feelings and to have a place where Brenna can come at a future time to reflect on what we have been through and see memories of her daddy.
It has been one month.
I still cannot believe it. It does not seem real. One month since I said I love you, one month since I kissed you, one month since you smiled at me. It seems like yesterday. Yet, it seems like forever.
My heart has a huge hole wishing so badly I had one more day with you. My Jesus is filling my hole. I feel it. I need it.
We celebrated our one year anniversary just two short weeks before Jesus took Jamey home. It was a perfect day. I will share more about it when I can.
A friend contacted me last week and wanted to share a conversation she had with Jamey two weeks before his passing. This sweet friend was the baker of our wedding cake. On our wedding day, we chose to go ahead and eat the top of the cake instead of freezing it. We would rather have a fresh one on our anniversary than one that would have been freezer burned!!
Jamey met her the day before our anniversary to pick up our cake. She shared this with me:
When Jamey and I met, he asked how I was doing. I told him about the issue I was having with my health. He gave me a compliment, as usual. We talked about how he was so excited about your trip for your anniversary and how nice he knew it was going to be. Jamey told me that none of us was guaranteed to be here tomorrow, that he could be here a couple of weeks or months, that we just don't know. But he makes sure every day to tell you and Brenna that he loves you and those around him something positive. So, if in the event that he was not walking on this earth that you knew how much he loved you and your heart will be full, even in his absence. He told me that because of my situation and the health issues I was having, he made a suggestion. He suggested that I make sure to tell someone I love them every day and to share a compliment or good thought because if I continued that and was no longer here, my memory would live long past my presence and love would always be felt in those around me. I told him that I agreed that we were not guaranteed how long we would be here, but I was sure that he would be here a long time and he said, I sure hope so! I love the path that I am on with Tippa and she makes my life full and complete. I hugged his neck and told him to have a great weekend and he was lucky to have you in his life. He grinned and giggled.
What a great legacy, Jamey Feltman!!!!
My heart was so touched by this story. I know it is one of many stories many friends could tell, because that was the man he was.
I challenge each of you reading this today------tell someone that you love them and share a compliment or good thought. Do this in Jamey's memory. Was an incredible impact that will make on someone in your life. Jamey was so right.....his memory will live long past his presence and his love will always be felt in those around him.
Do it. Do it for him. Do it for you. Do it for those around you.
"Well done, good and faithful servant." Matthew 25:21
A dear friend sent this devotion to me last week. I cannot in any way take credit for the words written here, but I will say that this is spot on with how I am feeling, what I am thinking, and how My Jesus is using me.
I kept saying "Amen" after every sentence she wrote!
I could not have said it any better so I am not going to even try. He has a purpose in my life and for my life. If God plans my circumstances then I have to trust He has a purpose.
Here is what was given to me.
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"He will sit like a refiner of silver, burning away the dross...refining them like gold and silver..." Malachi 3:3 (NLT)
I wasn't happy with the turn of events in my life. In fact, "not happy" didn't even begin to describe my emotional free fall.
Devastated. Petrified. Paralyzed. Lost. Angry. Disbelief. Even somewhat crazed. Now those adjectives described me.
"Not me!" I continually repeated. Never in my wildest imagination would I have dreamed that my life could end up here.
During this time of near inconsolable anguish, my cousin sent wise and comforting words: "Remember, either God sent it or He has allowed it."
Her words helped me understand God was in control and there had to be a reason behind this circumstance.
Either God sent it or He allowed it.
I found myself contemplating this phrase. It made total sense. Slowly, peace replaced anguish. Acceptance replaced anger. Submission replaced unbelief. Could God be allowing these circumstances to change something in me? Was God granting permission for me to go through this fire for a specific reason?
Malachi 3:3 is a picture of a silversmith purifying the precious metal. God shared this word picture to let us know that He is the silversmith refining us; He's who burns away the dross, which is something that is base, trivial, or inferior. In other words, not necessary or helpful.
Most of us would agree that life's trials can feel like a punishment. Major disruptions seem like they're meant to make us miserable. The truth is, God transforms us with each trial we experience. He is removing the "dross" or imperfections from us. Each time we survive a major ordeal we grow stronger, wiser, more prepared for the next challenge. We are conquerors and overcomers with God's help.
