A Year of "Firsts"

Life has been a bit crazy over the past few weeks so forgive me for neglecting the blog!!!  Thanks for continuing to love on us so much!

A whole year....365 days of 'firsts' without him.

How did that happen?  Where did time go?

But, I can truly say that we survived.  We did it!!!  We made it through days when I was not sure I could make it through.

Father's Day
Visits to Alabama
Brenna's Birthday
First Day of School
My Birthday
The Holidays
Valentine's Day
His Birthday
Our Anniversary
May 5th

These are just a few of the days I remember being the toughest.  Then there are just the ordinary days of nothing going on when I missed him the most.  Days that we would have hung out at home, made dinner together, folded laundry, I would watch him iron (because he did all the ironing!!!), played outside, and watched a move with Brenna.

I found myself dreading the holidays so much.  I stressed out about how to handle them and what we should plan to do.  Then, I kept reminding myself that we just have to get through it and live life.  Live the life Jamey would want us to live.  Not to dwell on the past but know that Jamey is sitting with Jesus and watching over us.  That does not mean at all that we do not miss him so so much every single day.  Not at all.  I never understood the meaning of the word "miss" until Jamey went to be with Jesus.  I never understood how much you could miss someone.  How much you would give to hear his voice again, feel his touch, hear his laugh.  I get it now.  Boy, do I get it.  But, I do have an overwhelming feeling and comfort knowing that Jamey would want us to continue to live the life God has planned for us.  He will always ALWAYS be in our hearts.

"For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the Lord, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future."  (Jeremiah 29:11)

I remember so many people said to me, "Get through the firsts, those will be the hardest."  "Don't make any big decisions the first year".  I kept thinking all year, just get through it, just get through the first year.  I almost had myself thinking that when I wake up on May 6, 2014 and all would be well and I would be over it.  HA!  Not so much.  Who was I kidding.

I read this recently....Grief does not have a time limit.  The only certainty is that it will take longer than you want it to.

Yep.

I cannot help but stop to reflect on how we survived our first year without Jamey.  First, my Jesus continues to carry us every single day. There was a conscience choice I made the day Jamey passed.  I chose to praise Him in this storm daily.  I could have chosen to blame God for taking him so soon, for leaving me after only 379 days of marriage, and leaving Brenna without a daddy at the age of 11.  I did not.  I chose to praise Him and thank Him for the time we had with Jamey, for the love that Jamey showed us, and thank Him for the blessings He continues to bestow on us.

God is our refuge and strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.  (Psalms 46:1)

There are far too many friends and family to list, but we certainly could not have made it this far on this grief journey without the love and compassion that we have seen over the past year.  "Thank you" is so inadequate to express our gratitude.  We have seen God in so many of you and I am forever thankful you have all listened to Him and came in our time of need.  I am so very thankful for the stronger relationships I have made with so many mommas and daddys out there that I may not have if this did not happen.  I see God's hands at work in all of this.  Blessings come through raindrops.  It makes me think of a song that I adore.

'Cause what if your blessings come through rain drops
What is your healing comes through tears
What is a thousand sleepless night are what it takes to know You're near
-Laura Story, "Blessings"

So, here we are.  We are embarking on our year of 'seconds'.  I bet they are not as hard as the 'firsts', but hard nonetheless.  Life is certainly not the same but we are making it in our new normal.  I pray that you all continue to stand by us as we walk this journey and continue to live the life God has planned for us.

One Year Ago....

I tried so many times today to write. The words just didn't come. I would try again, and nothing. 

Blank. 

I've heard this song so many times over the past 12 months and it's seems so appropriate today. The Lord even put it on my heart as soon as my eyes opened this morning. 

"When you don't know what to say, just say Jesus.  There is power in the name. The name of Jesus."

So friends, I don't know what to say, so I'm just saying this....Jesus!  

Just Say Jesus

Life gets tough and times get hard
And it’s hard to find the truth in all the lies
If you’re tired of wondering why
Your heart isn’t healing
And nothing feels like home
Cause you’re lost and alone
Just screaming at the sky

When you don’t know what to say
Just say Jesus
The name of Jesus
If the words won’t come
Cause you’re afraid to pray
Just say Jesus
Whisper it now or shout it out
However it comes out
He hears your cry
Out of nowhere he will come
You got to believe in it
He will rescue you
Just call out to the way
The truth, the life

When you don’t know what to say
Just say Jesus
There is power in the name
The name of Jesus
If the words won’t come
Cause you’re afraid to pray
Just say Jesus
There is just one name
Strong enough to save
There is just one name
There is just one name
Jesus

When you don’t know what to say
Just say Jesus
There’s still power in the name
The name of Jesus
If the words won’t come
And you don’t know what to say
Just say Jesus

Our Wedding Day

There is nothing that I would have changed about this day.  It was so perfect in every single way.

These are just a few of my favorite images.....precious memories!

Happy Anniversary, babe!  I love you!

Our 1st (and only) Anniversary

Jamey and I would have been married two years today.

2 years......

Saying that feels like a knife was driven straight through my heart.

But, Jesus had other plans. 

I remember our anniversary last year so vividly. Every single detail.  We were so excited to celebrate 'us' and the blissful year we had. It was perfect and magical.

Jamey surprised me with a weekend getaway.  He sent flowers (the same ones in my bridemaid's bouquet) to me at work saying "pack a bag, let's get away to celebrate our big day".  He was so thoughtful and knew I loved surprises!  We spent the weekend at the Alluvian Hotel.  We had couple's massages, fantastic dinner, and a sweet time together.  Such a memory.  We even had the baker of our wedding cake make us another so we could have it on our day.

Jamey always made every day special.  I cannot believe that I am here without him on this day.

How can it be?

I do not have any more words than this right now.

But, for now, please keep me in your prayers.  Prayers have kept me moving and living the life Jamey would want me to live.

Jeremiah 29:11
For I know the plans I have for you," declared the Lord, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.

I will continue to praise You in this storm, Lord.  

Happy 39th Birthday!!!

March 29, 2014

Jamey's 39th birthday.

Another tough first.

I know there was a grand party going on in Heaven!  I just know it.  Jamey knew how to do it right, and this would not be any exception.  He would be celebrating with his daddy and Michelle, his cousin Jackie, and many others that he held close who had gone before him.  I bet there was plenty carrot cake to go around!

As with all of the 'firsts' that we have experienced this year, this was one that I had on my mind for a while. What would we do?  How would we celebrate him?  How will be make it through?

As the date was approaching, my calendar started filling up.  Brenna's school was holding a 5K Color Run that morning and Brenna had a spring league basketball game that afternoon.  I think that God knew I needed many distractions to get through the day.  Of course, He did.  As the weekend approached, I tried to figure out how we would fit in the things I specifically wanted to do for his birthday.  I knew there would not be a lot of time, but I told myself I would go with the flow and do what we could do.  Jamey would want us to continue living our lives and not miss out on anything.

So, that is exactly what we did.  We lived!

We started off at 7:30am at the NCS Color Splash 5K!

My face, my hair.  It was worth it!!!

If you have never done a color run (this was my first), this is one that you should consider doing! Although it was FREEZING, we had such a great time!  You are 'splashed' with color as you run/walk the course. Then, at the end, everyone gets a packet of color and throws it up!  I had color in places color did not belong, but it was so much fun.  A friend said it was the best school fundraiser ever!!  I totally agree!!!

So fun!

It was a fun activity that distracted me from reality and where I received a lot of love and hugs from my sweet NCS family!!!  Love you, ladies!!

Then, after loooong warm showers, we were off to Brenna's basketball game.  (Sorry about the fuzzy pics! She runs too fast!!)

I wish that I had the energy this child has.  This day was on her mind and I could see it all over on her face.

It was a day that we just needed to pray our way through and do the best we can.

We ended the day having dinner at Jamey's favorite restaurant, J. Alexander's.  It was delicious, but certainly not the same.  This was my first time there since his passing, so it was a bit surreal.  He always got the Hyde Park chicken sandwich with Monetary Jack and a side of mayo.  Always.  He never deviated!!!  I always get the Steak Maui.

After dinner, we came home and called it a day.  It was an exhausting day.  I was in my bed by 8pm and that was just fine with me.

I was not able to do some of the things that I had planned or thought we would do, but I told myself that was ok.  I am doing best I can on days like this.

He is always in my heart and on my mind, no matter the day.  We celebrate him every single day.

Matthew 25:21 says, "Well done, good and faithful servant!  You have been faithful with a few things; I will put you in charge if many things.  Come and share your master's happiness."

Well done, my love, well done!  And, Happy 39th Birthday!!!!