Ordeals, hardships, distresses are permitted by God for our perfection. Either He permits them or He plans them. If God has intentionally laid out a troublesome path for us, He has a purpose.
But it's not always about us. God might place pain, suffering or distraction on our path to teach others about His love, steadfastness, and mercies. The way we react to stress reflects what we believe about God, and allows others to see His faithfulness.
Few of us are immune to desperate circumstances. But sometimes they are the best way for God to perfect us. He wants to display us as His showpiece to give the world hope. We don't always feel good about God's higher ways. They hurt. They stretch. I know. I have felt the pain, the pull, the piercing agony.
However, if God plans my circumstances, then I have to trust He has a purpose. I believe He sends "assignments" so we can show the world that He is worthy to trust and has good plans. If I model confidence in Him, I'm announcing to the world, with my actions and attitude, our Great God knows exactly what He is doing with my life.
Nothing compares to knowing and trusting the Lord is in control...especially when everything around me feels unstable. He won't permit or plan something difficult for us to walk through without having a greater purpose behind it. One that will make us holier, more like Him, and shine His glory. Our experience is not in vain!
"Holy Father, the anguish I feel when life slams me seems to be more that I can handle. Give me strength to push on. Remind me of Your peace and keep me focused on the truth that You have a greater plan and purpose. In Jesus' Name, Amen."
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I keep repeating that this experience I am going through is NOT in vain. It cannot be. Jamey had purpose in his short 38 years, our relationship had purpose, our 379 days we spent as a married couple had purpose. When speaking about this with my counselor, I told her I wish I could jump ahead about 6-8 months just so I would not have to go through this agony. She reminded me that I needed to feel this, I would miss out on something big if I just jumped ahead 6-8 months. Although it is hard, she is right. God is using me, using this experience, for His purpose. Deep down, I know that. But when the hurt is so bad, I have to remind myself of that daily, sometimes hourly, to make it through the day.
Credit for this devotional and others can be found by clicking here.
I don't have much for you today, friends. I've had to handle the business side of grief. It makes it so real, so final. I can't say it was easy. It was far, far from it.
I love church. I always have. Now, I admit, I have not always gone to church every time the doors were open. There was a period of time where I did not go often, but I always had Jesus in my heart.
Always.
That was never a question. He was always there. We chatted daily. I prayed daily. I knew He was there.
After I met Jamey, I started going more often. We were there almost every Sunday. Jamey and Brenna would come pick me up before we were married. They would drive 30 minutes out of their way to come get me. He wanted to go together. And, so did I.
We sat on the same side of the church every Sunday. He always had his arms around me, on my leg, or holding my hand. Always touching me in some way. I always felt his love.
It was in church one Sunday morning that I knew I was going to marry this man. God spoke to me and I felt it. I heard it loud and clear. This was love. Make no mistake about it, this was the real deal.
Every single Sunday since then, I would think about the moment when God gave me the comfort I needed to take off my running shoes and let this amazing man take care of me. Every day and every Sunday, I thanked God for bringing this man into my life. Every. Single. Day.
Jamey went to be with Jesus on a Sunday. I find that simply fitting. He took him right when we would have been going to church. He took him Home.
Every Sunday since Jamey passed, I have made myself go to the House of the Lord. I make myself go to church even when I just want to curl back under the covers and go back to sleep, not have to face another day without him. I make myself go.
Why? Because He is where I find my comfort when nothing else comforts me.
Jamey's favorite part of church was the worship music. Oh how he loved the music. Jamey never wanted to be late for church. He wanted to be right on time not to miss a note. Right now during the worship music, I about lose it. You know, the hyperventilating kind of cry where you think you may pass out? That is me during this praise time. Most Sundays I can hold it somewhat together, but not this morning. Thank the Lord my sweet friend was there to hold me up.
The words are so real.
The song that got me this morning was "Where I Belong".
The lyrics:
Sometimes it feels like I'm watching from the outside
Sometimes it feels like I'm breathing but am I alive
I won't keep searching for answers that aren't here to find
All I know is I'm not home yet
This is not where I belong
Take this world and give me Jesus
This is not where I belong
So when the walls come falling down on me
And when I'm lost in the current of a raging sea
I have this blessed assurance holding me
